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dannahm
99 M Embraced 1
PathStep 6 Compassion hearts4 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes0 Current upvotes0 Age GroupAdult Last activeDecember, 2023 Member sinceDecember 22, 2023
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New symptom?
OCD & Related Behaviors / by dannahm
Last post
 December 30th, 2023
...See more So I was diagnosed with OCD almost 4 years ago, but I've really had it my whole life. My symptoms have always been feeling uneven and/or dirty, and my intrusive thoughts have always been related to my religion. However, I've gone through a lot of change in the past year and I'm about to go through a lot more and I think my psyche is changing and it scares me. Long story short I was in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship from Summer 2022 to spring 2023. After the break up I lost my friend group because they took my abusers side. I now find myself wanting revenge in a weird way? I'm having these somewhat intrusive daydreams of hurting my ex. Not just a slap but I want to see him bleed. I want him on his knees begging for me to treat him right just like I was. And the thing is, I'm over him and the relationship like I have a great life now. But I want him to see my success and cry. I want to be in a position of power over him. I want to put him through as much mental and physical pain as he did me, maybe more. And then I want to tell him I'm sorry and nurse him back to health and do it all over again. I've never been this kind of person. I've always been someone who wants the best for others no matter what. Someone who gives infinite chances. And now I find my mind fantasizing about torturing this boy. And I'm scaring myself. And I'm afraid to open up to anyone because what if something really is wrong with me? What if this messes up my senior year and I have to go to a psych ward? What if I loose scholarships? What if my religious college doesn't want me anymore?
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