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Hi, first apologies if this message is long or in the wrong category.
I been struggling this past two years with inner feelings, physical and mental, feeling fed up of life the way it is now.
First off, I live on a family run hill farm, in the UK, I have to say, I was never a natural farmer, I do it because I thought, that's what I'm meant to do., that's what my parents want me to do. It's not a profitable job, some parts are ok, but most part of it, I just feel bored, or fed up, same cycle every year, the thought of doing this till I can't hardly move scares me. And you only live once right?
It's nearly lambing season next month, some will live some will die, no matter what you do, it's just natural life on a farm, you see l8fe and reminded of death,, then shearing, which I find tiring, then summer going round sheep cutting out maggots on some that become dirty and other non profitable and quite boring work.
But it's not all about the money, we do get grants for wildlife related conservation, it's more of just feeling like I'm losing a lot of oppurtinities in life and wasting my time on this planet. I'm seeing time just rush past so quickly, it's scares me that I'll be 30 soon!
I don't know what I'd like to do, and whether there are other options. I haven't got much qualifications, It's just hard to know.
I think I'm prittey much incompetent at times, I lack social skills since school and college, I just never knew how to, I just found it hard to fit in, college gave me a bad image of life and society I made myself a target of bullying and humiliation, always doing something wrong and tested for being an idiot, so I distance myself from my former classmates. I know it's the past now, but sometimes I do get the habit of replaying past events in my mind, and I just get a feeling of distrust in other people. I sometimes find it hard to know if a certain person is just making fun of me orvtaking advantage of for real, but not as bad as I used to be.
Now 29y/o most people have grown up, for me I find it hard to.
I always wanted to travel, go backpacking, volunteer abroad or work abroad like working holiday kind of thing, maybe NZ or Canada or mainland Europe. Experience new things, enjoy life and get out of my comfort zone. I even taught myself Spanish and German for a few years thinking I could go, but never managed to go to any of those countries, just never had tge confidence. Had plenty of chances, like when my brother was at home, also fears like what if something bad happens, i.e to them back home.
My mom didn't trust me to go on my own and always thinks it's better soneone like my cousin goes with me.
I feel that something bad always happend if I be too happy.
I've been abroad but only with my mom to visit relatives.
Maybe this is a bit too late and unrealistic now?
If I leave the farm, they'll be dissapointed. Other people will have to change because of me, the tenants renting one of our house will probably have to move, my dad will go depressed again because of who's goiing to look after the farm. A greedy neighbour and a large organisation who my dad and grandma were trying to stop taking a peace of our land in court all those years ago will probably try and buy the place if it were for sale. What happens to the dogs etc. So it's complicating
I'm always reminded by my mom that their getting old, that I should be lucky that I don't have to go out and find a job, because some can't.
A friend of my dad once said to him that it's about time my dad in his 70s now retire and I take more responsibility on the farm.
I don't know if I'll like to, I've got so used to being at home in my comfort zone that it's hard to get out. Everything's quite complicating.
Following several physical feelings that ended me in a&e and the gp, I had the chance to tell the doctor about what I've just wrote, he reffered me to a therapist who gave me online CBT for Social anxiety, generalised anxiety health anxiety and mild depression.
It helps a little but only temporarily, I would feel great, confident and wanting to try, but the next day I'm back down again.
I was embarassed seeing a therapist, my dad thought I was pathetic, they don't understand social anxiety, sometimes he'd complain to my mom that I'm embarassing when people talk to me and I say little or give a grin, which I can't help. I easily get mind blank or my voice goes low. So I wasn't honest during the assessment thing the therapist gave, after completing the CBT.
I don't think they'd understand why I don't like farming, or just fed up of this life I'm living right now.
And then there's the physical feelings, sinus problems, head pressure, GERD then numbness in my legs, going in an out of doctors, not everyday but every 2 to 4 months, they couldn't find much wrong with me, they gave some medication now and then.
There just always seems to be something wrong. It's hard to know sometimes whether the feelings I get are anxiety related or real, and I feel ashamed going to the GP clinic, showing my face there all the time, the feelings would stick on me for a very long time.
Right now those symptoms have gone, especially the pins and needles in my leg. Now I'm waiting for a mild pain and discomfort in my back and lower left side which I had for 6 months now to go away, so I can do things I want to do without fearing it might get worse, sometimes it does go, and it's mild.. but as soon as I think it's gone, it's back.
I still get spacey sometimes too, like I been smacked across the head without the pain, or the volume goes down, had steroids for my sinuses 6 months ago, didn't do much.
So yea, I just feel stuck, fed up of my life, feel that I'm living life to others expectations, feel shy to change, fed up of the physical feelings I keep getting. And just feel like I don't know what to do anymore, where to start etc.
