calypteanna Member Profile

Vent: Stuck in a Loop

OCD & Related Behaviors / by calypteanna

February 29th, 2024

...See more I'm stuck. Frustrated and stuck. I feel like something is eating at me inside and I can't let it go, but I can't do anything with it, either. My mind is wrapped in an impossible loop, and I am at once addicted to it and loathe it at the same time. People have this type of relationship with substances, like alcohol and narcotics, but what if the "substance" is your own mind? If I try to ignore it, it nags and nags and nags, interrupts my focus and demands attention, like a craving. Sometimes I've imagined that obsession doesn't drive my behavior. That I'm actually exercising a willful control, deciding what to focus on and engage. If I put that energy to productive use, it's fine, right? It's not obsessive-compulsive anymore as long as it "serves a purpose." That is how I've tried to operate, and it doesn't work. I become a slave to some subconscious demand and my conscious will is just along for the ride, snapping this way and that like a rubber doll, blind to the next bend, having faith that if I am so moved to act and can't let go then it's for the good and important, even if it stops making sense. Because it's so powerful. The way I naturally seem to operate... I wish it didn't get so messed up.

Events before conscious memory

Trauma Support / by calypteanna

August 3rd, 2020

...See more How do events prior to conscious memory shape ptsd symptoms for children? Is there a way to move beyond those symptoms as an adult? I've been told that my father bullied me when I was a baby and that I'd cry and scream whenever he was around until I was about three years old. My mother says it is a major reason she divorced him. I only have one foggy memory of this where I had to be dragged out from under my bed to go to his house. I remember admiring his intelligence and wit, and I wanted to have his approval and tried to avoid saying or doing anything that might make him think I was stupid or incapable... he was sharp and critical and struggled with alcohol abuse, but was never violent. He stopped drinking so he could be in my life. I have a lot of compassion and love for my dad, but there is a disconnection. lt is like being in the beginning stages of relationship where one doesn't entirely trust the other but really wants to trust, and that is where we've been for 30 years. I have this sinking feeling that those early experiences shaped some of who I am, how I orient toward the world and relate with others, how I express myself, and the severe behavioral and emotional problems I had as a child. It isn't all on him or anything, but it bothers me that I can't know one way or another what exactly happened between us, or know how to fix the problems it caused.

