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brightPlum5412
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PathStep 1 Compassion hearts7 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes2 Current upvotes2 Age GroupAdult Last activeJune, 2026 Member sinceJune 3, 2026
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New and struggling especially today
Depression Support / by brightPlum5412
Last post
 June 4th
...See more Hi. 41F here. Had my last baby 4 years ago and I have been in *** since. Been on a pretty solid med routine for about a year. I've never had much luck but this combo was better than most. But the last few weeks, have been hard. I find myself thinking awful thoughts almost against my control. I dont even recall letting the thoughts in; it's like I realize halfway through this inner monologue that hey, this is actually pretty *** up what you're thinking what are you doing? I have never felt so alone yet so surrounded by people who love me. I have struggled with depression since middle school and had gotten a hold of it. But having my second *** me up completely and I am beginning to feel helpless and resentful that Im in no better place than I was 30 years ago. I don't have a plan but I do find myself thinking how I could maybe do "it" and cause the least amount of trauma to my family. I'd ideally like to do it somewhere where, if they're like to find my body or I do something with it they can find it, but if they'd rather not see or deal with everything like that, they could just send police to where l am. These are crazy thoughts I know. I dont know who I am anymore. I'n frustrated and I have never felt more alone. Waiting for a callback from my psych, but I am also behind on my payments a bit as finances are tight for everyone right now, and I'm worried she won't see me until the balance is paid. So I think I just needed to tell someone all of this and as pathetic as this is I have no one else to tell.
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