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Hi Everyone, I am writing this in hopes that someone might be able to give me some non-judgemental help, and something other than typical generic one or two word responses I could get at anywhere.
I'm a single man, almost 48, never had kids of my own, I've been struggling for many years, to tell the truth, nearly my whole life to be honest when it comes to dating or getting anything long term committment wise, when I was younger I could easily get a hook up or someone who just wanted to be a FWB, but never could get to the level of something exclussive, I didn't end up in my first serious relationship until age 40, was briefly engaged, but this went south during covid, she became mentally and physically abussive and had top break everything off.
About 6 months later I meet another woman on dating site, this one seemed beautiful, we connected on a mental level and seemed to be so compatible, but that also was short lived, after 4 months I learned I was just something for her to do while her man was in prison, the man she never told me about, since then I can't seem to get a date if my life depends on it, I gave up with online dating, I might get a message or 2 and then they vanish. I think in the past 5 years I've had 2 dates, none of which went anywhere. Someone in my church last week celebrated 45 years together and said they were high school sweethearts, it then dawned on me that I never had a relationship even in high school.
My whole life women are always cool talking to me, and only want to be friends, but as soon as I express any feelings or wanting more than a platonic friend, I'm quickly discarded. It's gotten to the point I'm terrified to even express feelings with a woman that I really like and have connected with because it always sabotages things when I do.
I don't really have any friends anymore, the few I had, have died, married off, moved away, or for whatever reason life related are gone. I have had on occasion some people I know try and hook me up with women, but each time it's usually with someone they wouldn't want to date themselves, and then I get made to feel guilty and even gaslit for not falling for the person they hooked me up with, I would get things like "Why NOT? What's wrong with her?", "You're too f**king picky, you deserver to be alone." type of crap.
A little over a year ago I meet a woman at work, we instantly clicked, we were into the same things, conversations were amazing, I really thought I finally met my person, but once AGAIN, short lived, she shifted to the "I just want to be friends" talk and she started to become more and more distant, then I knew she was going through a hard time and I texted her a nice message one morning, I get a response back saying she wants to put space and distance between us, I gave her some space thinking she'd reach back out but that was the last time I heard from her. This one hurts so bad because I was there for her while she waI long for the time when I'll get to experience having someone special to wake up to on Christmas morning, on our birthdays, anniversaries, have cute little names for each other, be the one person we can trust over anyone else, s going through a really tough time in her life when no one else was, being a caring person in her life, but got tossed like I was nothing.
The holidays a few months ago were horrible, It's normally my favorite time of year but I couldn't enjoy it even around family I felt so terribly lonely, I went to a holiday lighting event, but seeing all the couples kissing, holding hands, taking pictures, and seeming so happy, I had to leave and it was so painful that when I got to my car, I totally broke down and cried for like 10 minutes uncontrollably. Valentines Day was bad too, I cried a few times then too, I had to turn off all social media and tv because seeing all the "couples" things was sending me into depression. It cuts deeper when I see people celebrating 30, 40, or even 50+ years together, and at age 48, I know I don't have enough years left to see such milestones if I ever meet someone who I end up marrying. Even seeing someone getting married on tv brings sadness to me now and I have to change the channel.
It also seems everywhere I go most women I'm running into near my age are divorced or been through too many bad past relationships and not interested in getting into another one again, they have too many responsiblilites of their own such carrer commitments, caring for aging parents, children/grandchildren responsibilites, and the big one hear with my own ears alot is "I'm happy single, not interested in another man to disturb my peace." I also am finding that many find my being 48 and no kids as an automatic red flag, divorced women seem ok dealing with a divorced man, but not a man never married once, single moms seem cool dealing with single dads, but not a man w/o kids.
I'm only 5'2 and can't stand bars and clubs, that seems to be an automatic dealbreaker, I always get branded as "boring" and never given a chance to show otherwise because I don't drink or smoke, and my height is always a turn off, even women who are 4'11 or 5' want someone significantly taller. I've struggled with body image, especially the fact I'm extremely hairy on the chest and back, I don't have the kind of money needed to do permanent hair removal, shaving it makes it look worse, and I know most women would find it repulssive, I am so bothered by it I don't ever go outside without a shirt on even to swim. Lately since I've gone totally grey and even white, receeding hair, and lost a few back teeth I hate even looking in a mirror at times.
I've tried a few singles events near me in the past few years but nearly all of them are at bars or some $100+ a plate restaurant someplace and nearly all of the women are flocking to towards the same 4 or 5 guys.
I keep getting told "Get a hobby!", I have hobbies, "Be happy single, you're better off, marriage is a curse.", usually coming from someone who hates their spouse, "Not your time, not the right time, you'll meet her someday when the time is right.", how much longer and how many more years from now? "Stop looking, it comes when you aren't looking." I've tried this approach, no results either, "Lower your standards.", how low must I go? "Fake it til you make it.", do I have to be disingenuous and fake? What kind of message about my true character would that say to a potential mate?
I worry with each passing year that I'm running out of time and will I end up being in my 50's or 60's still single and it will be too late then, or at the very least having to settle for just a platonic relationship because that's all that will be left to choose from, or if I do find someone to marry, I don't want it to be so late that the vows end up being more like in sickness MORE than health, and death is nearer til we part.
I don't mean to have rambled on so much, I'm just having a really tough time with this anymore and each relationship loss or missed opportunity is hitting me harder and harder each time. I just don't know what to do anymore aside from giving up and accepting that love is for thee not me. Nothing is working, I feel like I have no options left other than to give up or be with someone I really don't connect with at all mentally or physically just so I'm not alone.
Everywhere I look it seems all the good, respectable, kind, loving, sucessful women who have to capacity to receive love are taken, married, or not wanting a man in her life and all I keep attracting are broken women who can't receive the love I have and/or the capcity to reciprocate, looking for a man to pay her bills, help raise her kids, or are mentally unstable.
I just started talking to a therapist last week because it's really taking a toll on me mental health, she thinks I'm suffering extreme lonliness, she even suggested cuddle therapy as something to ease the pain some. I'd feel a little awkward and embarrased doing something like that with a stranger, but I guess anything is worth a shot at this point.
Any advice would be of great help. Thanks.
