idontknowASCP510 Member Profile

...See more So I'm not really sure about things. My life is a constant state of uncertainty, and gets harder and harder to break the cycle of it each day. What little family I have is almost completely ambivalent to what goes on with me, and I have no friends because of a history of making really bad ones or because I just don't click with anyone. It's been like that for my entire life, and it didn't start to affect me until I reached adulthood. The effects intensified every year, and I'm at the point where I have and will burn myself out just to change ANYTHING. Even if it's something that seems as simple as making sure my wifi doesn't bonk out or trying to have a consistent eating habit, or an eating habit PERIOD. I'm in a crack that the world let me fall down because I couldn't tell there was ever a crack. Now I feel the plates of the world crushing me, and it's harder and harder to climb out. I didn't grow up liking myself, I didn't grow up with emotional support, I didn't grow up thinking I was anything or that I was even a person. I simply followed instructions and didn't think anything else of it. It wasn't until I no longer had any instructions to follow that I realized how much I relied on them. I relied on them so much that I needed them back, but with that self-awareness, I became aware that those instructions were harming me for my entire life. Now I still need instruction, but I'm having to put in so much effort to MAKE them...but nothing gets better. Nothing seems to work, and I can't tell if it's because I made a mistake or if it fell apart because no one wanted to help me - even when I would ask, and asking felt like the most harmful thing to do. Harmful to others, not myself. I once asked my mom to help me learn about filing taxes, and she acted like I was giving her a root canal. I feel like such an inconvenience in the universe because I simply exist, and it goes against my feelings. I basically have a list of all the things I think could be wrong with me, several theories. I can trace my life and connect my behaviors to everything, but there's still this variable I can't quantify. That variable is myself. I've always been a bit different, but I changed when I was so young, that I don't have any idea if I would even BE different from THAT if my life didn't fall apart. I am a deeply depressed and anxious individual, and I don't know if I have autism or some disorders or a cocktail of things going on in my head that make it too difficult to identify them, individually. And people are just different, right? Even if they don't have anything going on, they have different ways of being who they are. I don't know how to delineate those shades and overlaps. I don't think they CAN. It's like saying which color was added first to make orange: red or yellow? Or is it a trick question and it was already orange to begin with? I don't have people to trust. I don't have the confidence or self-management to take care of myself. I was so neglected growing up, that I'm playing catch-up in having skills to work a job that I CAN work. I didn't grow up with exposure or productive hobbies, and I didn't occur to me to have those. I just...sat and waited to be told what to do, because I thought anything I did would be wrong otherwise. I can't see anyone about it because I can't travel, I can't drive, I live in a town where there's barely even a supermarket. I can't pay for something like getting an answer to if I'm autistic and a mess, or just a plain mess. Even if I could, I'm SO paranoid about having some evaluation or diagnosis with my name on it, because that means there's something out there in the world that could harm me or my opportunities. It might be slightly irrational, but I feel more secure knowing that my privacy is in my head and my head alone. But I can't figure any of it out. And it doesn't seem possible to figure out, because HOW can someone tell the difference in something about me when I can't even tell the difference? I'm the only one I have who knows what I've felt or what I've done or why I've done them, and even I can't be so sure I fit into this label or that label. I don't know, and I could be wrong, and so could somebody else. I don't have that security.

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