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hey guys ! hope you all are doing good .
i am ak , last couple days were very very too much for me to handle . Continous panic attacks , chest tightness , heavy breathing , sucidal thoughts , fear had taken over me. I would say through out my years of depression this was the worst phase.
currently i am just trying to be neutral nor happy nor sad , just be . Idk what a right way is to put what i feel in words but i will try to tell from my childhood i guess .
firstly , i am a single child . from my childhood , expressing myself , what i feel , what my opinion is , expressing emotions has been not that easy for me . i couldnt express my heart like others do .
i grew with my mom and dad . i was more attached to my dad when i was a child . i used to wait awake unitl he used to return from his work . If he used to get late , i developed a tendency to think what worst would had happen , and i used to cry and contiously call him , unitl he picked my call or reached the home . well i could not never express my love to him in time.
talking about our home , well i could not say what i wanted to do openly . I feard . Until i turned 16 i had not even went out with my friends once , i never went movie with them or whatsoever . I could not express myself . they are very good parents , they have given me everyting but i feel emotionally it was different , now that i think of it .Once i took my bicycle two streets away , and once i went to my friends place who used to live 3 minutes away . My dad beat me for going there and mom shouted at me , from then i never asked them about going with friends .
there were contious arguments between dad and mom. Sometimes it last for week or so . Sometimes reached until one was thinking to end the realtion . All that used to happen in front of me . I used to cry , beg and think atleast one of them would stop , but they didnt . This is where i learned to hold my feelings to myself .
my depression started when i was 14 . i was done mentally , emotionally . All i wanted was a happy home . nothing much .
at the start of corona time, my dad and mom had went out , they came home . i guess they were arguing on the way home and almost avoided a crash . I remember after coming home , mom says to me , for having a son like you , it would have been better that dad crashed that day and ended everything . I still remeber that moment .
then begin the worst time , during corona , i was in last year of my school . we had important examinations . and i was in depression , i could not learn or remember a single concept . I was trying what i could . me and my dad's realtion was not going good . Wasnt his fault . my "adolescence" had kicked in . I wanted to be free i feel i dont know what i wanted .
In february , my dad felt ill , he tested positive for corona . i was sent to my grandparents for safety .
before going he tried to hug me , i *** up and said dont . well only if i had known it was last time .
he was in hospital for 2 months , in may , he went through a operation , which was successful . during this period i was moved to my uncle's place for better enviroment . And i had realized the mistake i did of not hugging him . After his operation , his oxygen remained 98 for a week or so . On 19th of may , doctor said he is all good and will be going home tommorrow. I was *** happy . I had decided to hug and say him i love you . Well , on 20th everything was going good , suddelnly in afternoon i sensed the atmosphere in the house changing . In evening at around 7 30 my uncle comes home from hospital and says "come we need to go to hospital , dad's serious you need to see him once " . we went , throught the time on road i was praying to god , holding on my life that make him return safely , keep him and all that . We reached the hospital , my mom was im another car and she was crying , they put me there and i wanted and was trying to go up to see him and there is were my mom said ," son , dad passed at 5pm only ." That hit me .
i could not see him that day too , even dead , due to cornona hospital policies . I was sent home , i never came out of the regret of that hug . of my choices .
Then the next two years of my high school were just depression , sucidal thoughts , no one to listen , no one to help , nothing . I stayed strong for my mom . I tried . But i could not focus on my studies and i scored just 67%.
mom was sad , i was the only one im her friend group , our family , who ever scored this less marks . I still hear about that .
due to it i got into a 3rd tier engineering college . I had decided to get my life back , but my asthma and a girl i met , ruined my plans . the girl i met , lied to me , she was just 2 3 weeks into a breakup with her ex , and to whom she used to talk and met and he thretened me . and i was never a guy who would fight or could fight or has people. I went more into my depression , fear , anxitey took me again over .
my asthma , damn i started having more and more attacks , i was admitted many times , this continued till last year . I tried to keep myself up .
things looked better outside, but inside the pain , i never addressed it dude . A guy started visiting our house after my dad's death very very frequently . mom claims him as a school friend . But i have heared him to be her college love . I dont even know man. I dont like him.
well fast forward to now , there are many unsaid things obviously but last couple weeks were very bad . I have never been able to maintain my attendce throughout my enigneering till date due to the fear and anxitey i get after leaving my house .
but now days were all sucidal , negative , too much to handle and nowehere to express . i dont egen know what to express . Man . I havent attained clg in weeks , las time i went i cried in front of one of the tr . It was very bad. I have nothing left to try to change my life . I have just been low and low . Each passing day i feel my faith is sealed or something .
i am in a realtionship , she helps a lot but uk at one point no one cant help because even they have there problems , they also need us but we are only stuck in ours.
thankyou guys if you read this much . sorry for any thing that might have been wrong to say or so .
