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Oh man when do I know

Relationship Stress / by callmepien

May 31st, 2023

...See more (I didn't know where to post, sorry if you've seen this tw My bf and I have been together for a few years and decided we wanted to buy a house together in the near future. As in, within the next 2 years. We both have a stable job, but aren't super comfortable financially. Now I've been having doubts in our relationship every now and then, mostly because of these 2 reasons; 1. I'm quite young and never really had my 'messing around' phase. A boyfriend or 2, but no hook ups, no games while going out, etc. Most importantly, I'm bi and haven't had much chance to experiment with women. I would still really like to. Like, a lot. But now I can't. I've talked about it with my bf and even though he understands... there's not much we can do about it. An occasional 3way is the best we can do. 2. I don't always feel like he's the right person for me. We're very different in the way we look at the world, work, socialise, show love (love language), etc. I've been struggling with this and sometimes I don't know if I'm settling because it's convenient (we work together and live together, we like each other AND are always around), or if I'm really just overthinking our perfectly fine relationship due to past traumas. Maybe I could do better? (As in, find someone who's a naturally better fit for me, because my bf is an amazing person and it would be purely personal, nothing against him or for a lack of trying from his side). And now we're buying a house. Which is a major commitment. We happened to have found a place way earlier than we anticipated, and I had hoped to have figured all of this out before we did, but I didn't. So. Yeah. I don't want to tell him I don't want the house, it's his dream place and it would hurt him a lot if I said no now, especially if I explain it's because of these reasons. And I also do really want to live together. Maybe it's just the wadload of money that it's going to cost that is scaring me... So... if you've made it this far, my question is basically; when do I know I'm making a huge mistake? Because despite my doubts, there's nothing realllyy major that is telling me to stop. Would it be fine if I just went along with it all and then just see later? Will it someday suddenly be easy to just end it, or will I just know this is it and we'll live happily ever after? Or am I signing up for a life of settling and looking back when I'm old with grown children regretting my choices now. And if I can't figure it out myself and HAVE to talk with him, how do I make it hurt the least? I'm so overwhelmed, a neutral thought would be really appreciated, thank you!

In love with someone else, how to fall in love again with my partner

Relationship Stress / by callmepien

May 19th, 2022

...See more I might be in love with someone other than my partner. I really don't want to, but he just makes me feel a certain way. That first time spark, the excitement, etc. We're very like minded, something my partner and I are absolutely not. However, I know that it's not worth ruining my current relationship over. I'm not entirely certain about a future with my partner, as we have our problems, but I love him and don't want to lose, nor hurt him. The ideal thing would be for me to keep my distance from my 'crush', but we work together. Quite closely actually, and I really can't avoid him. It also doesn't help that his behaviour is confusing. He says 'nothing will ever happen' and 'he doesn't want to come between me and my partner', as well as that he doesn't seem to be over his last break up. On the other hand however, he flirts with me constantly. He says it's just banter (and my way of just joking around is also often through flirting), but the way he flirts is not what I'd consider just friendly. I just don't buy it. I want to believe that he's truly not interested and respect his 'no', but I don't feel like he's being completely honest. On the other hand, it doesn't matter. I don't know him that well in the first place, and there's no future between us. I don't want anything to happen anyways, regardless of how he feels, because I don't want to ruin my relationship. But I can't stop thinking about him and even though I really try, I just can't get over him. It feels so unfair to my partner because he's been amazing the past few weeks, but I don't know what to do. How do I fall out of love with my colleague, and in love again with my partner?

Assaulted by best friends dad?

Trauma Support / by callmepien

February 22nd, 2022

...See more I've known my best friend for 15+ years now and I used to go over to her house all the time when we were younger. We didn't have much money in my family, but her mom and dad always made sure I could tag along when they went to a pool or attraction park, etc with the kids. I really felt like a part of their family. Of course I would also stay the night every now and then. Her dad was always quite physical with my best friend and her siblings, like play fighting etc, and he would also do that with me. I'm quite a physical person and love hugs etc, but he would be physical with me at times it didn't make any sense. Like at night when I was just getting some water in the kitchen for example. He would press himself up against me from behind and I'm pretty sure he would have a hard on. This happened a few times, to the point where I didn't want to come over anymore. I was young, between 8-14 or something, but definitely old enough to know that this wasn't normal. I've tried to talk with her about this when I was about 11, but I was so young, and so was she. She said it was normal and that he just played like that, he would also do that to her. But she didn't fully understand until what extend he would he physical with me (I'm a 100% sure he never assaulted her) and I hated saying those things, especially about her dad, who's always included me in the family, so I left it at that. Now her parents are divorced (relevant because some things about him came up that kind of pushed him of the pedestal she had him on), and he hasn't touched me like that in years. However, recent, unrelated assault has caused me to be more sensitive to, well, men, and these memories just came popping up. I don't know what to do with it, especially as it's not a problem anymore. But, it does still bother me and I'm considering talking to her about it. Just to let it out I guess. I don't want to cause unnecessary harm though, as it's still her dad whom she loves, despite every thing, and she is my best friend. I know she'd be more understanding now that we're older, but I don't want to... you know... Cause a wedge between us or something. I'm not sure if I should go to a therapist to 'work through this', or if there's even something to work through in the first place... I just don't know what would be the smart thing to do...

