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calmLake1999
169,881 M New Horizon 11
PathStep 287 Compassion hearts1,544 Forum posts4,262 Forum upvotes10,336 Current upvotes10,336 Age GroupAdult Last activeJune, 2023 Member sinceNovember 26, 2017
Recent forum posts
Last start over
Journals & Diaries / by calmLake1999
Last post
 January 21st, 2023
...See more This shall be the last time I start over or I hope. I am still undecided about sticking around for long as my flight instinct keeps kicking in. I have been searching myself for what it is I need right now but I am so unsure. I would like to say I want support but that part of me who feels or decides I am undeserving of support keeps telling me to isolate. Surprisingly the loneliness I've felt hasn't made me feel lower than normal but kept me at a plateau, not sinking but not building up either. It's kept the numbness coming back even when the flashbacks overtake. I also took the step to adopt a small kitten that needed a home which has been interesting settling her in as she decides that it's time to play at around 4 in the morning. Which is why I am up and decided to start again in here. I have found her to help with my suicidal ideations as now when I'm low I know I have to keep going if only for her. There is a huge plus, I guess. She is really cute and really affectionate at times and I felt a pull from the second I laid eyes on her. My mental health hasn't plummeted in my time of self reflecting it just stayed the same. I have tried to go for a hike and spent time making my home as comfortable as possible. I am unsure what a real home is supposed to feel like but I am trying to make it extremely comfy. I haven't had luck in the past with making homes safe for me, but this time I am hoping so much that I don't somehow make this unsafe like I did with the last one. I hold resentment for myself for making my home unsafe last time. I have this fear, this dread sitting in my stomach, things have been smooth sailing besides the flashbacks and nightmares since moving and I keep waiting for things to go downhill. I am waiting for him to find me or to call or something. It feels scary not knowing what will happen next. I'm on edge for danger but feel like I'm being overly paranoid. But also my past has taught me to not let me guard down too far because the moment I start feeling happy and safe things become worse. I'm hoping my kitten decides it's sleep time soon although I'm not extremely tired as I napped in the afternoon. Hope everyone is doing well.
Finding my voice again
Journals & Diaries / by calmLake1999
Last post
 September 6th, 2020
...See more I decided I needed to take a break and start again. Initially I didn't think I'd want to come back, I feel very lost and alone. I somehow lost my ability to communicate and went back on the path of being silent. It's easy to go back that way. I've fallen into old habits of not sleeping, rarely eating and working myself into the ground. It's a cycle unfortunately, going through things I was hoping I'd never have to again. I cut communication with mostly everyone in my life except when at work. Working I've put the facade up and continued on. It's been a tough couple of months and I don't know how I will get back to where I was before. I'm questioning my rights as a person, what I deserve and if I have subjected myself to a life of pain due to being unworthy. The dark thoughts are a constant, the silence is a safety for not only myself but others. I feel like I hurt people inadvertently or render them silent with my stories., Things are hard but I'm trying. I turned to music again and recorded two songs of me singing. One I don't mind too much but I can't upload it properly it seems. I realised though when I listened back, not only that I sound not great with singing but my voice seems to be more whispery ( if that's a word) or more idk the right word but it doesn't sound right, it hasn't for a couple of weeks so not sure what is going on there. I was gonna post the link at the bottom of my singing but I'm really unsure now. I have been painting again though which I guess is a positive. The most positive thing I've found though is that I somehow manage to push on through each day. I know I need to keep trying, there is no giving up at this stage. Although I also decided that I don't want to pursue anything happening to "him". I don't have the strength to go down that path again, so instead I'm gonna try and find somewhere new to live, move to another town still travelable to work. I will keep on keeping on I guess. That's my motto at the moment.
Trying to understand
Journals & Diaries / by calmLake1999
Last post
 April 30th, 2020
...See more Looking back, though I'm still hurting and not very focused, I think I had expectations but didn't, very confused being I am. I was hoping for something new, I thought with boundaries and no fear of the family making things worse that it would be a chance to learn love and friendship and support. Unfortunately I fell into the dynamic or cycle I've been in previously I am not proud of how I handled it. My reactions, the freeze, the fighting, the second guessing myself. I went against my intuition which was screaming at me that it wasn't healthy and I fought against myself. I am unsure if it was the facade that pulled me in or the familiar, but I developed such strong feelings for him, feelings I didn't believe I would experience. I allowed some things to happen because I thought it has been worse in the past and maybe I'm that broken I don't know what a normal relationship is supposed to be like. I think my reasoning behind allowing things to happen may have been out of wanting to be loved, this longing I've had all my life but stuffed down with the other not to be felt emotions, as well as it being familiar that I fell into an old routine. I am not innocent though in this and will not pretend I am. I did so many things wrong, I challenged him and fought against what he was saying, I refused him things and antagonised him (that's what he was saying), I argued when he told me to be quiet and I was quiet when he wanted to talk...
