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finleyj
95 M Embraced 1
PathStep 2 Compassion hearts6 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes1 Current upvotes1 Age GroupAdult Last activeJune, 2018 Member sinceJune 9, 2018
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Where do I even begin?
Journals & Diaries / by finleyj
Last post
 June 25th, 2020
...See more I guess I'll start by saying that I had a rocky childhood fraught with a lot of expectation, yelling, and violence in my house. My friends families were concerned by the fact that they could hear yelling down the street. I assumed what I went through was normal. I was sexually assaulted multiple times by two separate teenagers when I was in highschool, and my parents response was to say later, "I didn't think it bothered you that much." The one and only time I was able to go to therapy, they insinuated that my depression was related to my dad's anger issues and that he needed therapy. My parents stopped taking me. Fast forward a number of years. After a bad unemployment stretch, my family moved in with my parents, and after two weeks, they decided that they didn't want us to live with them anymore and kicked us out. The experience was so traumatizing, that it left me with severe anxiety and possible PTSD. My depression continued to get worse until it devolved into self-harm. Fast forward to last month. My brother moved in with me because of fear of how he'd be treated by my parents. When we were talking he revealed some abuse that happened to him when he was a child. When I confronted my parents with it (more or less wanting to confirm what happened) their response was to confirm/justify their actions and to put me down. They basically said I was a bad mom, that I spent my life trying to create drama, that I was lazy. They basically said my chronic illnesses weren't real and that they would never speak to me or my children again. It's been over a month, and I guess they've kept to their word. They don't want anything to do with me. In the meantime, I've been going through a gender identity crisis and learning my sexuality and that's led me to today. I'm immensely depressed. I have a very small support system. I wonder what the point of life is if it's going to continue to result in me being physically and emotionally hurt and abandoned. I'm lost as to what gender I actually am. I don't know how to even figure it out. All I know is that its just one more way in which I could be victimized. In which my parents would never love or accept me, in which I'll be ostracized for by my in-laws. I want to be proud of who I am and learn to love me, but I don't even know who me is! I just don't know how to deal with all the pain I'm currently experiencing.
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