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furanjisuka
130 M Embraced 1
My weakness is: i care too much
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts14 Forum posts4 Forum upvotes3 Current upvotes3 Age GroupAdult Last activeAugust, 2024 Member sinceJuly 31, 2024
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I’m scared.
Trauma Support / by furanjisuka
Last post
 August 12th, 2024
...See more I don’t want to go too deep into detail about exactly my “trauma” is, because it’s embarrassing to me and i feel stupid for LETTING myself become traumatized because according to adults in my life (including my own parents) this is just a normal teenage experience. But tldr illegal drug and underage alcohol/nic consumption. Not me doing it, but having to watch my friends do and talk about it constantly all with the knowledge of what happened to my grandparents and uncle (who have a nic and drug addiction respectively and live miserable lives) and having to carry the burden of this because i felt responsible as the “good influence”/“mom” friend. The situation has warped my personality in very negative ways and it caused me to have triggers that unfortunately aren’t easily avoidable offline. I also occasionally have nightmares and sometimes even intrusive thoughts about doing these things i do not wish to partake in ever (I mean I might drink RESPONSIBLY when I’m of age, but drugs and nic never) it’s incredibly stupid, and sometimes i genuinely wish something actually bad had happened so I don’t feel like a faker. When I think about how badly it affected me I start to feel a feeling of self hatred and like I’m just overexaggerating what happened for attention. Most of where these activities took place when they all got together for sleepovers. The thought of having a sleepover with more than one person at a house that isn’t mine makes me extremely uncomfortable because i feel like i have no control over situations and something bad and or/illegal is going to happen and im once again going to feel responsible. here’s where the issue comes in— when I broke off from the larger friend group of when that stuff happened (because of unrelated things that aren’t important to this topic), I made a new friend and, as of very recent, a brand new friend group. My best friend’s in that group’s birthday is coming up soon, and they’re having a sleepover with 5 other people afaik, not counting me. This person is a bit silly and sometimes makes jokes about drugs, but doesn’t do them or any other substance. I even opened up to them and they reassured me that nothing like that would happen at their party. I trust them with my life, but what if someone else does something? I’m just. Scared. But i don’t want to wuss out on my best friend’s birthday party just because of some crap that shouldn’t have affected me the way it did. Any advice on what I should do to calm myself and make myself less scared about going? It’s probably not until the end of the month/early September so long term solutions could work.
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I don’t feel like my “trauma” is valid
Trauma Support / by furanjisuka
Last post
 July 31st, 2024
...See more Hi. Trauma is in quotes in the title because im not even really sure if this counts as trauma? basically, here’s what happened. I’m 16, most of this happened when I was 15. This went on for over a year. I was only able to escape the cycle a few months ago. I also think it’s worth mentioning that im autistic, which I feel like plays into this a bit because of the whole “strong sense of morality” thing. im not gonna go into super detail but: basically my friends (at the time as young as 14) were doing drugs, drinking, smoking, vaping, etc. I’ve seen what that kind of thing has done to my dad’s side of the family. Aunt and uncle are drug addicts, they live miserable lives. Grandmother and grandfather are nic addicts. It’s just genuinely not a good situation. This combined information was enough to send me spiraling for, again, over a year. These were people that I cared about who were (and still are) harming themselves. At so young too. I was also scared that my parents would find out somehow and forbid me from being around them even though I was never pressured or even offered anything. (I eventually did end up breaking down and telling my mom everything and she took it much better than I thought she would. I wasn’t forbidden from hanging out with them, but I have decided not to hang out with 2 out of the 4 people in the friend group for unrelated reasons.) they called these hangouts where they would get together and do substances “the function”, and at one point it was so bad that I was in math class and that word came up on a problem (mind you, IN THE CONTEXT OF MATHEMATICS) and I felt genuinely ill. I couldn’t hear that word normally for months, and I still feel a bit of dread when I hear it (just in the context of parties though. I absolutely cannot stand that “when the function got *insert thing here*” meme format because of this.) same thing for the word “cheese”, but im not gonna even scratch that iceberg. Jokes about drugs and underage nicotine/alcohol use also still make me feel panicked and all I can think about is what happened and how I felt. They would constantly joke and talk about it even after I asked them to stop, and it would trigger me into anxiety spirals or panic attacks. Something that also didn’t help is that I had an EXTREMELY unhealthy attachment to one of the people in this friend group (though they’re one of the two people im *not* friends with anymore for unrelated reasons). I basically put them on a pedestal and hearing about them doing this stuff broke me. I would get incredibly pushed over the edge if they went to one of these parties. If they couldn’t for some reason, I mostly felt fine. i also had a couple of times where I lashed out at my friends for “ruining themselves” which. Looking back I wasn’t wrong about that sentiment but my actions weren’t right. there’s a bit more to this but that’s the gist of it. Basically, I feel like I shouldn’t be traumatized by this because no direct harm was caused to me. To me have been in as bad of a state that I was in you would have thought i was forcefully drugged or something. I just feel like a whiny overdramatic *** whenever I think about it.  Sorry if this isn’t coherent, it’s past midnight and I really need to go to sleep.
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