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crimsonTalker6672
3,021 M Hopeful Heart 7
PathStep 48 Compassion hearts176 Forum posts187 Forum upvotes297 Current upvotes297 Age GroupAdult Last activeMarch, 2023 Member sinceFebruary 9, 2017
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PTSD Diary
Trauma Support / by crimsonTalker6672
Last post
 March 24th, 2023
...See more So its day 2 on my journey after being diagnosed with PTSD. I had traumatic experiences as a child, the big one being losing my Mum & after that my Dad was in a series of toxic relationships where I feared for my life. It's 10:22 & I haven't done much in the way of work yet, but I will. I am getting used to what triggers me & trying to challenge the thoughts! My Dad seems to think that I am his advisor & counsellor & have been since I was 11. He asked for my advice on a situation on Monday & I said I don't know. He hasn't spoken to me since then. I forgot to mention we work together so speaking is a daily occurence. Whenever I see something that's from around 2008 it makes me want to go back there & relive the past 10 years, all of which have been a blur! I have meditated & I am going to get on with my work in the most professional way. Just for today I will be strong.
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Diagnosed with PTSD yesterday!
Trauma Support / by crimsonTalker6672
Last post
 November 8th, 2017
...See more I'm going to tell my story so I will put a trigger warning on this! I lost my Mum in 2004 & have been subject to emotional abuse since then. My Dad has had several toxic relationships which have taken a toll on me & I've feared for my life several times. We work together & I think I constantly get triggered by reminders of the trauma. I don't know if this is because of the situation or because its my Dad. I am constantly stressed. I wake up in the morning feeling anxious, this anxious feeling sometimes goes away but it can last for months. I feel bad because its nothing to do with Hannah, its just me. I zone out A LOT. I listen to music and fantasize about how I want my life to be as though it cant be positive. I do this most days & feel guilty about it. I really struggle to focus on my work & feel guilty when I fall behind. I find routines hard to maintain & struggle to consistently do positive things in my life! I will go to the gym for a month and then just stop. I will ghost people for no apparent reason. When I drink I feel deeply upset & lash out. I feel low a lot of the time, although I never feel the temptation to self-harm. I get road rage over slight things & this can bother me all day. In some ways I preferred being driven or getting the bus. I find it hard to trust people & always feel as though another disaster is on the way. I feel as though nothing is permanent in my life & things could just suddenly change one day. I think this is why I find it hard to actually build a future that I want & am not a bystander in. In spite of everything that has gone on I still love my Dad & want to build a business with him. I think that my triggers could pop up anywhere & the key to shutting the door on my PTSD is dealing with the issues relative to my Dad, not running away from them. I am terrified of arguments & where they can lead. I then never argue or stand up for myself because Im scared of the consequences. I never have panic attacks or get really upset, I just feel low & numb. Its hard to describe. I feel as though I havent had a good nights sleep in years! I dont feel safe in my own home even though it is my safe space.
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