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cyanMoon4823
71 M Embraced
PathStep 2 Compassion hearts6 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes3 Current upvotes3 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2018 Member sinceOctober 17, 2018
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Hi! I'm new here and I struggle sometimes. Don't we all?
Newbie Hub / by cyanMoon4823
Last post
 October 18th, 2018
...See more Hi, I lost my wife of many years to colon cancer last December after a nearly 2.5 year battle. Part of me was relieved while most of me was destroyed. I have been in a relationship with a wonderful woman who ticks all my boxes for a companion. She has been a wonderful souding board and friend who understands almost everything there is to understand about my feelings. I've been very open (new for me) and emotionally available. VERY. Yet, I can't help feeling guilty about having feelings for her. I can't help but feel loneliness to the point that I want to curl up in a ball and whine and cry about it. My best friend moved on from her disease and left me and my two kiddos here to keep the faith. I find it very difficult to be anything but unhappy and angry and grouchy and... I try not to let the kids see it and I think the see me as a strong dad who just happens to have a girlefriend that they absolutely adore. Why then, can't I shake these feelings? I want to be fully committed to all that my life holds for me, but... I used to be very strong in my belief in God. Lately, I've really been questioning things though. My sister-in-law was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. It's really a bad case that I find difficult to remain positive about with my personal knowledge and experience. I want so desperately to remain positive and tell her and my kids that everything is going to be alright. How can I say that to them when I did that before and was shown that I don't make the plans around here? I'm just feeling really overwhelmed lately and it's affecting my work. I don't do much any more but surf the internet looking for distractions from my day. I can't do what I once could (chores, projects, etc) because forever needing to go to the store or do the household stuff (I have a new appreciation for women who work and come home to take care of the family because dad is out playing on the lawnmower or whatever, that's for sure!). It's fine, that's my role now. I can accept that, but I guess a part of me misses that and now it causes me to be borderline angry all the time. I don't know, I'm just grasping at straws. I should be happier, shouldn't I? I should be less easily aggrivated, shouldn't I?
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