crnb3rry Member Profile

...See more I have constant worries, about things large and small. Sometimes I scoff at the word "worry," because it seems too small and insignificant. Sometimes, the thoughts I get are more like ice picks. They are so incredibly powerful that I don't think they count as "worrying." Sometimes there are images that accompany them, and I have to counteract them somehow in my brain to get them to stop. I usually think stopstopstopstopstopstop until they, you know, stop, but lately I have caught myself saying that out loud and that terrifies me. Sometimes when I get these images, I catch myself making this high-pitched humming sound to "cover" them somehow, to block them out. This is almost completely involuntary, I may or may not notice that I'm doing it until it's too late. It's automatic. I haven't tried to stop doing this because I don't think I can handle just having the full thought with nothing blocking it out. I have a phobia that is so strong that I can't actually tell anyone about it or even type it here for fear of that causing it to happen somehow. I'm afraid that I'm going to do one of these weird tics out loud in public and embarrass myself. Sometimes if I'm in a meeting, I physically cover my mouth because I'm so afraid I'm going to blurt something out. I have constant anxiety symptoms, physical and mental. I have a constant lump in my throat and I feel like I can never swallow, cough, or drink enough water to fix it. I'm currently being treated for other medical things, so I have had several physical exams lately, and I know there is nothing physically wrong with my throat, but that doesn't stop the sensation in any way. My SO is getting fed up with my throat-clearing and I am just exhausted from living like this. I recently went to a therapist for like 3 sessions. I told her about a recent panic attack I had while driving, and I feel like all she heard was panic attack. She made me read this self-help book that was published in like the 90s. She exclaimed, "Next time you feel nervous, try singing!" When I tried to tell her that I was very distressed about certain things, she kept telling me that she was trying to "normalize" what I'm going through. I felt like she just didn't hear me at all. I went to her because she was covered by my insurance and had a low copay, but I guess sometimes you get what you pay for. I am filled with confusion, anger, even a sense of betrayal, and I don't even want to try another therapist, but I know I can't live like this either. I just wish I knew what's wrong with me so I could know what to do about it.

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