What we've learned from our meditation practice

Mindfulness Center / by calypteanna

July 14th, 2020

...See more Hello everyone, I've been slowly developing a consistent 'meditation practice' over the last six months or so. I don't have much depth or breadth of knowledge, but I'm taking a more intuitive approach with some guidance. I find the "Balance" meditation app very helpful, for instance. I thought it might be useful to talk about what we've learned through meditation practice - what works for us, what hasn't, how it changes over time, how we learned to meditate, what 'ah-ha' moments we've had, the benefits we've seen, and maybe even some of the pitfalls. I pose this question to all visitors so that we may learn from each other. First, start by saying how long you've been meditating and what 'school of thought' you might follow (if any). Then answer some or all of the topics posed above, as much as is relevant you. :) Here are a few things I've been experiencing for anyone who is interested: 1- Meditation that focuses on emotional states or the body can bring up unresolved traumas and need to be handled with care. I wish I knew this before trying meditation, because it led to some very disagreeable experiences and put me off to mediation for a long time. In research I've done, this is not discussed very much by meditation advocates. 2- I've noticed if I try to 'let go' of all thoughts during a meditation session to quiet the mind, I become forgetful through the rest of the day. It seems to interrupt my ability to remember important things (such as where I placed my keys, or an appointment coming up). I've shifted my practice to 'holding' thoughts that require action, and only letting them go after a plan to deal with the subject is decided upon. Thoughts that are trivial or don't require action, or keep repeating, are the ones I train myself not to get caught up in. When I approach meditation this way, I become less forgetful. 3- Breath work is the most effective for me to improve well-being and calm when I am distracted, scattered, or stressed out. 4- Visualization exercises are most effective when I want to communicate with the 'unconscious'. If I'm struggling emotionally and don't know why, this helps me to pinpoint a cause. 5- Gratitude exercises work well when I'm unmotivated. 6- My attitude towards mindfulness has changed since I've started meditating regularly. I used to think mindfulness was only about 'staying present', such as not disassociating and paying attention to surroundings. However, I've come to a more refined understanding. An 'ah-ha' moment came when I heard an interview with a doctor whom advocated trascendental meditation and claimed to have practiced under a 'world-renowned' teacher. She said she meditated 20 minutes and day and saw improvements to her focus and energy (she works 14 hour days with two jobs). Moments later, she talked about how she struggled with hydration. She said she never used to drink water and had three kidney stones. So, she resolved to drink more water - this meant she measured out how much water she was supposed to drink in a day and forced herself to drink it to make sure she stayed hydrated. This doctor mentioned that this was one of the hardest things she did in her attempts to improve her health. I found this very striking - that someone whom meditates 20 minutes a day doesn't have enough awarness or is too busy to know when she is thirsty and forces herself to drink water. What good is meditating every day if you don't listen to what your body has to say, and must rely on external metrics to tend even the most basic needs? She didn't need more focus, she had so much of that that she could forget her own thirst! Often, it seems, what we want more of isn't actually what we need. Mindfulness, as I understand it more now, is about being present enough to listen to what our body needs as well as our soul, and meditation can give us tools to listen more closely - not just during the practice, but at all times. I've come to a place now where it is getting easier to recognize what is helpful and what is hurtful, and not project into the future or the past to ignore bodily signals. I'm starting to trust my body's 'wisdom' in the present. I believe it is not just me - that in western society we're taught to ignore when we're tired, ignore when we're thirsty, ignore when we're hungry, ignore when we're full, ignore when we are struggling emotionally, ignore when we are in pain, ignore our dreams. From work demands, to technology use, to diet, to how we set up our daily environments and engage (or not engage) our communities, we are taught to ignore our needs - often for the sake of 'normalcy' or productivity. Often we feel guilty for tending to ourselves, where self-care must be a trendy, commericalized production to win acceptance. There are instances where we must put off our needs or external circumstances forces them to go unmet, but we can learn to be mindful when that is happening, and try our best to mitigate harm (for ourselves and others!). That is where focus and resilience becomes important, to me - not to ignore the impact of hardships, but to make our hardships purposeful. So, that is what I've been learning from meditation so far and where I've found some meaning practicing it. Thanks for reading to the end. I look forward to hearing other experiences and perspectives!

Cornerstone habit

Mindfulness Center / by calypteanna

June 22nd, 2020

...See more Hi all, This is an idea I've been batting around in my head for a little while. I'd like to hear some thoughts on it, and maybe it will be something others here would like to try (or develop further). Mindfulness is difficult for me - it is very easy to dissassociate, get lost in thought, and not pay attention to my surroundings (or rather, actively avoid them). I become overwhelmed by thoughts of the future, of what life might demand from me. Recently, I've made an effort to develop healthy habits. Because it is so hard for me to maintain a habit, I tried something a bit different with it. I'm going to call it a cornerstone habit. The cornerstone habit is a very simple, quick, and accessible activity that I can build all my other habits around. It is so easy, that even on my worst days, I can usually overcome the inertia - and if that is all I do, I consider it a point towards resilence. The funny thing, though, is in practice, very rarely will it be the only thing I do. These are the features of my cornerstone habit: 1) easy and accessible 2) done in less than two minutes 3) makes me feel good 4) is good for my body and calls attention to it 5) invoked by a simple call to act 6) can be coupled with additional behaviors and habits 7) trackable The habit is to wash my face, twice a day. Whenever I wake up, and feel like I can't get out of bed, I invoke, "wash your face" and it gets me out of bed. I feel the hot water drawing warmth into my skin, and everything changes. I check a box that says I washed my face that day, which helps reinforce the habit. After 'mastering' wash my face, I moisturize my face, then after that, getting dressed and taking care of my hair. Check check. I am suddenly present again, in control. It seems almost silly - everyone does this daily. Yet, I don't treat it flippantly. When I wash my face, it is like I haven't washed my face ever before, like it is the first time I've experienced that relief. It is a habit with a special meaning to me, and that is what makes it different and keeps me grounded. It sets a foundation. Do you have a cornerstone habit? What it is it, if you do? If you don't, if this is something you might benefit from, can you think of a habit that could do this for you? What would it be? It has been so effective, I wanted to share this idea in case it can help others struggling with motivation, anxiety, depression, or simply with staying present. It might be reinventing the wheel, but it is what it is, haha.

