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Hello,
this might get a super long story but i’m gonna try to keep it short.
so 4 years ago-mabye more- i met a boy in my university and after a certain time ( exactly after my breakup and when i was not looking for love or relationship) I found myself in love with him. The amount of love, missing and every single feeling that i experienced with him was not comparable with anything else i had experienced. However, he was somehow jealous of me being friends with other boys (i should mention that in the country that i live, due to separation of sexes during school education, many boys tend to be sexually sick after entering the university and might have other intentions rather than being friends with you)
so i tried to limit my relations with my other boy friends and somehow limited myself to him as i trusted him with my whole heart (i know i did wrong). There was a time that I hid the fact that my ex boyfriend texted me eventhough it was nothing special. He asked me to meet him sometime as i had left things with him and I told him that i did not need them back and i do not want to see him because it would ruin my current relationship. Eventhough I answered like this, i hid it from my bf. I guess i did not want any excessive chaos in our relationship.
he found out and was really sad and angry because of many things especially the hiding part. However, after about 2 years of our relationship,he told me that he wants to be friends because he can not get over the things that has happened between us :) i was not satisfied but as i wanted to have him in my life, i accepted to give it a try. However, right after that, i felt like he’s been different, not that much love and affection, and he started to talk about other girls :)
you know, i deeply believe that if a person asks you to do something for him, he should do the exact same thing! And it was not like that in our relationship, so i got really hurt. Once, he was preparing his documents for a trip (about 2 months) and i browsed his phone outta curiosity.
i found out that he invited that other girl to his house without even telling me about it. When i told him that i know he explained that they did not do anything and that the girl was interested in him :) i could not get over it , i mean i did not have to, because it was a big deal. Right after this shitty thing, he went on e 2-month internship and we could not talk that much. You can imagine how hurt i could be, losing my trust, dealing with the scars all alone.
when he got back, i told him that if you want to continue this relationship, stand fair and with certainty or lets finish this shit as i can not be “friends” with you. He did not answer me properly, he told me that he does not want to force anything. I ahould mention that all through this phases we had sex and we were completely intimate with eachother :)
so this too passed, leaving more scars for me without eveb one of them healing.
you know, my bf has been through alot of unimagineable stuff and i really wanted to be next to him all the time as he said i was his only best friend that he could talk to freely. So don’t blame me for staying eventhough nothing was ever fixed.
long story short, we kept continuing until in the second year of pandemic, he had the opportunity to leave our shitty country and immigrate somehow. I supported him all through it because i know it was his only way to get out of the situation he was dealing with. So he immigrated to another country last summer and i had been not able to see him for around 10 months. Before he went, we decided that it would be better for both of us to talk less as there is no together plan for us to go and live in a certain country. You know, both of us wanted to immigrate, but we had to take different paths. We did not have any other choice.
he went, i became extremely alone and i felt like i could not talk with anybody about this whole thing, although my friends were all supportive and they knew that i could be broken after him leaving. Roght after he left, he told me that he wants to keep focusing on his path and does not want to have any responsibility towards anything :) I was not ok! i’m not still ok!
so we actually became more friends that bf-gf and i tried my best to be there for him because i knew he was going through a tough times. He has been also always supportive of me, my goals, and has always pushed through being a better person. I do really owe him a lot of things that has happened to me in my life. So we were there for eachother like two best friends. Although i could not think of him as a friend.
so, about 2 weeks ago, i went on a trip and saw him, stayed with him for a week. We had such a good time together. We slept together many times. However,like always, i wanted to define this shitty, half-friends /half-gf relationship, but he keeps on saying that i’m his best friend :) he does not want to commit to me or the love that he has for me. I know for sure that he loves me, but i do not feel like i have the value that i should have in this relationship. It has been hurting me for a long time and i feel like i do not have the strength to build trust with a new personour even cure my current scars. I know that he might have had sex with many other girls during the past 10 months eventhough he does not tell me.
now that i have come back to my own country, i’m hopeless, helpless and i can not express how much stress i’m going through. I’ve been through alot during the last year, trying to achieve everything in my whole life, strufying 2 majors at a time, preparing myself for immigration and many other things.
now i feel anxious because i know that i have to make a decision. I feel like i have sacrifised alot. I have put alot of energy into this relationship and i know it sounds totally toxic, but the love i received from him is beyond words, the problem is that he does not want to admit and commit to me like a proper person. I’m not sure what to do…
i just want to be sure about ONE single aspect of my life and nothing else is going well in my life. I cannot lin on something and be sure of it.
help me please!
there are alot of details that i could not say, however, consider that i have only stated the bad aspects of my relationship. There were definitely many good things that i’m sure you can imagine.
