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emotionalShade55
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PathStep 2 Compassion hearts7 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes1 Current upvotes1 Age GroupAdult Last activeAugust, 2021 Member sinceJuly 26, 2021
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Why do I keep justifying his actions in my head?
Trauma Support / by emotionalShade55
Last post
 August 15th, 2021
...See more I'm 27 years old. Female married to a man I've known my whole life. We grew up together and dated off and on until 2 years ago. We got together and married a year later. He was a truck driver and I used to travel with him. Then I became a truck driver and it all went down hill from there. He had a reputation for being very promiscuous before we got together. Although when I was on the road with him, I would have to beg for intimacy. Until one day we finally were being intimate and he took it to far. It started hurting really bad and I was crying out in pain saying to stop. He didn't. Almost like he didn't hear me. But I clearly remember crying out in pain and saying to stop. Afterwards he wanted to cuddle and a kiss. I was still crying and climbed up onto the top bunk in the 18 wheeler. He acted like I wasn't crying or anything was wrong. And then got angry with me when I refused to cuddle and give him a kiss. I have never felt such vulnerability in my life. I've confronted him about it several times since and each time, he claims he can't remember it ever happening. I know it happened. It plays over in my head almost everyday when he lays next to me at night or does something to trigger me. I cant help but try to justify his actions in my head. Even though I know it was wrong. Flash forward to about a month ago, it happened again. Except this time I was very drunk and had taken a new medication my Dr prescribed me for depression and I blacked out. I've never blacked out in my life. But I woke up the next morning with no clothes on when I clearly remember laying in bed with clothes on before blacking out. I can remember a few very brief moments but for the most part nothing. My husband admitted to being intimate with me that night. I dont know whats worse. Remembering every detail or not having a clue of what happened to you. But my head still wants to justify his actions. Even though I feel absolutely destroyed. The triggers are getting worse. And I wanna leave him most of the time but I have moments of fear and moments of maybe I'm overreacting. I dont know what to do. And to top it all off, he has a daughter who I love very much and act as a mother too even though I'm only her step mom. Any wisdom?
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