Art

Trauma Support / by calypteanna

November 13th, 2019

unacknowledged childhood trauma, trigger warning for domestic abuse situation

Trauma Support / by calypteanna

September 8th, 2019

...See more I'm fairly certain my childhood could be considered traumatic - at least, logically. I have a difficult time acknowledging it emotionally because I was in therapy all through adolesence, but the traumatic conditions I lived through (to my knowledge) were never discussed or considered related to my dysfunctional behavior, even as it was occurring. I second guess whether or not I have a right to my feelings about anything. Yet, when I read about other people's experiences here, I relate to the coping mechanisms for trauma very much. I don't understand why I was told by doctors that my avoidant behaviors and phobias as a 12 year old were because I had a depressive disorder that needed treatment with medication, as if it was entirely separate from the instability of my home life at the time the symptoms began. Between 10 years old and 16, my mother left my stepfather, we moved upwards of 20 times, and were homeless off and on for two years. The things I saw and experienced at home, on the street and in shelters were awful... but, I never recoginzed it as 'trauma' because it never fit the stereotype of what I thought it could be. I didn't know what verbal abuse was, or emotional abuse. I didn't know that witnessing abuse against others could cause trauma. I certainly couldn't claim systemic abuse in homeless shelters, public schools, and mental health clinics as trauma... right? I grew up with this implicit expectation that no matter what bad things happened, any negative reaction or inability to push on and cope with it was abnormal. I'm angry that the trouble I had in school - truancy, hiding in bathrooms, daydreaming, not completing assignments, paranoia of the teacher or classmates' intentions - were treated as signs of inexplicable mental illness or deliquency rather than possible trauma. It is so confounding that I believe I must have missed something, that somehow I forgot or didn't notice the acknowledgement. Why did I never feel it? Is it my fault, because I never trusted any teacher or 'professional' enough to tell them what was going on? In a psych report from when I was thirteen, an evaluator mentioned that I wrote a story in which a child had 'done something wrong' was not at fault because the parents had acted wrongly (no details given). The evaulator noted that this shows that I did not like taking responsiblity for my actions and blame others for my problems. Reading that as an adult, it infuriates me that this is how my situation was viewed. For one, my focus on placing blame should have been a red flag. Two, if they had any interest in my history at all, they might notice my stepfather had been in prison for 20 years and my mother had recently left him due to abuse, and maybe that might influence why I'd question parental fitness. Four years earlier, I called the police because my stepfather was punching and throwing things in our living room during a fight with my mother. She had told me to call the police if he ever got violent again, but the call violated his parole. The fight was immediately forgotten and they looked terrifed, taking the phone from me and hanging it up. I came to the sudden realization that adults couldn't always see the consequences of their own actions... that they could be as out of control as any unruly, tempermental child. My stepfather's violence scared me because I thought he knew what he was doing. When I realized that wasn't true, it fundementally changed how I viewed adults and my relationship with them. I was no longer afraid of him or his authority over me. I always had the moral high ground, no matter what he did, and that gave me an odd sense of strength. I didn't trust anyone to tell me what was right and wrong anymore. That is what was reflected in that story.... and yet, I still don't know if I'm justified to feel the way I do. It is one many experiences that I haven't been able to reconcile. I might be processing these things for the rest of my life.

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