Strong? That still remains to be seen
Journals & Diaries / by calmLake1999
Last post
 October 8th, 2019
...See more I decided to come back on here as a whim, but also for some closure I think. I ran when things got tough and scary, but ive forgiven myself for that. I had to protect myself and distance myself from the things that once aided in my healing to reopening wounds that were very much already open. I regret though, because with running I lost the some of those who I would call my closest friends. I think I am finally healing, things have been rough still but because I remain standing through all of the pain thrown my way, those who have caused my pain are starting to fall. I wouldn't call what I am doing strong, though those supporting me continue to use that. I am weak, infallible and human. That human part is the most important, because I am finally seeing that which I couldn't see before. So yes, I cry, I refuse to sleep out of fear sometimes, I run from those who try to help, I lash out at myself and i feel defeated most of the time, but one thing is certain; I am still trying despite how hard the road gets.i dont know what the purpose of starting this diary is and i probably wont write often, but I think I needed to just put out in the universe, that no matter how dark the road gets, nothing has broken me and at this point in time, nothing will break me, because I'm imperfectly human and will continue to fight
Private explanation and need of break
Journals & Diaries / by calmLake1999
Last post
 June 17th, 2018
...See more @wizeakre @CaloenasNicobarica @purpleWest8143 @perfectStorm426 I'm putting this explanation up because I partially feel like I need to explain but I'm putting it here because I don't want everyone to read it gah well anyone can but I don't want it in my diary and dont know about putting it in trauma sub where it probably belongs but this is something I just wanted to share with you guys privately I guess. So the incident that happened which really has me falling apart now partly because I don't know how to Pick myself up again, I don't know how to cope and I was fearing this would happen but had been told by others that i was being dramatic and too sensitive. Last Saturday night while out celebrating and trying to live a normal life, I was assaulted, the harrassment turned far darker than I imagined it could but had feared it would. I got myself home in a state of shock and posted to my diary as North had posted asking what I was doing. I didn't want to share because I was stupid in thinking I could go out and live a normal life and trust those I was with to help. No one noticed that I was missing or no one cared. Not sure. I'm unable to manage this and have been mixing up between wanting support or flighting from this site, the part of me that still believes the critic truly believes I was at fault but the other part is trying to assure me I'm not, idk? What happened in my diary I feel bad about I kept reaching out but being vague as well,.. I'm in need of a
Hope is that glimmer of light inside of a dark night
Trauma Support / by calmLake1999
Last post
 September 26th, 2018
...See more So starting fresh, emotions not where i want to be, still not anywhere near where I want to be at the moment, but I kinda miss having a safe place to rant and put my poetry up and even make silly posts. Doubt there will be silly posts anytime soon, but I hope in time. As my title says Hope is that glimmer of light inside of a dark night, that is what I've been trying hard to hold onto, that small glimmer of hope to get me through this, its been difficult, well more than difficult, I have struggled immensely to comprehend anything right now, struggling how I managed to get myself into this situation again. I have been so appreciative of the support I have had during this time. I am in no way near even being anywhere close to where I was just a week and a bit ago, I was so ready to end the chapter of my life where I get hurt, get my power taken away and lose my voice. But in a way I have been heard this time, there are those still taking my choices from me, like not being able to work right now, as frustrated as it makes me feel, as I am feeling and told I am in wrong well not in so many words but still, being told there is a risk if I return to work at this time. Not helpful. Hmm enough ranting about that. There is still physical pain to contend with on top of the emotional pain but somehow I am making it through. My sleep is better but worse if that makes sense, I am sleeping so much the past week but also its not good sleep. My PTSD has been at its height while awake, hypervigilance, flashbacks, irritability, the whole shebang as well as I think my depression is the worse its been in a long time, bad bad thoughts, but I keep on keeping on. Im holding onto the support and care I have recieved this time around. I'll start this new diary off with a poem, the same poem I posted in my feed, its not in anyway good or looking for light, but its a poem reflective of how I feel. I am going to try to stress less about being positive or healing quickly in this new thread. I need to take it one day at a time, well 1 second at a time at the moment, but I am still trying, I am still here so that counts I think. Can't remember what I called this poem? Broken and vulnerable again, Old known hurt and pain New wounds on parts of my soul A chill in my body from the cold and rain That night replaying like a horror show My voice and screams, an unheard no! A shutting down to protect in ways A deep upset and broken shame A fight now taken from my heart Another fear now of the dark A chance taken on becoming normal A stupid decision thats left me vulnerable A fight I never had the chance to win And being told it was my sin So many bruises and cuts to heal Too many emotions I can feel A week now has almost passed, I dont know how I managed to last, Feels like im barely surviving, While I randomly begin crying A bad friend to those who care A wanting to be able to share, Scared of seeing others agree With the thoughts I have of me I will end this on the hope that one day and hopefully soon, that hope that I hold in my heart for things to be better, for things to stop being this bad, for just a tiny little break from all the bad.. I hope one day this will no longer just be a far fetched idea for myself but something I am able to live and feel the freedom of no longer being harmed or silenced.
People can be so cruel!
Trauma Support / by calmLake1999
Last post
 January 21st, 2018
...See more This community is the only place where I feel like I am safe. At least here people don't want to destroy me.. Im so confused and hurt by the words of my mother and others who seem to think they know me and think its ok to take their pain and hurt out on me. I don't get how a mother could tell her own child that she should end her life! There is no logic to it! I know she is a cruel and toxic person which is why I have continued to attempt to block contact but she manages to find ways to hurt me still.. I know its only words but she is yet again preying on me when im vulnerable . I am trying to not give in to her words but I almost slipped last night. I feel like in the end she will get her way. She is a master manipulator always managing to have people on her side and I don't know how. I try to be kind and caring and the complete opposite to her but what is it getting me? I refuse to turn into her because she is a hateful person. She keeps feeding my negative thoughts. She keeps trying to push me to breaking point and I just don't know how to resist it. Can I just please have some peace. Can I just have a little sense of safety? Slowly and steadily trying to ground myself but its a very hard task.. This fight is exhausting!
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