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carefulSummer6323
87 M Embraced
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts7 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes0 Current upvotes0 Age GroupAdult Last activeNovember, 2017 Member sinceNovember 23, 2017
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I feel like I shouldn't be depressed but I am..
Depression Support / by carefulSummer6323
Last post
 November 26th, 2017
...See more When you're younger you never think that you would be one of the people to fall depressed but as a young adult now I realize that unfortunately I'm one of the people that it effects. My story starts when I was 16 well actually even before that I grew up very depressed as a child I was the first of four children and my mom never truly wanted to me so I was always unwanted. I was loved by my dad so he and I got along well. But my mother and I constantly fought and she put me down day after day and because of that I have low self-esteem to this day. I was constantly bullied as a child and crew timid and when I turned 15 I got my first job. I was happy to have escaped from home and school. I met I met my significant other and first time in my life I was happy. I ended up rebelling and I ended up dropping out of school. I thought I was smarter than everyone I wanted to prove everyone who hated me in my own mind mind you that I was different that I wasn't me. I wanted to feel special. I ended up getting pregnant. I initially planned to get pregnant and then leave him. I never told him that it haunts me to this day. I never did leave him I stayed with him and it ended up being crazy. So at the young age of 16 and I had my daughter and I ended up becoming a recluse. I stopped talking to everybody including my own parents. I ended up quitting my job eventually and sinking further and further into a black hole. He and I constantly fought and I didn't know any different because at the time I thought that was right. I fell pregnant with my second daughter 14 months after the first and that destroyed me. I ended up costly researching ways to get rid of her as much as I hate to admit it now I was depressed. I wanted nothing more than to miscarry and it's awful. I hate the fact that I've felt that way and I feel that pain every time I see her even to this day. Hi after that I stayed as a stay-at-home mom and that depressed me because I was quarantine kind of in a way I was away from everyone. I was miserable talked to nobody and grow into a shell of my former self. Eventually in 2014 I got a job and that helped. But the depression in the dark gloomy cloudiness never went away and it just loomed and I ended up liking my job to a point but never made me truly happy. And the way I just thought this was just something to do for my children to make them happy and be able to support them. I stayed there for 3 years and throughout that time I fought with my significant other quite a bit we fight a lot he was very controlling throughout the relationship and now that I have that job he was always questioning my intent and my purpose in the relationship. He always thought I was up to no good when I wasn't. I always felt Miss trusted and I couldn't trust him. I always wanted to do stuff and I couldn't cuz as a young parent there is no way. Jealous of everyone else my age who was able to have fun and resentful to the fact that I had to get a GED rather then walk across the stage like I always wanted. And as the years went by I finally this last year decided I need to change my job and I left it completely unsure but just feeling empty going through the motions and not surely thinking about anything except I just have to make it through this next hour. I ended up getting a new job and I just caused new problems my significant other accuse me of being unfaithful and it is me of many awful things accuse me of not showing up for work when I was bringing home paychecks that prove I was at work when I said I was I grew more depressed that month that I stay there I ended up walking out on my job because he was screaming at me during my lunch break I went home I just never went back. Ever since some I've been doing instacart on the side Uber as well. Those are not very good then comes to have kids but I just depressed and I don't have the motivation or drive and I don't want to do anything except sleep I go through each day feeling empty and lost. I want to feel better and that's why I'm doing this I'm hoping if I kind of log my feelings and talk about it even though in real life have no one to talk to or any way to talk to someone I feel like it will help and I'm sorry if it's depressing it's just my life.
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