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brokenbird321
362 M Embraced 3
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts52 Forum posts3 Forum upvotes5 Current upvotes5 Age GroupAdult Last activeMarch, 2024 Member sinceMarch 16, 2024
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Together 10 years - I'm Emotionally Tired
Relationship Stress / by brokenbird321
Last post
 March 17th, 2024
...See more First post here and it's going to be long, I apologize in advance.  I'm 26 years old and I've been with my husband for 10 years. He was my first boyfriend at 16 (high school sweethearts) and just didn't really know what I wanted in life. We both came from rough backgrounds and were rushing to move out by the time we were 18. He came from a household of neglect, substance abuse, and physical fights. Me from an overbearing and overprotective widowed mother (SA Survivor & hoarder) who was always clashing with me due to our differences. Basically we both had our own issues.  I hated physical contact at the beginning. I was awkward and dare I say unloving which I was honest with him multiple times. He was very understanding and has always been incredibly sweet. Our love languages ended up being opposites. His biggest love language was physical touch and mines was acts of service. We made a decision that we would work our best to improve in those aspects for one another and not for ourselves. So I improved drastically at giving him that physical attention to the point that it is now natural and very loving from my part. I crave the physical contact we have because I find it beautiful and heart warming. Especially since I had that cut off when I was young.  However, he's always had anger problems since we moved in together at 18... I tried to look past it because he's the most faithful and loving person I had ever met, but it quickly became our biggest downfall. He can never keep a job. He's worked more than 8 jobs in one year and also has been unemployed for around 6 months. We have a daughter that is 5 and I always feel like we're living paycheck to paycheck due to the fact I have to pull twice the weight when he's trying to look around. I offered him to be a stay at home dad and take care of taking care of the house and our daughter before she started school. I was tired of constantly having to tell him to clean up and his response was always the same, "we don't live in a pigsty." I've never been the cleanest person, nor have I expected him to be the cleanest. But if there is noticeable literal mold growing on our kitchen counters I expected him to clean it up. I expected him to clean after himself and cook for my daughter at a minimum. I would come home some days and they had just lounged around all day, him playing video games. Again, he has anger issues and although he never hit me physically, he would punch the wall or grab my belongings and throw them, or he would try to forcefully hold me in his arms when I wanted to walk away and when I would walk away he'd shove me around to the point he ripped one of my favorite shirts. I always thought to myself, maybe I crossed the line. Maybe I said something to upset him to that extent. Maybe I am the problem. Any time I got upset I would get the following: "You're so dramatic." "If you don't like it, then just leave." "You always have a problem with everything." "My best is never good enough" He stopped when I had a child not because we had a child, but because I threatened to leave him if I didn't see him improve. He improves for a bit and then like once a year he does it again behind closed doors so my daughter doesn't see us arguing. He tends to say things like, "we wouldn't have this apartment if it wasn't for me." We've been evicted twice due to not having enough funds. I was in a car accident when pregnant because our break pads were bad and he didn't get them fixed when I gave him the money while I was at work. I'm hurt, I feel like no matter what I do my husband doesn't want to change because he's gotten comfortable with me being the breadwinner and the fact that I didn't leave him when he was definitely being the worst. I don't see myself as a high maintenance wife. I don't wear make-up, I don't get my nails done, I don't wear designer or wear perfumes, or even get haircuts. I don't ask him for money, but I pay the rent, car note, and all major expenses by myself. I want him to have enough motivation in life to not want to take his anger out on me and especially want to better himself for our child.   I honestly feel like he's hurt me so much that I have no hope for this relationship. He keeps asking me to forgive him and that he's going to do better for us. I just end up feeling defeated and like an idiot for forgiving him so many times. I work so hard and even my work has been so draining for me, coming home has been so draining, doing anything at home has been so overwhelming. I went from being someone with more than 5 hobbies to someone who can't even pick up a pencil and sits there doom scrolling on my phone. Feel like I've picked up a phone addiction and see myself reaching for my phone anytime I'm sitting down. I have to physically keep myself busy for me to ignore it all day. Also seem to get distracted so easily lately and my memory is definitely lacking. I don't know what to do.  I bring myself to tears every time I think of how much I love him and somehow feel like I'm doing the wrong thing staying. I don't know how to get rid of this feeling and don't know what's the best thing to do. Also, I'd like to mention that everyone loves him. The people he meets, my family, my friends, and even my coworkers. He's an extrovert that seems to connect with everyone while I don't. My family is the only one that is starting to notice all the little tendencies and excuses he always seems to make.  They just ask me to be patient with him. That he loves me very much and just needs to mature. I've never told them about the anger issues I've had with him due to my grandmother being a domestic abuse survivor and they always seem to blame her for staying instead of the abuser. Anyways thank you for listening. If you'd like me to give more details feel free to ask.
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