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exuberantRaspberries1709
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PathStep 1 Compassion hearts15 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes0 Current upvotes0 Age GroupAdult Last activeApril, 2025 Member sinceApril 6, 2025
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I'm no more myself
Trauma Support / by exuberantRaspberries1709
Last post
 April 15th, 2025
...See more Love is a strange and complex emotion, difficult to explain and even harder to comprehend. For a long time, I accepted the meaninglessness and misery of life, and I was content with that. Then, seven years ago, I met her. I fell in love with her inexplicably; I just knew that I loved her. Six years ago, our relationship began, and we were deeply in love. I believed that separation was impossible, and I started to build my life around her. She became the centre of my universe, the only person I wanted to spend my life with. I loved her with a devotion that felt like worship. She was my priority, and I did everything I could to make her happy. My entire existence revolved around her, and she knew it well. But then, everything changed. Two years ago, when she started university, she transformed into someone I barely recognized. She began to treat me rudely and harshly, and it crushed me. I couldn't understand why this was happening. She never left me, but she became distant, and I was left in a state of confusion. When she wouldn’t reply to my messages or answer my calls, I was always the one to apologize, even when I had done nothing wrong. I waited for days for just a single reply, convincing myself that she was busy with her studies. But as time went on, I was plagued by darker thoughts—thoughts that she didn’t have even ten minutes for me. Her behaviour grew increasingly cruel, and it felt as if she had never loved me at all. My anxiety and depression spiralled out of control. Each time she treated me poorly, I experienced panic attacks that left me gasping for breath. I felt utterly lost, unable to comprehend why this was happening. She never explicitly said she wanted to leave me, but her actions spoke volumes. I spent countless nights weeping, consumed by despair, wondering if she truly loved me. Her presence had once been my solace, but now it felt like a distant memory. For a year and a half, I endured this torment. Then I discovered that she was involved with other guys, one of whom was blackmailing her. She came to me for help, and despite the betrayal, I stood by her side. I sacrificed my well-being, staying up all night to ensure she felt supported, even while I was struggling with my university exams. I mustered the courage to confront her about the lies and betrayal. Instead of understanding, she lashed out at me, accusing me of being insensitive for asking about her struggles. That day, my heart shattered into a million pieces, and I felt as if I had lost touch with reality. I began to live in a haze, drifting through life as if I were in a dream. I couldn’t feel anything—not even myself. It was as if I had mentally died. My physical health deteriorated; I started to vomit blood and experienced constant stomach pain. I became terrified of being awake, retreating into sleep as a refuge from the unbearable pain. When I did wake, panic attacks consumed me. Despite everything, I remained available for her, but she continued to use me whenever she needed something. Now, I find myself consumed by thoughts of dying, not solely because she is no longer with me, but because the suffering and pain I endure are unbearable. I feel an emptiness inside, a gaping hole that seems impossible to fill. The loneliness is suffocating, and I am left to grapple with the question of why she did this to me. I want to give up, overwhelmed by the weight of my despair, longing for relief from this relentles s anguish.
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