heatlightning Member Profile

I’m in love with two people

Relationship Stress / by heatlightning

August 11th, 2024

Help with gift for faraway partner

Relationship Stress / by heatlightning

June 11th, 2023

...See more My partner and I recently had to become long distance for at least the mean time. He’s temporarily renting a room for a seasonal job and lives in a rural area where it’s hard to get certain mail delivered accurately. His birthday is soon and I want to send him something unique but useful but that hopefully conveys my love and care fle gkm. Sometimes suddenly he will seem like he doesn’t feel missed or loved by me and I feel guilty that I feel at peace here. In the past I was too anxious to have thought of leaving his side or going back home due to past trauma but I’m proud of the fact and know that we needed this to overcome our respective insecurities due to past traumas. In short, I just want him to feel I love him and send him something authentic but that doesn’t take up space since he’s in a temporarily living situation and we already have so much stuff we tried to get rid of and have in storage (in other words too much stuff has caused a problem for us so I don’t want to just contribute to that and have a gift backfire). Does anyone have any ideas? And because of where he lives being so rural getting food delivery is a no go sadly also if anyone has any tips or advice on how to show affection/that I miss and care for him please do share. Thank you! How can I convey this over text or phone on his birthday? I’m not used to being long distance with him so it comes off as if I don’t care but the truth is I’ve just been feeling so secure in our partnership that I don’t feel the need to go overboard showing emotions or that I miss him. I think I will tell him that

fed up with relationship complacency don't know if it will change

Relationship Stress / by heatlightning

October 30th, 2022

...See more We've always had issues but I've always trusted that this person was put in my life for a reason. for the better part of a year my partner got a job he ended up loathing. he's trying to find a job he enjoys but for now he's stuck with this one. he works a lot so I get that he is busy but he seems to put little effort in taking care of himself. we started going to the gym together months ago and then he quit due to tiredness. when I met him he was fit and I thought it was a lifestyle. we met right before the pandemic so it of course affected everyone's active lifestyle. but after things started to come back to life he didn't seem too enthused about going to the gym. he now makes no time for it and it just depresses me how he doesn't care about himself. I don't find him attractive like before and I feel a lot of the attraction and connection when we met must've just been based off of physicality or else I wouldn't feel this way now. just a combination of things such as how he can be testy and the arguments we've had all lead me to feel fed up. I just don't know if I should have faith that he's still young and he will get the job he wants which will just make him feel overall better about himself and thus take care of himself. the only thing I'm leaning on is faith because as for now I don't find much interest in the relationship. it seems conditional like when we spend a month with my family I enjoy it more but when we're across the country just us it's like I feel I'm sacrificing too much, miss my family and all for something I'm not really enjoying. obviously if I were enjoying it it wouldn't feel like a sacrifice. It doesn't help our sex life has taken a toll as I recently had to stop a birth control method for the mean time and the change has put a damper on it. I'm not even really into it and the sex meant more to him so I feel like now that he doesn't even have that he's going to realize how there isn't much going on with us and we're hanging by a thread. I've started having dreams about him in which I feel the spark and attraction I felt at the beginning, where I find him really attractive and even had a dream where he looked to be taking care of himself and I woke up feeling like maybe a few years in the future he will be that person again or even a better version and I shouldn't focus too much on the here and now. Has anyone been in something where it was like this for a time but then years down the road or however long it changed or got better? or any feedback or experience?

I think I just care too much about him

Relationship Stress / by heatlightning

August 19th, 2022

...See more I feel like the root of so many “struggles” or confusion I’ve felt recently is just caring too much about partner. I love him and if expresses concern or fear or disdain in something I want to do then I just nix the idea entirely. It’s like even though I tell myself I love him and won’t hurt him, I’m afraid I will so I just don’t do anything that could risk it? Could be as simple as anything from texting a guy friend to going on a trip alone. If my bf shows any apprehension or just confusion towards why I would do it or discomfort I just figure “we’ll i guess I don’t need to text them/go on that trip/etc.” So I just nix the idea then I get depressed I’ve seen him cry and be sad over past hurts and be scared that I could hurt him and that breaks my heart seeing him that way and I’m just afraid to do anything that even could make him worry even if in the end the experience could be used to prove our love or strength and make us stronger. In the past my late partner would be strong in my fear and instead of holding back use experiences to make us stronger (ie he traveled home to visit family by himself and even though I was sad he didn’t hold back; I learned to be stronger and it showed me the strength of our relationship). I need to channel his energy now but for whatever godforsaken reason I find it so difficult.

