determinedGlobe726 Member Profile

...See more My boyfriend and I have been dating for about two and a half years. We've done long distance for a year during the course of our relationship, and we've stayed strong through different kinds of difficulties. However, ever since my boyfriend was close to finishing his masters degree, he has been growing very distant from me. At first it started with him not wanting to do anything about his uncertain future and the fact that he needed to actively start looking for a job, and take more responsibility in his life. He soon went into what he called a "taking a break," where he just took time off from things and didn't do much but laze around. He also talked about how he thought he was going through a mild form of depression, and that he felt uneasy and nervous about having to find a job, when in truth he didnt really want to look for a job at all. I knew this dichotomy wasn't something I could solve for him, so I decided to give him the time to just unwind and relax a bit. This all started in December, and I had no clue that this period of his "space" and my "waiting" was going to extend as long as it did. We did see each other from time to time, but that soon became something like once every month, and I was always the one initiating it. I began to feel anxious, and really just afraid of having to act cool when I felt like I was begging for his love. I never knew when was the right time to call him, or text him, because I was afraid of invading his space. I finally spoke up, and told him that I needed to stop protecting him so much, and he needed to stop pushing me away, because all we have is just a long, big silence that will eventually harm our relationship. He admitted he had been too selfish, but he didnt quite know where to place me in the midst of the many issues that he was struggling with. He wasnt sleeping well, he didnt mind eating the same food, and saw no point in life. I asked him, do you love me? and he replied, I dont know. What do you do when your lover tells you that he doesnt know whether he loves you or not? Because I dont know. I have no clue. Was this the same person who would whisper endlessly into my ear until I fell asleep, who looked into my eyes as if he saw the world in them, who promised that he would love me forever, and we would spend our whole life together? He asked, Would it be even more selfish of me to ask you to hold on? After a long pause I managed to say, No baby, Ive held onto you this long, I can hold on longer. And this is what I want to do, I want to love you for a lot longer than I have so far, and you cant just say no to that. You need to fight for me too, you cant just let go. But what if it doesnt come back? I dont want to hurt you. He began to cry. Well, thats for me to deal with, right? Ill think about it then. But for now, we have to try. Weve decided to give this a try, and to communicate better, to not leave each other in the clouds. Its been three days since, and he still hasnt called me yet. I did call him, but he seems to end the conversation hurriedly. This makes it hard for me to keep calling him, because I fear he might completely shut down. I dont want to leave him. As a person who has suffered from a severe case of depression, and a history of being hospitalized, I am well aware of how depression can manipulate a persons thoughts. I think it has gotten to the point where he doesnt want to seek help, or make active choices to empower his life. From what I understand, he has no ability to love himself, let alone another person. This hurts, more than I can fathom, but Im hoping that he will acknowledge his pain and be able to hold my hand. We live in a country where depression is often looked down upon, and where there are high expectations on males to commit to the ideals of masculinity. I believe my boyfriend is unable to let himself mourn, and accept that he is not as competent as he would like himself to be. He says he feels useless, and has lost any sense of purpose. What are your thoughts on this? How can I best help him, without making him feel like Im trying to fix him?

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