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convivialWillow649
68 M Embraced
PathStep 2 Compassion hearts6 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes4 Current upvotes4 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2020 Member sinceMay 27, 2020
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I don't even know what my problem is
Depression Support / by convivialWillow649
Last post
 June 3rd, 2020
...See more I'm "mostly" fine most of the time, especially if I have things to keep me busy. But I've always had a default setting in my mind that I'm in the wrong. I'm doing it wrong, I'm doing the wrong thing, in an argument or discussion I'm easily convinced I'm wrong even if I really know what I'm talking about. And at my lowest points, that my entire existence is wrong, that I'm a mistake. I can compartmentalize and function well for most stuff, as long as it's outward. I'm very happy with my marriage and my home, get on pretty well with my family and have a lot of hobbies I enjoy. But as soon as anything gets inward, about myself, I fall apart. And while I have many "friends", they're really just acquaintances, and there's a loneliness in me that is sure no one actually knows or gets me. A lot of people consider me level headed and no nonsense, but when it's about myself, it's like I don't even have skin. All my nerves and emotions are right on the surface. Doesn't help that right now I'm out of work and just home alone most of the time. Too many hours in the day for my brain to not have a distraction. Then I get down on myself for not using this time to "work" on stuff that might improve my life. I've started a few projects (learning a 2nd language, getting in shape, household projects that I wasn't getting to while working full time) but haven't kept up or finished any of it. I'm having a hard time caring. The employment is getting to me, I don't seem to have goals or dreams, I've just floated through life bumping into opportunities. Now I'm out of accidental stuff and need to make decisions about what my future might look like, and again, having a hard time caring. I have a fair amount of abuse history, from a young age, and logically I know that and this are not a coincidence, but I can't seem to get past it.
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