heartycitrus Member Profile

...See more Hello, I would appreciate it if anyone could read this and just say *something* because I have so much to say.. I deleted all of social media to detox from everything and have basically been hiding off on the sidelines since everything stressed me out terribly. I have been in an online relationship for nearly two years (I had recently cut it off 3 weeks ago), and I feel like it was for the better since I couldn't handle relationships well. Let me explain. I am 14, and when I was 13 (in 2019), I was definitely immature. At the time I cheated on someone who never deserved it and didn't realize it was cheating either to emotionally seek someone else in a relationship, but I acknowledge that. It was shitty, and last year I repeated the same exact thing except it was when I realized it was cheating and didn't do it again. I don't find that excuseable, because at the time of last year things got terrible and I believed I deserved abuse so I sought out for someone to do that to me. It was.. not good. Recently, I cut things off because I seriously do not think things would be any better, and it wasn't that I fell in love for someone else either; although my ex believes I did since its happened before and thats understandable. Although I do not agree with a lot of what this said person has done, I just wanted this to end and its not ended. I can't stop talking about them because they themselves haven't ended anything; and I did apologize to them for what I have done, but that does not mean they owe me forgiveness, nor does that mean that I owe staying in a relationship with them. You know, I feel guilt for not staying in a relationship with them because me and them were all we had for months and were the only people we could trust.. it doesn't feel the same anymore. If anything, I don't want to say much of what they did wrong because it feels petty to continue bashing onto them.. I ended it all for a reason and truly I wish that felt respected. I recently found out they were still deadnaming me though, calling me the wrong pronouns, etc and its just.. ugh.. I have no idea how to feel, maybe I deserved it from being unloyal and not handling relationships and love well, especially since my love range can usually go too far. As soon as I broke things off, I kept getting harrassed by.. accounts that just drove me off social media too. I hate to mention that in but so many accounts harrassed me, I got email spams, whatever. It was just terrible and I ended up deleting all apps, instagram, twitter, discord, *everything* and I only really have one or two apps, one to text irls and another to watch videos from boredom. I don't want to continue this cycle, I feel like I don't handle love well and I have caused more hurt emotions than I have good ones. And by this rate I feel like if I don't fix it now it's going to get worse.. maybe I'm too young for relationships, I am turning 15 next month and I even talked to my counselor about this situation (with more depth). They said they'll try to get me emitted to therapy as well so I hope that can occur.. but truly, how am I even going to come back from this? They're posting a lot about me too and I don't really want to come back to them from posting so much, calling me a whore and etc, of course people will say I'm being harsh but I just don't want to be this way forever. I don't think I can continue that with them again from this.... but I need advice, I need someone, I have no idea what to do and feel like such a shitty person, but yet I ruined my own life by doing this. Anytime I'm out of a relationship I get affectionate to *everyone* so easily too and thats not right; I have no idea how to not be easily trusting of people or how to not be affectionate like that. It's immature and unloyal.. and if there are any listeners here I can talk to about this I would enjoy it, but how do I get that to stop-?? And there are so many other unhealthy mechanisms I have too, especially wanting attention so frequently and being a people pleaser; I could go more into it but it scares me to think I am a manipulator and I don't want that for myself so I'd really want help..

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