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decisiveBike3155
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PathStep 1 Compassion hearts20 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes2 Current upvotes2 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2023 Member sinceJuly 16, 2018
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At a crossroads
Relationship Stress / by decisiveBike3155
Last post
 April 7th, 2022
...See more Two days ago I was helping my husband with his computer because it was slow. I came across some adult photos and while I didn't like it, no big deal. He said he was getting rid of them so I went ahead and deleted them. Then I saw a video with a thumbnail of our closed shower curtain. I didn't think much of clicking on it because he believes in ghosts so he has shown me videos of odd things around the apartment. But then I wondered if maybe he took a video of me in the shower and I was going to get rid of it and tell him to never do that again. So I fast forward some and find it's not me, but my best friend when she visited! I confronted him about it immediately. Told him it was sickening, that he betrayed her privacy, that he was perverted. He said he thought he had gotten rid of it, that he took it over 4 years and afterward he felt absolutely disgusted with himself and realized he was a rotten person and needed to change. I asked him if he did anything WITH the video and he said no. He really thought he had deleted it 4 years ago but it must have been saved in multiple places from moving files around. I told him I didn't feel like I could trust anything he said anymore because I didn't know I had married someone so deceitful. He said for the first two years of our marriage he was rotten: he'd look at porn all the time, checked out my sister, my friend, and women at his school, plus took spent gift cards from our wedding behind my back, and kept a secret bank account his mom opened for him. He said it was because he had always been bad in relationships and single for so long that he didn't know how to be married and that it took stopping so low to make him change his ways. I told him I thought even though we had rough patches with fighting, I didn't think he would ever be so perverted. He said he didn't think so either and that was his breaking point. He's told me he's spoken to his therapist and in group about what he did. I kicked him out into our second bedroom and basically stays in there for the most part when I am home. He says he wants to make this right but I don't know how he can make it right at all. I feel like I let a predator loose in my circle. I told him today that I feel like there will be no consequences for him because if I tell my friend, the fallout will be more on her and me even though she is the victim and I had no idea. The knowledge her privacy was violated by someone she knew will destroy her and our friendship. She's already going through a lot of heavy stressors right now and that would only add to it. But I also don't know if I will ever be able to trust him again. I already don't want anyone to come visit anymore. Not a grudge holder so even the last two days have been emotionally draining and I have to compartmentalize just to function at work. He said he is going to prove to me he has changed by putting in the work with his therapy and staying up on everything around our place. I don't know if that is going to be enough though. And I don't know when I will know if it is or isn't enough. I don't feel like there is anyone I can talk to about this in my circle because I don't want anyone to judge me if I choose to stay with him.
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