generousHouse7732 Member Profile

...See more Hi there. I’m writing this hoping you can use a little bit of my experience and understanding of this condition, so you can develop a better relation with this disorder. First of all, I don’t even know if it’s right calling it a disorder: a certain observation I think we can all agree is that the OCD brain function in a different way. Infact, learning about the physiological and neurological function of the OCD brain, I’ve came to realise that the OCD brain it’s stuck in a loop of chronic anxiety. The certain base is the chronic anxiety, that translates into the things you care/worry about. The anxiety feeds the loop, the loop feeds the anxiety. And that’s where the trucks begins. You have to see the OCD brain not as defective, but as a different kind of working, but it’s a work that doesn’t makes much sense, it’s overworking. The areas that are overworking are: amygdala, prefrontal cortex, ganglia and other parts related to control stimuli, error discharge… your brain has this “BUG”, some errors. Like a pc system with some internal errors in how it elaborates informations. But I wouldn’t see it as “defective”. Before I give you what WORKED FOR ME, I’ll give you some context so what I will say won’t be seeing as something no-sense: I’ve suffered a lot for OCD, since I was a child I remembered I controlled my breathing automatically and I couldn’t sleep, or I’d put determined clothes on because “lucky/unlucky”, or count for safety, spell for safety, clean fixations, checking on my health (fixation on HIV, hemorrhage, Alzheimer, cancer, lice…) and much more. At the age of 14 it all exploded and became horrifying: I was literally UNABLE to calm myself down and seeing objectively the situation I was living, I was a slave of my own bug. Its like a commander was kicking me all the time from above and I couldn’t do anything except listening and obeying. I started to get fixated about sleep, I was scared to die for not sleeping and things like that. I was scared to hear my heartbeat, I heard it all the time in my ears it was a nightmare. But it was my brain messing around with itself. lol. That’s the funny thing, right? Washing teeth, putting clothes on, choosing the clothes, cleaning my hand, cleaning the hair, body, writing… everything was impossibile. Everything was redone again and again until it felt right. Safe. Predictable. I started having favourite numbers of lucky. 8,16,22,32,98…. they changed after a while. When my brain decided they had to change. Everything must have been under my strict control. For my brain I was always on the verge of dying, collapsing, getting sick, contaminated… unlucky. My OCD even tried to make me take off my hair. I had a little deforestation of hair near the forehead because I kept twisting and pulling them until they fell out (I admit I still do that, but less and less). I tried to be synthetic with my experience, but I swear it was a nightmare. This all went on until last year, after another big “OCD fall”, that’s how I call it: when my OCD symptoms were so strong, they exploded and I was dying from anxiety. It was horrifying. Last year I realised how much I was a slave of this part of the brain thst is “bugged” and was like a omnipotent voice thst talked over me. I realised, in reality, how much of “non-control” I could have. The best way to not permit the bug to persist is to not feed the bug. As easy as it is, it’s as hard as it is. But I swear, this is the only way that worked for me. The moment you decide that you don’t want to have control anymore, that you won’t do what the bugged part tells you (that in the end is always you, but not conscious) and that YOU (the consciousness, prefrontal cortex, the willing part of the brain) had a lot of power. You can decide if you want to listen to the bugs or not. You want to give it all the listening to what arrives to your conscience and make it all your world like it will all end if you not deal with it? You want to decide what really matters and what is just “noise”, because your brain has a little problem with filtering that… this is up to you. The only way is THROUGH, medications can help for sure (I’ve tried all kinds), but they just numb out the bug. Doesn’t resolve the problem. The brain is PLASTIC and SHAPEABLE, it just requires a lot of effort, and to deal with it directly it’s necessary from my point of view. Right now I still suffer from OCD, I’ll be honest, but its much much much much much more bearable. I still fall for some trap sometimes, but its like I see now for what it is, and I’m okay with it. I know the bug is there, and I have to live with it, but I recognise when what it’s says it’s important or not. I can say I am not a slave anymore. I hope this will help someone. This was my experience until now. Maybe in some years my brain will change again and I will realise something else. Who knows :).

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