gregariousPine7120 Member Profile

...See more Hi, I'm gregariousPine. I'm a 16 year old girl in the USA. I am extremely depressed and have moderately severe anxiety. I grew up in a slightly upper middle class family, both of my parents, especially my father, are upstanding members of the community. I did not grow up in a loving home. I live with my mother, father, and younger brother. We don't love each other or have respect for each other. Well, I respect my father, but only out of fear. I grew up in a home where he used the belt often when I misbehaved. My mother preferred more cruel and unusual punishments, such as dumping her drink or food on my head, or putting all of her weight on top of me as she pulled my hair out, sometimes biting me. My door has not had a doorknob for 7 years. It is also full of holes. She would also call me ugly and fat, and sometimes that she hated me. This was one side of her though, the other one was nice and liked to go shopping with me, stuff like that. I feel like she may have mental problems herself. She denies to this day that she ever inflicted that pain upon me. My younger brother is now larger and stronger than me, so he uses every opportunity to call me names and hit me. I spend most of my time in my room. I had many good friends in elementary school, ones I would often have sleepovers and such with. I was shy and quiet, but I was also kind of a bully in elementary school. I remember calling a few kids some names, and even one time kicking a boy. When I was in middle school, I became so ashamed of my past. I hated myself for bullying those people. My shy and quiet nature turned into severe social anxiety. I lost all of my friends. Many of them told me that they didn't want to be around me anymore. I became severely depressed and my mother often forced me to go to therapists and doctors, my father didn't believe "depression" and "anxiety" existed. He called them weaknesses of the mind. I had extremely low self esteem. When I got into high school, my father forced me to play basketball because I'm 6 ft tall, and because my basketball coach worked for my dad and not the school system. I started dressing in more attractive clothing, and people started to like me more, I still don't have friends, but I can talk to people. Things became more bearable during my freshman and sophomore years. During my sophomore year, I took AP Psychology, and there I met this senior guy who was super outgoing and charismatic, and very handsome. He got my number, and we started texting. He invited me over to his house one day, and so I snuck out and walked there. There he gave me my first kiss, and I fell in love with him. We started hanging out more and more, and after a few months, I let him take my virginity. I thought at the time that we were dating, but we weren't and I had been sadly mistaken. I also found out that he had been talking to other girls as well. The day I was going to call things off with him, he asked me to be his girlfriend. I was so happy. I had never had a boyfriend before. During the first couple months, I felt like our relationship was lacking in love. I never really saw an romantic gestures from him. He later told me that he chose to date me over the other girl, because he had sex with me and felt bad about ditching me for her, but that he was glad he chose me, that I am clearly the better choice. Despite him saying things like this, he was also kind and funny, and truly wanted for me to be a happier person, because he knew about my depression. But he also had a lot of problems with me being socially awkward, my sadness, and my lack of confidence. When I told him at 8 months that I loved him, he didn't say it back. I felt so awful and embarrassed from this. A month or so later, he was talking to me about how he just didn't feel a spark with me, he didn't feel any chemistry, so we broke up. I was extremely devastated, and he cried some too. A few hours later he called me and asked if we could talk. He told me that he did feel that spark and that he would like to date me again, and I said yes. We've now been dating for a little over a year and he still doesn't love me. I'm becoming extremely depressed and anxious over this, because I love him so much. My life has become so much better because of him, he truly has made me a happier person. But going this long without hear him tell me that he loves me hurts so bad. I wish I was strong enough to break up with him, but I love him. I always thought in my times of sadness, when I was feeling very lonely and suicidal, that if I could just get a boyfriend, then I would be happy, because I would have someone that loved me and cared about me. I feel so alone. I have no one that truly cares about me. I hate myself. I just want for someone to hold me and tell me that they love me and that everything is going to be okay. I don't think I've ever felt that kind of love from anyone. I feel like an old person, someone that is tired of life and is ready to die. I feel like I've lived for decades, in terms of emotional stress. God I wish he loved me, but I can't make him love me. I'm trying so hard to change myself to what he would love. Honestly the person he wants is the person I want to be, someone that is confident and open. It hurts so bad being rejected. I have been rejected by everyone I have ever cared about. My family, my former friends, my boyfriend. I don't understand what's wrong with me. What about me makes those people not like me? I cry all the time thinking about this. I cried while I wrote this entire thing. Thank you for reading.

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