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godsoldier1
524 M Embraced 4
PathStep 5 Compassion hearts122 Forum posts12 Forum upvotes13 Current upvotes13 Age GroupAdult Last activeDecember, 2022 Member sinceApril 14, 2021
Bio

I am a mom, I love spending everyday with my babies. Struggling in my relationship, needing friends & God on my side. I'm struggling with anxiety and depression...searching for advice and understanding

Recent forum posts
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Should I stay married
Family & Caregivers / by godsoldier1
Last post
 April 17th, 2021
...See more Is it normal to not want to have emotions towards your spouse? If I could not feel this heartache it would be easier to walk away. I have grown to hate my husband. We have been together for 15yrs, since I was 18 and he was 29. He treats me like dirt. Seriously, the dog gets more attention. My feelings and opinions mean nothing to him. He will ask my opinion and do the complete opposite. It's almost like his daily goal is set to do me wrong. He controls finances which has given him more control. Although I carried most of the weight from our family business. He believes it's his way or the highway. He refuses to help watch the kids so I always have to be with them while he goes out and does whatever. He likes to party while me and the kids are home and will straight lie to my face. I have even pulled in to the bar parking lot that he "doesnt go to" and he always has an excuse. It was for work, I was doing an interview, we were discussing business. I have been told he goes to strip clubs and has been seen with other women. Although I have not seen it myself my gut tells me it's true. He lies constantly about everything. It has made me insecure and the mind games make me feel crazy. What hurts most is I dont know why? What did I do to this man? I have been a great wife and mom. I do so much for him. I get yelled at every day. I get called a B**** more than my own name. I have tried marriage counseling...didnt work. I even tried antidepressants and counseling to calm my nerves bc I get so frustrated. It has been 6yrs since I was on those meds tho bc i dont feel like it's me that needs to change anymore. Meds didnt change anything. We dont sleep in the same room nor have been intimate in 2yrs. My husband is an alcoholic and has some health issues. He blames intimacy on those health issues but I dont by it. He doesnt want to hang out or do we even act like friends. He always says hes tired and goes passes out on the couch. But several nights will be wide a wake out with friends until 2-3 in the morning. It's hard to let go of my emotions bc I feel like I did nothing wrong. This was the man I thought I'd spend the rest of my life with and now I'm to angry to sit near him. I just want to stop caring and move on with my life. I just dont know how
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Tired of being tired
Relationship Stress / by godsoldier1
Last post
 April 14th, 2021
...See more I have been with my husband for 15 years now. We have 3 children and run a business together. Since we have been together our relationship has been rocky. The past two years have been the worst. I helped my husband start his company, and at first I was glad to help. I thought it would even make us closer once he realized that I supported his dreams and how far I would go to help him achieve them. I thought this will help my kids see how a good woman/wife/mom should be. At first it was great. Then once money started coming and we were starting to see some success he didnt need me. I was thrown to the curb and got no recognition for ever helping at all. He hired a new office person to take my spot and I was constantly reminded how they were better than me. Until that didnt work out. So here he comes begging for my help. "I need you, I cant do this with out you". So again I helped him. Since then he has put all the work on me. I mean no help at all. He gets to do the fun stuff like his interviews from the bar stool. Lunch with clients. But I dont even have time to go to lunch I do ALL the paperwork. I have even told him I cant do it on my own. Here comes the guilt trips. If I dont help him now I'm told I dont care about the family or if we are successful. I'm selfish and my work isnt even that hard. If I say no he tells me then we cant afford our new house, or cars, etc. He says he will sell it all.....so much I told him to just do it already. I ask for simple help but he always finds something else he has to do. I take care of the kids, the house, cooking, drive for our company and run the office. I'm mentally and physically exhausted. He comes and goes as he pleases. Lies about going to the bars and who hes with EVERY DAY. Stays out late sometimes 2-3 in the morning. Spends no time with me and the kids bc hes too tired from "working". When he comes home he drinks himself to sleep. Hes angry all the time so I try not to even bring up how I feel anymore. Hes an alcoholic who has put himself in the hospital several times and has come close to dying from it. Hes sneaky. If you try to talk to him, he blows up. We walk on eggshells. His anger has caused the business and family to fall apart. He cant talk to me unless it's about work. We havent been intimate in 2yrs. He says bc his health problems. He makes time for his buddies and the bar and never for me. I get blamed for his addiction. I suspected infidelity. I'm only important if he needs me to do something for him. Hes broken down throughout the years and has apologized(crying his eyes out) but the next tells me he drank to much and I should ignore anything he says. Once I do whatever errand he needs hes a jerk all over again. I have tried marriage counseling that was a failure. Tried medication for depression and individual counseling for myself. It has been so exhausting. I'm frustrated and flat out just hurt. I cry alot. I have tried to hold it in but I'm starting to get bitter. He just does not care. I battle with not wanting to quit my marriage/family on one hand and the other I'm tired and at a loss. I have so much resentment its tearing me up. I hurt so bad all the time. I really dont know why I cant just walk away. I feel weak. I feel so stupid. My family and friends tell me to leave. I have been with him since I was 18 and he was 29. A long time and so much of my life was spent with him. It feels unfair bc I feel like I am a great woman. I try to show it everyday. I just dont understand how life has turned out so awful
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