chromatikat Member Profile

...See more I think I might be developing an eating disorder. And yes, I get that I should be talking to a professional of some kind, but I have this thing where I just cant. For various reasons that I won't go into unless asked. Anyways, Im not looking for a diagnosis. I just need someone to tell me if this sounds abnormal, if it sounds like a problem, and at what point its severe enough that I absolutely NEED to seek treatment, not just SHOULD. Okay. Im going to try and get through this without specific numbers, since Ive noticed those arent allowed. So about a month ago it was brought to my attention that my normal eating behaviours/attitudes could be labelled disordered. I never thought that before, but its possible. I have streaks of time where I cant (or refuse to) eat unless someone tells me to, I go days eating next to nothing because Im just not hungry or cant bring myself to eat, and then when I do eat its often something like a whole box of cookies, or Ill raid the cupboards and eat a bunch of everything, or Ill make three sandwiches. The mixture of undereating and overeating must have balanced out though, because as far as I know my weight/health hasn't changed much (aside from feeling dizzy and sick during some undereating spells). My behaviours being labelled disordered eating led me to obsessively research eating disorders (because thats just what I do) and that led me to one of the main things that started this… pro-ana sites. Now, Ive also gone on extreme health kicks before. It usually it lasts a couple months or so, and then… I dont know, fades away? I dont remember. I know had rules, habits, forbidden foods, and I checked calories but I never counted them before now. And the obsessive episodes never took up this much of my life, though it was definitely an obsession. I dont know how I got from that point to this one, but fast forward a month and Im now following the strict calorie restriction rules of a popular pro-ana diet. Im spending ALL of my free time looking up recipes, pro-ana sites, thinking about food, planning meals, etc. And if something doesn't go according to plan, my anxiety takes a sudden spike until I figure out how to re-plan. Ive been losing weight at a decent speed, but Im still a normal weight for my height. But I dont think this is about weight. I've always been mid to low average. I was always the girl who could eat a whole pizza and still be pretty small, I was proud of that title. (Even though I have body parts I've always hated.) But I do have a goal weight. My ideal weight is basically at the very bottom of the normal range for my height, but my current goal is in the underweight zone. I figured that if I go that low Ill have room to gain when this obsession passes and I go back to eating healty. Or at least, that was the plan. And half the time, I am still planning to do that. But I'm starting to wonder if I even can. I think it'll be easier once this diet is over, since I feel like I HAVE to stick to the plan so when the plan ends I'm hoping that'll be that. But Im starting to feel stuffed after things like a single nectarine or half a rice cake, and my instinctive reaction any foods over 200 calories is that theyre too expensive and therefore inedible. And I have this weird in between thing where I want to eat foods like pizza and cookies but also I really really dont. I just… want to want it I guess? I'm starting to wonder if that and the calorie counting are going to go away that easily. I keep switching between thinking this is a problem and that I need to stop ASAP before it gets worse, thinking that it might develop into a problem but its fine for now and Ill consider getting help IF I still need it once I reach my goal, and brushing off all concerns as over reactions and me being dramatic (something Im accused of being very often). I feel satisfied, I feel full, and my physical health is no worse than it usually is so theres nothing to worry about. Which part is right?

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