calmFriend2536 Member Profile

...See more (Trigger Warning) We've been together for about 8 months now. I love him but some things have happened and I'm not sure if this is unhealthy/toxic or not. He has alot of anxiety and depression and is possibly skitzofrentic (not sure how to spell it). 1. He's had a lot of anxiety attacks about things that I've done in my past (people I've been with, sexual things I've done) and I always end up apologizing for it. It makes me feel like a slut sometimes. 2. We were exploring sexually and teasing eachother and he said he rape me (while he was inside me, I was on top) (also knowing I had been sexually assaulted in my past). He had a look of horror on his face after he said that. I didn't want to upset him so I acted like it didn't bother me and kept going. I cried myself to sleep that night, and eventually brought up how it made me feel a couple days later. I again ended up apologizing for it. I still kind of blame it on myself. 3. He tells me almost on a daily basis that he'd kill himself if I ever broken up with him. I don't doubt it. He's tried to strangle himself with a belt in front of me because his mom yelled at him. 4. He wants to have kids but I'm literally terrified of the thought so I've never told him because I don't want to upset him. 5. I quit my job because he was worried about me. I didn't want to leave but he kept having anxiety attacks being so worried. I want to go back there now and every time I mention it he has an anxiety attack and tries to make me promise to not go back. 6. His dog was barking really loud and nocked something off the counter so he pulled out a knife and yelled at him. (The dog was not hurt) I told him it really bothered me that he did that and he said he's sorry he scared me and wouldn't do it again. And then did it again about 20 minutes later. 7. Im gender fluid and bisexual and he refuses to tell his family because he just doesn't want them to know. He rarely uses my pronouns too. 8. He says he's scared that he manipulates me and fakes everything for my attention. 9. We were having sex 2-3 months ago and I just wasn't feeling it anymore and wanted to stop. So I told him that I wanted to stop but he kept going until he came (inside me). He cried afterwards saying he was sorry and it was all his fault and I should leave him ect. But I have him another chance. I said if it happened again I would leave him. And he broke down asking me not to and had me promise that I never would. Other than those rough patches things have been great. We laugh and have fun and joke. His parents love me, and my parents love him (My mom said she's saving up for the wedding even though we're not engaged) even my pets love him. But I'm not sure if it's worth it anymore. I don't know what to do, I'm scared to leave him. Any advice would be great, sorry it was so long!

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