Late partner’s friends + my new relationship

Relationship Stress / by heatlightning

August 18th, 2022

...See more I’ve tried to sort out/understand several issues regarding my relationship on here recently so I’d like to see some feedback on this. 3 years ago my partner of 3 years died; he was young, it was tragic and unexpected and a bit controversial so it was a tough time at first navigating the tragedy and the relationships with his friends and family at first. Several of his friends reached out. There was one friend in particular of his I was really close to; he seemed to enjoy hanging out with both of us (ie never saw me as a burden or himself felt like a third wheel). We had great memories together. my partner was in the military and I noticed due to living in close quarters they seemed to not have personal space and be touchy feely with others. This friend of his would hug me, pick me up playfully, threw me in a pool once (grabbing me and pushing me); my partner didn’t mind and I liked that he felt comfortable with me. after my partner died I didn’t talk to this friend too much. He wasn’t living near anymore and was a bit removed from the situation. A month after he texted me but I never replied cause I was in a phase where I was distancing myself from people due to another friend of his ghosting me and just being confused by what everyone (his friends/family) wanted from/of me. A few months later I got into my current relationship; my partner knows about my late partner and respects him/my relationship with his family but at the same time when I met my current partner things were still up in the air so I didn’t know how the relationships between me and my late partner’s friends/family would continue. Recently that friend i was close to talked to my late partner’s family and they told me he asked about how I was so I asked for his new number. I still haven’t texted him; i feel Im holding back because I don’t want to make my partner uncomfortable. One time when I told him about me and that friend in passing my partner said, “he (my late partner) was ok with you two being so close?” My partner is understanding but i think he has his boundaries/limits just due to who he is and also pasts with exes that perhaps caused distrust. I wish I had set the tone earlier on in the relationship I guess that I might be in contact/have friendships with late partner’s old friends. I regret not replying back then to the friend so i want to reach out now. I don’t want to have to run it by my partner or ask for permission. I think the fact that they’re guys makes it feel wrong; if this was a female I know I wouldn’t think twice to message them. any feedback or thoughts or how as a partner one might feel?

Really depressed over how things are headed

Relationship Stress / by heatlightning

August 21st, 2022

...See more Things were going better for my partner and I when we were on the road coming back from a quick outing to run an errand. Recently I felt like we’d been focusing more on what we do have in common instead of that which we don’t, but that went awry. It started with him seeing an RV/camper van type vehicle; where we are a lot of people seem to own them. When my partner was younger his dad was into camping and it was their best family time the weekends they’d go camping before his parents got divorced. So he said how he wished he had enough money to have that and whenever he sees houses with them he thinks how cool it is they can afford one. I immediately thought how that’s never been something that interests me in the slightest and just said “yeah that’s cool, I’ve just never really cared when I saw someone has one.” And we got into our differences and how we don’t meet in the middle and we’re not compatible. I knew that was probably coming from the tone of the convo and expected it, as we were blatantly discussing something we see completely opposite on. THEN he started saying how he wants to have a kid of his own and how at 25 he feels he’s getting older. We had discussed this in brief before, never as much as a couple should; I think it should be discussed before getting together and becoming serious but of course I took the easy way out and just went along with whatever vague stuff he said at the beginning which just leads to misery/heartbreak/problems later on down the road. I had mentioned I might want to adopt a kid one day and he seemed on board and had even been deployed overseas where he saw an orphanage so he seemed to have a real tie to adoption beyond just the sheer idea of it. However I also knew that his reason for not wanting his own child was not valid as one time a year or so ago he said he felt he wasn’t good enough to be a dad or to have good genes (stemming from his own troubled childhood/divorced parents). I knew he’d probably change his mind and now today he’s telling me how he wants his own kids and to take them camping in an RV just all these ideas that I’m not really on board with. i hate myself for being so weak after my previous partner died for jumping into this relationship. We’re almost three years in and my partner died three years ago after he and I were also together three years. I’ve never been in a relationship longer than that; I feel my late partner and I would’ve been had it not been for his passing. sometimes I love my boyfriend so much and just know God put him in the path for me and he helps me and values me and whatnot and no one may ever love me or be as loyal as he is. My parents love him too but my mom knows how I sometimes regret jumping in. Mr dad is none the wiser to these thoughts and I’m assuming takes comfort in that I’ve found such a solid partner. Other times I hate myself for getting into a relationship and not giving myself time, not being strong enough to have been alone, having felt like I would’ve rather died than be alone. I wish I could’ve been stronger. Now when I try to focus on myself my partner gives me harsh reminders that I’m in a relationship and we have to meet in the middle (and though I get upset, I don’t blame him). I just feel these differences will keep rising up to the surface (if they even go back down after this). The conversation ends with some sort of compromise or some “small step” it sounds like I’ll be taking in the right direction (the right direction being the middle, where I’m supposed to meet him and where he feels he’s already standing at). I just have too much in my head. For example my late partner’s friend I heard just reached out to his sister and she gave me his number. His friend and I were always close but we haven’t talked since his passing. I feel like I’m not even allowed to talk to him like I’m honoring my past relationship too much. Idk I just wish I never had jumped into this sometimes because it seemed to take away the hurt back then but now like it’s going to cause more hurt in the end.

