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I have been with my husband for 10 years, since I was 15 and him 16. We have been married 2 years. We’ve been inseparable ever since we met and moved in together immediately. In 2014 we had a baby whom we placed with an adoptive family, and I believe this is where we really began to grow apart and stopped trying to kindle our flame between us. A few rough years, but then we had a planned child in 2016. Then in 2018 we were struggling and speaking of separation again. This is when I had a one night stand with one of our coworkers. I told him, he thought I was joking, and I freaked and immediately took it back and lied that I was. Right after this instance of me cheating I got pregnant on accident by my husband again. Things seem to start looking up again, he proposed to me, then we married in July 2019. Again, we struggled. Getting married seemed to make it worse than ever. We had always said we would never marry, but I felt external pressures from our lookers and I pressed that onto my now husband as well. I basically pressured him into the engagement and marriage. So after marrying things went really bad, we became mildly physical with each other in arguments, would scream and belittle each other, I left for a month and stayed with a friend with our 2 kids. During that time we were able to rekindle a lot of the love we felt for each other and I came back home. Fast forward to the beginning of last year, I told my husband the truth about cheating on him and had another instance of infidelity where I kissed someone randomly, but nothing more. I told him everything. We were sure we were going to split and divorce, but after about 2 months he started saying he would work through it and didn’t want to live without me and didn’t want to split our family. We again rekindled the relationship and decided to have another child as we always wanted a big family. So our son was born November 2020. Things seemed to be going good, actually. I personally felt as if the arguments were less than they’d been in years and we were communicating more. Fast forewarned to the past 2 weeks and we had been arguing more. I fell far behind on my household duties and lacked the motivation to do anything, including intimacy with my husband. This past Monday he went to hang out with coworkers on the lake. When he left, one female coworker needed a ride back to her car and he was the only one leaving at the time so he offered. The ride resulted in her venting about her physically abusive relationship and my husband venting about our problems, and they kissed. He has spent almost all day, every day with her since Monday. When he is home, he doesn’t stop texting her or playing online games with her or talking about her to me. We had a talk where he admitted he didn’t want our family to be split and he wishes we could work it out, but he didn’t think I could change and be motivated or compassionate toward him. He said he’s not happy and this girl makes him the happiest he’s been in years. He constantly tells me how she’s “just like” me in so many ways. We are still being intimate with each other and that is the only thing he doesn’t tell her. He tells me EVERYTHING about their interactions. He’s told her he is falling for her, that he loves her. He has even talked about getting an apartment to move her away from her abusive situation and in with him. But then he’ll flip and say he doesn’t know, because it’s only been 5 days and he really can’t trust her because of that. Then he’ll say he loves the idea of us making it work, but basically he is putting me and our family on the back burner and right now he is choosing his happiness first which is being with her. I asked if we could “date” again. If we could try to fall in love again and stop being like roommates. He said he would like to, but that our relationship had to come second to what he has with her. I’m so hurt and so torn. On one hand I want to be his friend for once and be supportive of what makes him happy, but I also feel like a fool if I stand by and don’t try to do anything about him falling in love with someone else. It’s only been 5 days but even he has commented how understanding, honest and open I’m being with him and how it feels like we are friends again. So I am trying to keep that alive but I’m not sure how to do that without furthering their relationship. He wants me to take the children on a vacation for a few days so that he can bring her to our home. Yesterday he brought her here, but they spent the afternoon hanging out in our back building that he has set up as a lounge type area. I don’t want to say no, because I feel maybe if he has sex with her then the chase will be gone and he will start to come back to reality, but on the other hand it could cement his feelings for her. Since she lives with her abusive boyfriend there is no where private for them to go to hang out or even do things like play video games which they both enjoy, and I understand that. But I also feel like that isn’t my problem to have to worry about if he’s choosing her over us, he needs to rent a hotel room or something if that’s what needs to happen. But the guilt sets in of the mistakes I’ve made and I wonder if it’s my place to even say no? Does he deserve to have this time with her in our home? Do I just need to buckle down and tell him a choice needs to be made? I am terrified to push him further away and further into her arms. I want so badly to make this work. Thank you so much for reading.
