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endpaper
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PathStep 5 Compassion hearts17 Forum posts8 Forum upvotes7 Current upvotes7 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2025 Member sinceJanuary 24, 2022
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Advice please :)
Relationship Stress / by endpaper
Last post
 August 3rd, 2022
...See more Hello, this is my first post, so ya know, bear with me. I have been dating a girl for two months (we met on an app). We slept together on our first date and soon began hanging out every day. She told me her longest relationship was four years and she eventually broke it off becasue he wouldnt touch or have sex with her. I resolved that that would never be a problem with us. Soon, we were talking about moving in and future plans (she told me she loved me three weeks in). When we had an issue, we could sit down and talk it through which I very much appreciated but every now and again, she would have a strange reaction to something such as when we discussed money stuff (such as me being in a situation where I bought pizza for her friends instead of her) she would break down into tears and explain that her past exs had been rough on money. She cried a lot sometimes and would spiral into self laceration and hatred talk. I knew she'd struggled with depression. I soon learned that her father had been really abusive up into her twenties (she's early thirties now). She's done a lot of therapy and also does ketamine treatments. Okay so there's more here but fast forward to a week ago. We were discussing COVID and my sister gets pretty panicky about it which isnt my favorite. I explained that dealing with the unknown doesnt have to be based in fear. She defended my sister and I later learned it was because she had been panicked during COVID (this is one of the re-occurring problems. Her taking things personally). It bothered me especially because we had had at least three talks about her taking other people's sides (this is called devil's advocate and is a sign of low empathy). So we had sex and after I asked her if she thought I was smart. She reacted as if slapped and I explained it seemed that she didnt seem to trust my judgement very much. This soon spiraled into a fight (which left me feeling really surprised that this would cause a fight) she explained she's very vulnerable after sex and felt attacked by my question. As the fight went on, I had to navigate a few times her taking things I said very negatively and then acting as if they were true. I'd make a benign statement such as: "we need to work on this together" and she'd tell me she'd heard "you dont do shit." I'm assuming this is a trauma response due to her father but upsetting none the less. I began to feel like she was controlling my meaning making. She left and texted me when she got home she was so upset she almost threw up in her car. For me this is a clear sign of a trauma response. She was massively dysregulated. The next three days, when she would communicate (which wasn't much, a massive decrease from normal) she was defensive and soon told me there were compatibility issues here. I charted it out and went from being "the best boyfriend ever" to not worth of a text in less than a week. She sometimes acknowledges the role her trauma is playing here and other times lays it at my feet. I asked her if she thought she was splitting and she was dismissive. ( i have confirmed with several counselors that this is textbook splitting). In addition to the defensiveness, there is clear insecurity (she needs nearly constant reassurance), a fair amount of blame shifting (either she spirals into her being a piece of shit or lays it at my feet), some stonewalling and control. On one hand, I understand trauma and trauma responses (I myself have C-PTSD) and am willing to work with her on that. On the other hand, I'm really aghast and hurt by how she has handled the fight and feel like she's almost a different person (again trauma can do this) and am worried about the presence of some personality disorder stuff (such as vulnerable narcissism or BPD). One path takes me to empathy and compassion and the other takes me to breaking it off. I've been the victim of narcissistic abuse before and wont do it again. Any advice or insight helpful. Thanks :D
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