Don’t like hanging out with his friends

Relationship Stress / by heatlightning

August 5th, 2022

...See more A lot of this stems from my own resentment due to not prioritizing myself and kind of setting myself up for failure by jumping into things too quickly in the relationship which I’ve talked about before. my bf barely gets time to see his friends due to his work schedule. On holidays or birthdays when they do hang out I always act out beforehand and end up either him not wanting me there or I just decide not to go before hand which of course is sad for him as his friends have their partners there. I’m just really fed up with where I am in life and how I made it seem like I was so ready for everything and I’m working on that but it makes me resentful in the moment like seeing his friends feeling like they’re not the kind of people. they also are all of a different culture and again I set myself up for that by having a “type” and dating someone from a different ethnicity. But it makes me feel like I stick out even though I understand a lot about the culture I just feel they assume I don’t or might think I don’t and it’s not my place to start showing I do. also I am vegetarian and none of them are so I always look super awkward because I don’t want to bring my own food and stick out but I also don’t eat what they eat. On top of that they all drink alcohol and I don’t like to drink. Honestly after being around them I tend to want to distance myself and just act uninterested and can’t wait to leave. I know a lot of it is just it’s hard for me to be happy in the moment but a lot of it comes from me wanting to be doing my own thing and making progress. I feel like a lot of his friends just settle in life and they’re good people who work for what they have but my bf being a military veteran I feel he should have friends who are also of that community and not just the same ones he went to high school with who never experienced other parts of the world. I always dated active military people and am not used to people who just hang out with high school friends even if they’re decently mature. I know it sounds like I’m scoffing and just putting them down for my own person pleasure or something which maybe I am but I wish I didn’t do that. How can I just enjoy the moment and know that the people I’m with aren’t a reflection of my life? Like how do I remind myself it’s just a moment in time and to just enjoy the day in the company I find myself with that particular day? i want to “blend in” per se but the food options make it hard. Last year I got there later in the day to a festivity and they had ordered pizza. They got all meat and it ticked me off. My bf said “oh someone else ordered so I just had to get what they wanted” even though the person who ordered got like five pizzas and I don’t think they would’ve minded. It made me feel he doesn’t support me there and didn’t want to help me feel better or more comfortable.

Why can’t I just be happy and peaceful with him

Relationship Stress / by heatlightning

August 7th, 2022

...See more Why does this same cycle occur how can I break it? When we met yes it was a tumultuous time after the death of my partner but I pretended to be perfectly ready because a part of me thought I was I couldn’t stand the thought of not immediately going across the country to be with my new love I thought he at least took time to heal from his past relationship that hurt him when she broke it off after going to college. I thought. A year and a half in I look at his computer and find old texts from right after they broke up and realized he’s no different than I am. There must’ve been seven different girls he tried to replace her with. Said how he went back home to be with family but it seems he already had a girl lined up for him when he got back? He’s never told me about this but putting it together it’s obvious. And just like me grabbing at straws from the past he seemed to think they were meant to be cause of having a mutual crush in high school that nothing came of i guess she wasn’t as interested cause obviously nothing came of it then after her there was another girl from tinder I guess, and then even a close family friend he saw like a cousin. And that’s not counting the one right after his breakup before going back home who had a baby and he was ready to date her even though that made no sense. And the other girl he met before going back home who he told me about once she reached back out to him as a friend And then the one right before me who he felt used him and wasn’t really a good match He thinks the past doesn’t matter that he doesn’t want to hear my past cause it’s irrelevant and he quote isn’t in a place to listen without being jealous whereas he told me much of his past when I asked (not the part of these girls that nothing became of) but I just feel he lied because he acted like he had been so self focused on healing and then I realized just like me he tried to find healing in a new person each time and the insecurities he still carries from the actual ex like I have to live by certain rules so I don’t make him worry he’s losing me I just wish he didn’t worry that but I have to admit I think of people from the past and it’s weird because usually I don’t i don’t know why a week ago the depression came on and I started thinking about the most unknown person. Well I guess because when it’s unknown you don’t know what kind of fit you would’ve been a hookup but he acted so clingy from the get go saying he wanted to take me home to his family. It was so off putting. Now it’s like I wonder what if what if he had been more aligned I know it’s not right to throw love away or put love at risk over something like that I just wish these thoughts weren’t my coping mechanism cause it makes me distant from my partner knowing full well no one will cure or solve issues but we both are so similar enablers in that sense Just somehow it seems he doesn’t think about those people or things or what ifs anymore But he thinks I’m sketchy cause this depression made me distant

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