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emotionalLime7158
370 M Embraced 3
PathStep 16 Compassion hearts25 Forum posts22 Forum upvotes40 Current upvotes40 Age GroupAdult Last activeAugust, 2022 Member sinceOctober 20, 2021
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Addicted to being triggered?
Trauma Support / by emotionalLime7158
Last post
 August 23rd, 2022
...See more Lately I haven't been in therapy so I haven't talked about my SA in a very long time. It's on my mind more often as a result I believe. Sometimes I go online and read other people's stories and its extremely triggering. It brings me back and reminds me of all the details I wish I didn't remember. But then I scroll and read another. Next thing I know I've read a whole bunch and have to force myself to stop reading. Does anyone else get like this? Or understand what that may be about? I wanna help myself the best way I can until I find a new therapist.
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Coping and self care
Relationship Stress / by emotionalLime7158
Last post
 December 19th, 2021
...See more TW: Sexual violence Today was the 2nd day this week I was nearly attached while out walking with friends. About 2hrs ago a man that I was unsure of at first proven to certainly be a shady character. He walked back and forth super close to my friend and I and we were confused but I figured he was probably doing his own thing. He lunged at me and my friend shoved me out of the way thankfully. It triggered feels and memories from a past SA. Now I have a headache and feel so fatigued and physically drained yet I still have an essay so idk how I'm gonna come back to earth. My mind feels so spacey and unfocused and omw back I was so hyper vigilant and paranoid when almost any guy was standing or walking uncomfortably close to me. We laughed it off but once we went our separate ways I realized how terrifying that was and how much I feared for my safety. Tryna figure out how to settle down, address my feelings , and cope..
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I need a hug
Trauma Support / by emotionalLime7158
Last post
 December 14th, 2021
...See more I'm so drained. Burnt-out. I've only told one person since it happened a few months ago and I want to tell someone and get hugged and told it's not my fault. But there's no one around to hug me. Idk who to speak to so I tell everyone I'm good. After therapy told and everytime I'm super exhausted even though we haven't talked about SA yet. Spent the rest of the day in bed and got nothing done. N8
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Apologizing after victim blaming
Trauma Support / by emotionalLime7158
Last post
 December 11th, 2021
...See more It's not an excuse but here's a brief explanation/backstory. My household growing up was a very "If u wear that it's your fault" type of place. Although I disagreed i didn't realize how much of that I was internalizing as time went on... TW: mention of SA A few years ago one of my close guy friends was SA'd at our summer camp. This isn't my story to tell so I won't get into details or anything. He confided in me about it afterwards, I think I was the first person he told. While he told me he was laughing and seemed anxious. I was confused and thought he wasn't taking it seriously. I remember being so infuriated with the girl who did it to him and the fact that it happened to him period. Ignorantly, I took it upon myself to decide how to handle what happened to him despite his hesitations. I reported it but the camp authority failed to do anything about it. I was so impulsive about the whole thing, didn't even think before what I said and did. But I didn't think it mattered since I was doing "the right thing". I won't even repeat the things I said to him because it was just so awful. So much really intense victim blaming. Subconsciously i was attempting to manipulate him into taking action since it was clear at that point I couldn't do anything about it on my own. I didn't stop berating him about it until at he ended up saying that he didn't want me to bring it up anymore and that he didn't want to talk about. He was clearly not joking when he said it. I don't think I'd ever heard that particular tone in his voice, it was serious and I could tell he was in pain. We never spoke about after that. Fast forward, we stayed friends but drifted apart after while. I stopped thinking about it all together pretty much. Went to to college and took a class about childhood trauma. One day the professor asked if we had friends or family that had ever told us about their SA and my brain instantly made the connections...the more I learn the more I understand how fucked up that was. As far as I know, no one in his life supported him in the way he wanted/needed. He deserved and deserves so much better and I know I let him down and that there's no undoing it. I want to hold myself accountable and apologize but I'm worried cuz I don't wanna trigger him. Idk how he's been handling his trauma or if he's spoken about it in a while so I don't know how to approach the subject. I just wanna tell him that I know now. I get it. [I definitely wouldn't mention it but ive been SA'd a few times since then so i really get it] I can't undo my mistakes but I can own up to them. I don't expect him to forgive me or not, but he deserves to hear it if he's willing to/wants to. Any words of advice?
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20 and I've never been in a relationship
Relationship Stress / by emotionalLime7158
Last post
 December 4th, 2021
...See more Sometimes I struggle with being able to tell if I'm actually ready to give dating a proper go. I've never been on a date. My first experience of the sort was a very toxic and traumatic situationship. I'm in a counseling and I'm learning to unpack it all but I have some self doubt. It causes me to worry that when the time comes I won't be able to recognize whatever gut feeling tells you "you're ready". I also worry because I have zero ideas what dating and relationships actually entail. I don't like having to meet expectations that I'm not comfortable with but don't all relationships romantic or otherwise have some sort of expectations? Idk :/
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Rough
Trauma Support / by emotionalLime7158
Last post
 December 5th, 2021
...See more I've been having a hard time focusing which isn't great timing with finals going. I get very paranoid I'll see my assailant. Often I feel disgusting and ashamed. Yea I know it's not my fault but at the same time I feel like it is.
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Coping with SA
Trauma Support / by emotionalLime7158
Last post
 November 12th, 2021
...See more The guy who SA'd me goes to the same school I do. Whenever I leave my dorm I'm quiet paranoid about seeing him. I get super anxious when I see anyone who even remotely reminds me of him and when I'm near places I know he goes. I've started to get paranoid around all guys of his race when they're strangers. I continued to be his friend for months and didn't remove him on my socials until last month. How can I stop feeling so scared to run into him? How can I stop seeing him in the faces of total strangers? I actually already ran into him in September so it feels super possible for it to happened again.( i got anxious but It wasn't too bad because I hadn't accepted the truth of what happened and who he really was yet) ( I should probably mention this to my therapist, I've just started last week. )
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Started Counseling :)
Trauma Support / by emotionalLime7158
Last post
 November 8th, 2021
...See more I had my 1st counseling session on Thursday and I'm very happy with how it went. We spent time getting comfortable and just talking about life stuff. She didn't force or pressure me to talk about my trauma, we didn't really get to it in that session but I'm glad I didn't feel rushed. Idk where I'd even begin with that tbh . The beginning of last week was rough due to lots of schoolwork but now it's less heavy I can get a handle on things. Noot noot!
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