How to start that conversation

Relationship Stress / by callmepien

December 18th, 2021

...See more I've been with me boyfriend (28) for a little over a year now, but we keep having arguments and fights. It's the only thing I can be sure of; he'll always get angry with me about everything. Even when we just disagree about something seemingly neutral, he feels criticised or attacked. I'm constantly walking on eggshells and it feels like I'm giving a lot more in this relationship than he is. I've expressed this to him and he got extremely mad as he felt like that was completely unfair, because he's been giving a lot as well. I see that he's been trying to accommodate my needs etc, and I truly appreciate it, but I also feel like most of the time he's not treating me properly. His behaviour has made me extremely insecure and dependent on him and his emotions/moods or opinions. Everything triggers him and I don't know how to talk to him about this. How to fix this. Honestly, I've been thinking about ending it more and more recently, I'm constantly tired and sad. But, I know he does love me and in his mind he's doing the most, so I want to keep fighting a little longer. Now, knowing love is not the issue, I've been trying to find another reason for our constant fighting. I've talked about it with close friends and family, and they (weirdly enough) all seemed to agree on the idea that he might have some personal, unresolved, unrelated, maybe unconscious issues that cause his behaviour. They suggested he might be extremely insecure? But how do I get him to talk about issues he might not even be aware of he has (if he even has them at all)? I'm not a therapist or psychologist, and I don't see a reason why he would be insecure (for example), so how do I even raise that sort of subject?

How to figure out what's wrong?

Relationship Stress / by callmepien

November 5th, 2021

...See more I've been in a relationship with a guy for over a year, and off the bat it has been very intense. Due to work we've been living together since before we were even together and that had been the case ever since. We've had some rough patches, where we were confronted by how different we are and see the world, but after a year we've gotten to know each other quite well. However, the past few weeks we've have constant ups and downs. More downs than ups in my opinion. He gets frustrated by all the things I do wrong (plan a date that's quite far away, ask him to stop fidgeting, not ask him to come to a doctors appointment with me because I assumed he didn't want to drive that far, etc). I see that I make mistakes, but if I ask him to just calmly mention it to me instead of attack me and get angry, he, well, gets angry. I, on the other hand, hate that I have to tiptoe around him. I'm very co-dependent (which I know can be very annoying, so I'm working on it..) and my mood tends to change with his. Because of this, I try to ensure that he's happy and that I communicate as complete and respectful as I can, but the constant fear that he might snap again is taking a toll on me. I'm just not enjoying myself anymore. I love him, and I know he loves me. He can be so terribly kind and then we have great moments together, but he can also be so hateful and cold. We've had some proper conversations about my worries and insecurities concerning our relationship, and it makes him sad that I'm doubting it. After that we are usually good for a while and we're both putting the effort in to adjust to each others needs, but it never lasts long (sometimes just a few hours). I think a part of our problem is the fact that we're always in close quarters with one another, so I'll be spending some time away from home (a few days). He says that it makes him sad I won't be home, but I honestly think all those frustrations are partially because of us constantly being together. We have our own friends and plans, but maybe it's just too much? However, I think the root of our issues might lay deeper. I just don't know what it is, or how to figure it out. Loving each other is enough for now to keep fighting for 'us', but I don't know how to do that. I can't ask him to change who he is, nor would I want him to ask me that, so that makes me question if we're maybe just too different (and maybe too stubborn). The thought of breaking up makes me sad, but the thought of being stuck in this relationship (stuck also because of our work) doesn't make me any happier. I want to find out what I might be doing wrong, but I can't seem to find the red line in the causes of our fights/his frustrations. I just want to be on the same page again, because that was so incredibly nice. But I honestly don't know how to get there...

Thinking about my ex

Relationship Stress / by callmepien

May 18th, 2021

...See more This is probably nothing too abnormal, but I needed to get it of my chest. About a year ago I broke up with my long term boyfriend. It was mostly circumstantial, We were both going to be away for work for long periods and I couldn't deal with long distance. We went through a long and painful break up, but still ended up as friends, as we didn't want to lose one another completely. Now, a year later, I'm in a relationship with someone else and he is also dating again. But, my relationship is not going great at the moment and I've been doubting it for a while. Recently my ex and I met up (no wrong intentions, just as friends) after only having online contact for months and I realised how much I missed having him present in my life. I think the combination of seeing him and things not being great with my partner are causing these thoughts, but I'm questioning whether it was a mistake to end things. He has so many qualities that I'm constantly and actively missing I my current relationship. I keep thinking maybe it was the wrong timing, but it would probably still be the wrong timing right now. I want to be fair to both my ex and partner and get my feelings and thoughts in order, but I have no idea how one is supposed to deal with this..

Can't seem to say it

Trauma Support / by callmepien

April 7th, 2021

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