dynamicSugar2753 Member Profile

...See more Rant incoming! Loniness has been a reoccurring theme in my life. Although I identify with certain communities I've never feel apart of a community, especially not now. I have friends and family and a partner but I don't trust any of them with what's on my heart because I really don't feel close enough to any of them. I don't feel like anyone gets me. I have surface level conversations with all of the closest people in my life which is straining... I feel like im always presenting my front stage self. When I do open up its usually to my partner and I regret it every time. He really does not know how to empathize or comfort or be compassionate and it actually scares me because I need emotional support, especially because my anxiety can get pretty bad plus my other comorbidity and I get into some really deep dark thought cycles and sell myself stories that I know are not true yet they feel like they're the only reality. My main issue with opening up to someone who makes me feel worse is it makes me close up even tighter which means all of my thoughts just eat me alive. Honestly I'm also angry with my partner because we recently went on a trip and he was really nasty with me and he's been like this before and we've trouble shot but his behaviors haven't improved. Mainly because I don't think he knows how and he doesn't educate himself to know how. Another thing is I feel like he doesn't respect me and also doesn't listen to 25% of the things I say which is invigorating. He also often insinuates that I'm immature and that I act like a child. Now I'm not sure if this is because of our age difference or because I could really improve on my maturity. I haven't gotten that complaint in any other relationship (friendships and familial) so I biasly lean toward the former. In summary, I haven't gotten over our argument and now my mind is selling me stories about him cheating on me. Also because he's admitted before to not being sexually fulfilled and I don't know how he handles that considering I am his longest (and really first official) relationship and he is in his early 30's. I have really turned everywhere (non professional friends and family) and have no one I trust to talk to. Of course I could seek professional help and have been in therapy for 4 years. Right now, however I'm in a time in my life where I'm working full time and going to school and doing twice weekly physical therapy AND couples therapy. So although I know I need and would LOVE individual therapy, I realistically won't have the opportunity for at least 3 months when school ends. Couples therapy with my partner hasn't helped much and we're thinking about getting a new therapist. When I wrote the title I teared up a little, mainly feeling sad about what that meant. This isn't the first time I've wrote into chatgpt seeking comfort which means I have no trusted fellow humans in my life despite being surrounded by a lot of people. Its a kind of loneliness you feel at a party for 3 hours where everyone knows one another and you know no one and everyone is pretty cold toward you or pretends your not there. Thats what I feel and I need another breathing person to tell. I really turned to this forum seeking community to fill that feeling by way of releasing what's on my heart. Funny enough I dont trust the people in my life with this information but I'm now sharing this with complete strangers. I guess its not the content I'm afraid of sharing its the judgment and the difference in how I'm treated that will follow and not feeling comforted.

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