gregariousNickel1182 Member Profile

...See more TLDR; I need help reaching out to my boyfriend for support. This is my first post so I apologize in advance for anything that might be off. For some context, I've been struggling with sh for almost 5 years now (wow I hadn't actually counted before) and the most I've ever been clean for is 87 days, so its really been a battle for me. I never really reached out for support, until I told my roommate about two years ago. She freaked out and removed everything sharp from the room, including rounding out any sharp edges on things. This reaction really scared me and I didn't tell anyone else except for my other closest friend at the time, but he never really cared and we dont really talk anymore after that. About 6 months after that my parents found my scars and sat me down to talk about them, but I was terrified since they're Hispanic parents who don't really think mental health is all that huge, since my life has been easy. I lied and told them I only scratched, and then any time after that when they would ask I would lie and say I was clean. Cut to about a year after that, I told my ex boyfriend (boyfriend at the time) and he didn't really care. It was really difficult for me to say and I was actually in tears telling him since I really needed support since I had relapsed, but we never spoke of it again. That relationship was not a good one and looking back it was toxic and didnt help at all when I was already struggling. Fast forward to now, I've really been going through it all of summer break, although I'm not formally diagnosed with anything I can only describe this last month as a horrid depressive episode, where I've had zero energy or motivation and frequent panic attacks. So, I relapsed again near the beginning of june, after which I was able to stay clean for 17 days. Then, yesterday, I relapsed again and cut until i ran out of space on my hips, which was kind of a wakeup to stop. Then again this afternoon, and again tonight. I want to get better from this, so I've decided to reach out for support from my current boyfriend. He's very understanding when it comes to mental health, as he also struggles with anxiety and depression, and once even sh, but he's come a long way in his recovery and I'm not, so I'm scared ill impact his mental health negatively and send him back. I previously had mentioned to him (a few months ago) that I was 50 days clean from sh and didn't really know who to tell besides him (this was before we were dating) and he congratulated me and said he was so proud of me, and that I could always talk to him. I also have mentioned recently that I've been going through a rough time, but didn't really elaborate. I'm meeting up with him tomorrow afternoon and we have about a 40 minute walk to and from a place we're going to, so I'm thinking that would be the perfect opportunity to talk to him. I already told him tonight that I wanted to talk to him about something tomorrow to hold myself accountable to actually going through with it, but now I'm terrified: of his reaction (due to past experiences with others), of hurting him somehow, of getting reported, and even of not knowing what to say. If anyone has any advice on how to start the conversation, what to say, or any tips, I would really really appreciate it. I'm planning on writing a sort of script, since that will probably help, but have no idea how to do so right now. Thanks so much and thanks for reading all this too

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