faithfulSpruce6316 Member Profile

...See more Hello everyone i just want to seek help cause i'm nearly going to lose my mind if i don't someone about what's going on in my mind sorry english isn't my first language. So i'll give you what happen from the start cause i feel if you knew about what happen from the start to now you may help me So everything started from 7th grade i was top of my class during elementary school and i succeded a test where i enteree a pioneer school for smart kids and i I suffered from severe bullying from "my bff" and her other friend who i did have some problems back in primary school about my weight not to mention the academic glow down i had cause i wasn't familiar with the type of exams and ztudy there so that affect the teacher's behaviour with me which affected my mental helth and caused me anxiety and i start developing depression but i wasn't aware of that i thought it's the rythm and stress After two years we were obliged to take the test again to extend Our high school stay and it's another chance for poeple who didn't succed in the previous exam That year was so important cause i needed to succed and also a lot of events as i wore hijab (i'm Muslim btw) and that was a big change for me and i've also lost my grandma unexpectily. She had cancer and had a surgery where the said she'll live at leas 6 months but she passed away the first week after that surgery and that was and still a shock to me and it was hard for me to live normally after that In that summer i had sever depression and social anxiety to the point i didn't quit my bed for days and i didn't this that it was actually depression i just thought it was normal after a tirying year until a friend noticed that and told me it's not normal and it even caused an eadting desorder (bing ed) but i recovered and start living normally that year Back forward to now, i had an ear problem and a doctor gave me an overdose of pills and i didn't thought it'll harm me but from the first day i hade sever anxious and i felt i was dy1ng for the past 6 days that i've took those pills and in the end it turned out to be a medical fault and not only that caused me stomach problem but also from the first day i took those pills to now i wasn't the same person i was I start living in fear of the day i say goodbye to the world and of everything loosing my friends bc of life or after high school or bc they just passed away and the same thing is for my family and those thoughts developed to serious anxious and panic attacks that start priving me from living a normal day and makes me struggle every minute and bc i've lost my grandma i discovered i didn't prosess her loss but i was running from it until it finds me All of these thoughts were ki11ing me and any mention of dea**€h like a post of someone who passed away or seeing someone covered with a white shrou€ i just start to freaking out and cry and have troubles breathing and feel my heart is going out of my chest . Because of those feelings for a long time i just start not feeling real. Idk how to express this but i feel i'm not real and every interaction i do and everything i said i'm not responsible for it i'm just watching from afart whet's happening and i don't feel that the person i see in the merror is me or even real same to people around me i start not feeling emotional to them like they're some robots or smthng and i lost my appetise to eat i do eat but i don't feel that the food is delisious anymore and nostalgia got me every minute i'm full of it and it's ki11ing me every minute I start feeling that life doesn't have a meaning like i lost interest or you can say i lost the will to do everything i wanted why applying to college why wanting to be something big why all of that what's the purpose I do apply to programs i do take extra activities i do participate in workshops and take courses just bc i know my old self will be broken if she saw me giving up on her dreams But i really lost the will to continue and even developed sui€idal thoughts tbh i don't wanna d1e but i do not want to l1ve too Therapy isn't an option to me bc in my country it's very rare to find therapy and there are no good one they only gave you meds and that's it and it's not even good to you lebtally or physically (some of my relatives and a friend have therapy and they do not recommend it ) I really want a solution even permenant to this i want to be closer to allah and i want to feel i want to live and feel i am real and just get rid of depression and anxiety and those thoughts that were hubting me every second until now Please help me

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