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fearlessCranberry8651
315 M Embraced 2
PathStep 34 Compassion hearts16 Forum posts18 Forum upvotes13 Current upvotes13 Age GroupAdult Last activeMarch, 2021 Member sinceFebruary 16, 2021
Bio

Not so fearless. Might be a cranberry? I'm new here so probably I'm gonna make all the faux pas.

Recent forum posts
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Chronic Pain in the Butt
Disability Support / by fearlessCranberry8651
Last post
 June 29th, 2021
...See more But seriously...not just my butt (and legs...i refer to that one as the "Invisible Bike Shorts of Pain")." Myello. 42) rocking OA, degenerative disk disease and moderate spinal stenosis in what I personally believe to be the three least convenient locations on my spine. I also believe I have a contributing connective tissue disorder which (in spite of having a crazy number of signs that point to yes) is potentially undiagnosed because I can't get referred to a geneticist. I think it would be easier to Macarena through the gates of heaven uninvited. I'm a joker...maybe most often when I'm the most unhappy. It Seems I'm going through a tumultuous time with doctors...the good ones get fancy Admin jobs and I'm left scrambling for someone whip doesn't eye my tattoos and admittedly questionable fashion sense while deciding I'm drug seeking. And for the record, I am often seeking drugs...Drugs I resent having to take to live a moderately normal 42 year old life. Drugs I take to dampen my awareness of my pain looking enough to get through my workday or a night of sleep. I go about it properly, for all the good it does me. Pain management was, for a time, insisting on me coming in to piss in a cup monthly to get my narcotics. I assured them is still be in crippling pain in two months...maybe we could do it then? Because as much as I enjoy blind urinary target practice with a medical grade dixie cup (lady plumbing), I got a life to live. They also made a point to scold me like a child for my honesty about using cannabis to reduce my reliance on my opioid narcotic. I got answers like "I don't know why you would tell me that" and "Well, you WILL be counseled on that." B, it's not my first rodeo. I am a grown A woman! Premenopausal, even. I stopped going there for a while because the ONLY person on staff was the woman who shamed me for trying to use fewer opioids. My GP (now some high muckity muck medical officer) took over my pain contract. For a while it was like a beautiful dream where I hurt most of the time. When Iowa FINALLY got around to establishing a medical cannabis program, my gp even signed off on my med card. However our governor, "Covid" Kimbicile Reynolds, took great effort in making the whole process as difficult and confounded as possible. I.e. she either isn't a fan or someone is paying her stupid amounts of money to not be a fan. Politicians! But still, I get this card. In the end the medication is so low dose and so expensive that I buy and use a fraction of what I actually need. We're vaguely marooned here, and driving to make use of another dispensaries' product becomes a whole story problem when you figure out that our capital is a minimum of three hours from anywhere less ridiculous...so, add gas money for a horrible old Chevy that is aging about as gracefully as I am. Now my new gp says when renewal time comes, she won't sign off on my card. Pretty sure pain management won't either. So, I'll be spending the next year scrambling to find a doc who will. Now, doesn't it seem I've actually been forced into doctor hopping and "drug seeking"? Oh the irony. I think back over ten years when I first noticed my back had gone wrong. I had no insurance. Doctors said I had "lumbar strain." No I damn well did not. They we're happy enough to prescribe me Vicodin hand over fist. But I wanted help. I was walking with a cane, my right leg was atrophying. I couldn't stand, a sit or lay for extended periods of time. Still working on those powers of levitation, though. Finally I went to the poor folks clinic and laid on the floor. I told them they could either order imaging for my spine or they could have the police drag me out by my feet. They did the imaging and that's how I got my diagnoses. My mom ended up shelling out 6000 dollars of her money to get me the epidural that helped me walk again (for a while). I think she might have known that I'd started stockpiling pain meds that they were happily sprinkling on me at the doc. And I was considering suicide. Flash forward ten years or so, here I am...scrambling for the healthcare I need. But it's all just a temporary solution to worsening long-ter problem. Knee replacements in the next five to ten. I've got one PM guy saying I'm too young for spinal $urgery. The other PM doc has asked why I haven't had surgery yet. 😐 Sometimes I start to think I should shut up, nut up and walk it off. Sometimes I think back to a bag of pain pills in my sock drawer.
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Joyless?? What the actual...???
Depression Support / by fearlessCranberry8651
Last post
 March 1st, 2021
...See more Second week of Viibryd. I'm suppressed feeling much better. My racing thoughts and roiling emotions are more easily associated with a concrete cause and are I the correct proportion. For all the other difficulties I've faced, I'm seeing improvement. * But, clearly even in middle age I think asking for people's opinions is a good idea. I asked my husband for his. Can you each and every one remind me occasionally maybe I shouldn't give a shit. * According to him I'm better than I was. Great! Goal achieved. I'm not taking pills to turn me into Debbie Reynolds (rip, gangsta). The husband continues to hem and haw over the next bit. I swear he could haw the hind leg off a camel. Basically the idea was, "it's true you're not as suicidal, but you're still 'so joyless'." * And THANK YOU FOR THE HELP WITH THAT, husband. * I haven't even gone through the whole first two weeks. I'll probably not even at my correct dose yet. I think it's fscking fabulous that I'm not still sitting in parking lots with a knife, bashing my head into my car window repeatedly and playing will I or won't I. * What I learned this week is that apparently the only one opinion about my personal health that matters is MINE. I know the joy will come. And if I'm the only one who believes that, then do be it. I don't have a one woman show in Reno where I sing Tammy while coated in sequins. But in two more weeks who can say???? * I love my husband, but some weeks I want to move myself into some hillbilly lean-to in the woods for the silences. Alas it's February in the Midwest.
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Psych Med Tango
Depression Support / by fearlessCranberry8651
Last post
 February 20th, 2021
...See more The most crap of dances. I feel like the interaction I had with the psychiatrist who prescribed my new meds is a different, longer and tragically funny post. I have truly and sincerely come to despise psychiatrists. But whatever, so I was started on Viibryd...a medicine I suspect the pharmaceutical company is generously compensating this guy to promote (is it paranoia or is Maybeline?). Still and all, if it works, sure. I'm desperate. Of course I'm early on in the game...therefore am solidly located in Side-effectville. I've read feedback about Viibryd online...to torture myself maybe? The fact of the matter is that some people will think that it's the literal Devil and some will say it was sent by God to save them. I'm going to have to wait and see like everybody else. I was on Zoloft for six months that should have been the months tops. I just wanted it to be the answer SO MUCH that I wouldn't believe it want working. Plus it made me terribly ill. Frankly, I'd live on vegetable broth and brown rice porridge if the depression and anxiety were kept in check, but no dice. So far my appetite has been basically obliterated. Should be interesting to see how that effects the old eating disorder. I haven't slept right in years and I'm sure as sugar not sleeping now--but I seem less bothered by it. The nausea so far has been fleeting, but I do feel like I have a bookie to whom money is owed as ALL around my middle feels like it was skillfully beaten by thugs. And the constant headache can fsck right off. Restless legs and cramping is real but I dealt with that in some capacity before. Tonic water and bananas help. Also instead of peeing every twenty minutes it's every fifteen. Welcome to my forties, I guess. It's part of the game, I know. I'm foolishly optimistic out of desperation. I'm afraid from years of experience with pills for a chronically ill mind. Thanks for reading.
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