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darknightangel
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PathStep 4 Compassion hearts24 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes1 Current upvotes1 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2019 Member sinceJanuary 6, 2016
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Stuck
Trauma Support / by darknightangel
Last post
 February 14th, 2016
...See more I don't know how else to describe this. I feel stuck. I have major issues with chronic pain and many other health ailments, my life started out witnessing sexual abuse towards my mother and a whole mess of just "stuff" as I grew up. I didn't live the worst life but it sure wasn't an easy one. Now after I've quit taking pills recreationally and self harming as escapes, I've started developing a panic deeper than the normal anxiety. I freeze up and can't function anymore, often during sex with my long time boyfriend, best friend, and only sexual partner. I feel as though none of the things I remember could be the cause of what's happening now and each time it happens my brain feels blocked. I will be fine one moment and then in shock, frozen, with my mind unable to think or move in any direction, I can't breathe, I feel engulfed in an unexplainable fear unlike any I've ever felt even while reminding myself that I'm with someone I love and trust. It's like a switch that suddenly breaks me and it's been getting increasingly worse. I've grown more and more paranoid and uneasy, especially with the idea of men potentially sabotaging or taking advantage of situations. I feel on edge and as though vulnerability and helplessness are always around the corner and I have to be on guard and ready for the worst. I don't understand. None of this is like the silly anxiety I had before of random panic attacks, fast breathing, nausea, and knowing that there isn't a monster hiding under my car or a killer following behind us on the dark roads at night. I was completely aware and rational during those panic attacks. I could think and rationalize despite the panic. Those have become few and far between since I moved from my parents house and got clean. But the shear terrified episodes that leave me broken and completely stuck are so awful and I don't know what to do. I don't want to go to therapy again. As a child the therapists taught me to repress and move on. Now I'm supposed to be able to trust a therapist to coax whatever memories may be hiding under the surface? This has all gotten so complicated and it's taking over my life. I want to gain control over my own thoughts and memories before seeking help from an outside sourse. I don't know what to do.
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