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galahad13
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PathStep 1 Compassion hearts17 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes1 Current upvotes1 Age GroupAdult Last activeMarch, 2024 Member sinceMarch 17, 2021
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LGBTQ+ / MOGII Support / by galahad13
Last post
 March 23rd, 2021
...See more Hi, I'm new in this app because I don't know where else I could share my stories. It' a bit long so please bear with me. I'm 27, coming from conservative and religious family, living in Jakarta, Indonesia (where homosexuals are heavily hated). I identify as gay (sexually attracted to guys, but I do have feelings for girls, although not physically). I have never acted on my desire towards guys, because I have always been in denial with my sexual orientation until just recently, because I know I cannot ever be involved with guys due to my family's and friends' hatred towards LGBT. So I always play straight, pretending that I like women. Deep inside I'm very lonely, I really want to act on my desire towards guys but I can't. I want to have 'regular life' too. I want to get married and have children and everything...maybe aside from having queer orientation, I am pretty much very conventional. Fast forward a bit, I met this girl, she's also queer, she likes girls, and went through the exact same struggle with me. We both wanted the same thing, wanted to build a family based on love, and open-ness to each other. We instantly clicked, and started seeing each other, and this year we're getting married. But lately, I have second thoughts... although we know each other's sexual orientation and fully accept it, are we frauds? Are we wasting our time? At the same time I'm kinda confused too, would I be happy? Is this what I want? Before I got married I had this impulse of 'trying' to 'meet' guys, so I'd know how it feels like before I commit to a girl for basically forever. I installed a dating app, and long story short, matched with a very nice guy. We clicked on so many levels and started developing feelings toward each other, and now I'm confused on what to do...I really don't want to jeopardize the relationship I build with my fiancee for 2+ years, but at the same time I don't want to lose contact with him. I already came clean to him that I'm getting married, he's bummed out and said that we could only be friends, I've accepted that but my feelings toward him hasn't changed. Now my wedding is coming real soon but I'm still having fears. My fiancee and I have discussed about having open relationship even after we're married but I'm kinda flustered by the idea....but I know too that I can't commit my feeling 100% to this woman bcs deep inside I have feelings towards men too...please can anybody relate to this? Did anyone have similar story or can give me a great advice...I felt really alone
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