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happytales
706 M Little Steps
PathStep 32 Compassion hearts18 Forum posts13 Forum upvotes15 Current upvotes15 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2021 Member sinceSeptember 16, 2016
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Delusions and accessing crisis services
Bipolar, Schizophrenia & Psychosis Support / by happytales
Last post
 July 26th, 2021
...See more CW: delusions, self-destructive thoughts/behaviour, hospitalisation, frustration with the medical system, childhood trauma mention . . . Hi there! I've always had delusions and hallucinations, especially pre age 10-15 or so. (It seems like they're connected to my young brain trying trying to cope with severe childhood trauma). The hallucinations have gone from vivid visual and auditory ones several times a week down to pretty much only tactile ones rarely when I'm really stressed. The delusions... I thought those were getting better, but maybe it's more like they've gotten sneakier and harder to detect. Or maybe they were always sneaky, it's just easier to see them in retrospect haha. Anyways, I've been sorta tossed around the mental health system for almost the past decade, nothing really fitting quite right, and just recently I'm starting to really learn about how delusional-type thoughts might be playing bigger role in some of the stuff I've been working through than I realised. I was hospitalised earlier this year and one challenge that really scared me was trying to get the health professionals to understand why I wasn't safe to be released just yet. They'd look at me, see me trying to get better, and think I was fine... but I wasn't: I was having really frequent episodes with these intense thoughts surrounding death and freedom, associating self-harm/blood with purity and getting rid of the filth I felt like was growing under my skin. I did eventually manage to get them to understand, but I'm scared of needing to go back, it's hard enough trying to manage without also needing to convince doctors that I need help. :( I'm still new to figuring all this out, I don't even know what's going on with me, but I thought maybe some other folks on here might have experienced something similar so I don't feel so alone. Is anyone else frustrated with the way even mental health professionals don't seem to always understand that there's more involved with being in danger due to mental health than just being depressed? I'm that too, but I wish they'd understood that me wanting to live wasn't enough, that I didn't need to push so hard to get them to see I needed more help until I could stabilise. Thanks everyone and I hope you all have a lovely day <3
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Sex and Pain
Trauma Support / by happytales
Last post
 March 10th, 2018
...See more TW: sexual abuse, adult content For most of my life I associated anything sexual to pain, degradation, and self-hatred. After sex stopped being forced on me, I started using anything sexual as a way to hurt myself because it brought up so much pain. When I hate myself, I watch (usually violent and triggering) porn and/or masturbate, and then I break down. And even when I'm in a good place, being touched makes me panic. But now I'm in a relationship, and it's a problem. I rarely have sex with my girlfriend, because I don't want my usual sexual dynamic, but it causes some friction between us. My girlfriend has a hard time understanding why I only feel up to having sex once or twice every few weeks. She's never delt with that kind of thing. I've explained that it depends on how I'm doing, and she's understanding of that, but I think we both just miss the intimacy and closeness of sex. I hate that I can't give her that more often. So she's suffering because we don't have sex much and she misses me, and I'm suffering because sex hurts and I feel guilty for upsetting her. And also because I do want sex, I just can't have it in a healthy way. I miss her so much. I feel so stuck and lost and sad.
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