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blueWillow6417
179 M Embraced 1
PathStep 11 Compassion hearts12 Forum posts2 Forum upvotes2 Current upvotes2 Age GroupAdult Last activeFebruary, 2024 Member sinceDecember 23, 2023
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Taking Stock Of Some Stuff
Depression Support / by blueWillow6417
Last post
 February 27th, 2024
...See more Not expecting replies, just really need to write some thoughts out into the ether. Lots of negativity on my mind, maybe seeing it written out will help in some way, maybe to provide clarity. I miss my friend. We reconnected about 3 years ago after a 12+ year absence and then we suddenly stopped talking again after about 6 months. Feels like that's just the end of it. Bye my brother, I genuinely love you and I hope you're doing well. I quit my job before the end of the year and I'm still unemployed. I've been vacillating wildly moment to moment between crisis-level depression and the other side where I try to devote my time to learning a skill that I can get a decent job with (might be turning out to be a fool's errand). Occasionally I feel "centered" and acknowledge my bad situation without breaking down over it. How do you earn respect from a boss if putting your nose to the grindstone for years can't get you past entry-level? Those 2 issues are the heaviest things on my mind. I don't know why but I'm also going to mention this other thing and it's embarrassing I always wanted a family of my own. Never even got close. My relationships felt like I was either being a huge inconvenience and wasting somebody's time or that I was being set up for a CARRIE-esque prank. I never feel relaxed or loved, I feel like the world wants me dead. Just being honest. That's how I feel on the topic of love haha. Even the skin on my hands changed to "old guy hands" and I still have nothing to my name. I've disappointed everyone including myself. Lots of bad luck, lots of mistakes but there are positives. I may have quit drinking finally and I am keeping myself from spending what little money I have needlessly (although I could use more control at the grocery store). The days pass too fast so my daily goals are just trying to balance being productive, being kind to myself and of course trying to find some damn work.
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