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fightlonliness
1 360 M Embraced 3
PathStep 17 Compassion hearts17 Forum posts4 Forum upvotes3 Current upvotes3 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2024 Member sinceFebruary 19, 2021
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Regulating while in a relationship
Trauma Support / by fightlonliness
Last post
 September 18th, 2024
...See more I will try to write here to fix another problem ( beside the story I am writing) I tend to extremely over share when I am anxious and that causes problems to me and shame and exhaust many of my good friendships because suddenly whatever bothers me big or small becomes the whole conversation. Two days ago, my partner was stuck helping his friends move and he was half hour late. I texted and texted and he didn’t see his phone. That half an hour turned into massive unnecessary stress ( I usually still panic if my plans change) when he arrived, I was completely angry. Normal conflict, he took his bag and wanted to leave the car to cool down. I still can’t internalize that he leaves for space and to get calmer. Him leaving meant losing him. ( I lost so many people in violent way, including family members) so the moment he left the car, I got triggered with self harm ideas. Went into, I lost him because I am just a full body of trauma and I don’t know how to handle conflicts … etc. three hours later, I was drunk, considering driving to his place, broke a glass considering self harm. I managed not to follow any of the urges ( besides getting drunk) when he arrived and saw me, he felt so angry and refused to assure me. He wanted to take me to any of my friends but I refused. So he slept over but on the couch. when I became calmer, I told him it is not his behaviour and that this fear of loss related to how many death I witnessed…etc. he listened but not quite sure he understood. in the morning he left to his work, three four hours later, he texted he is leaving the city to visit his family and he was heading to the airport. now I shift between: 1- I don’t believe he actually traveled. ( he never lied to me before). I think he is scared to break up with me or to tell me he needs distance. 2- he traveled because he needs to think if he still wants the relationship and I will receive a message any time now that he wants out. 3- I should break up with him. If he can’t handle the first time I go into acute trauma response maybe he is bad for me. for now, I am trying to avoid acting on any of my ideas. And avoid texting mutual friends about that, ( I used to do that and I hate it ) what is the realistic expectation of someone when you are triggered ( is it ok that he took that extreme distance the next day? ) I am safe now, exhausted but ok. just confused and obsessed
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