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Hi
I am hoping to get some honest opinions/support/thoughts please as I feel so alone. I do not wish to trash my husband or any thing like that. I will tey and explain in a condesnsed version about whats going on for me and would really appreciate thoughts as I don't have anyone to give me one really. My one distant friend has told me what she thinks but that's all I have to really go on right now and I feel like i'm falling apart :(
The last 2 years in my relationship (together for 12 years, married for just over 2) have been hard, I felt totally let down and unheard/taken advantage of. I run a small business, we started working together, he was not pulling his weight and I was running rpund picking up the pieces. This was after losing my mom to cancer (not my biological mom but the lady who was my world for my life and bought me up - both my mom and dad fall in to the narcissistic category and I am no contact with both) , for which he wasn't completely present - in words but not really actions, after she passed I saved 18,000 pound to move to cornwall which was our dream, i worked my ass off and he continued to let me down. The dynamics of our relationship changed as I was now the sole income. I tried to resolve this, ask him if he wanted a part time job for his own interest, to do a course, learn something - I would pay etc but he chose nothing and things continued
I already went to personal therapy as have mental health issues, narcissisitc parents and issues but he also started going to see one which I pay for which on one level has been very beneficial but very hard for himx but this also kind of made things worse not better as he started talking about things from.the past that I tried to support him on.
All conversations became him talking and me listening, i pulled him up about smirking at me when we were talking (generally I find when I am overwhelmed - I also have bipolar and he denies this is because I am overwhelmed although I have categorically noticed that this is when he does it 99% of times which I find triggering and have told him so) and even though I stataed I was deeply unhappy, all the things I said Inwanted to change he didn't although I tried finishing work earlier, planning nice things for us to do, making movie time etc etc, ny basic requests such as could you give me 2 seconds (literally) before you start snoring the second we are in bed, could you put your phone down if we are talking etc....No real effort.
After a week of complete honesty before my birthday last month and feeling like things may get better (to the point I cried because I really felt there may he hope) , on my birthday at 3am ...as someone with known sexual trauma issues, that takes sedative medication at night and before we came in after a night out saying i wanted no sexual activity (was not feeling well) he started touching me while I was asleep....To carry on even though I wasn't fully awake (he says becuse I opened my legs and made all the right noises i was but I was not fully awake until climaxing, even though I never wanted to engage as had been asleep for 3 hours) He had done this twice before, 1st time he was asleep, 2nd time he was awake (me asleep) and I told him if he ever did it again i'd leave him.as it was a serious no go for me, then he did this....
He first denied have any recollection of any of my past issues (these are huge issues, known from the start 12 years we have been together) , medication that I take (for 10 years - it's well known it physically makes me ill if i get woken up 3-4 hours after taking it) , the fact if what i'd said the last time or the fact that i'd said no that evening before we came in the house.
A week later of feeling like it was my problem and literally interrogating him, he admitted hed remembered what id said the last time, what id said that evening but not about any of my past trauma ir medication even though he was 100% awake and he admitted he knew I was 100% asleep at the start but because I "opened my legs" and "made the right noises" he thought it was ok, that I'd like it and that it was totallu for me not for him and he never wanted me to do anything in return......
since this we have not slept in the same bed, I cant forget even if inwant to forgive, there have been things since such as me trying to tell him I think Im drinking too much and the night after he seemingly makes a point of drinking half a bottle of rum which is more than he usually does, also having a convo about people we have lost and me saying I felt bad for all the times i'd been moody and saying well I guess when you are really close to people that means the niggling too, he very quickly took hold of this to use for our situation of "only the true people in your life look and move forwards rather than back with you" ........I understand this all sounds manipulative and thats how it has felt at times but I also know deep down he is not a bad guy, I wouldn't have been with him for 12 years but he needs to work on himself, as do I and im not sure we can do that together anymore :(
Since then I went away for a week at an air bnb to get some space and probably as so tired and out of sorts I manged to fall off a step after 4 hours of being there and broke my foot which I have now in a boot and crutch for at least another 5 weeks until they find out what they need to do with scans...He has now been so overly attentive I feel I can't breathe, he says he sees how he has been but I feel like my soul has been sucked through my feet. I'm drinking too much, I have lost all my passion ans creativity which is the household income and have so much pressue in bills including an extra £_600 for the next 10 months because he "misread" an email from the accountant regarding taxes which was his job to deal with that I now have a payment plan for so can't afford to seperate is from the same living space...
I would also like to say that he is fundamentally not a bad person, we have had many happy years but I do feel as Ive looked back recently that he likes to "save" ie when i was more vulnerble, when I was more reliant in the padt wirh my mental health etc but we have had many happy years and was actually friends before we got together all those years ago. I have no family and no local friends as I recently moved the other side of the country a year and a half ago and so I'd just like to see wether it seems i'm making a mountain out of a mole hill due to my past issues as I feel very lost.
Apologies for the long post and I hope anyone that reads this had a lovely Christmas ♡
