ijustdontcareanymore Member Profile

...See more this is going to be really long so i apologize in advance. so i got broken up with a couple of days ago by my ex who's also been my best friend for years now. we were together for almost two years and have been best friends for much longer than that (almost four years). the one thing we've always agreed on is that we'd want to be in each other's life no matter what, which is why i was initially really hesitant to tell him i liked him and didn't want us to date for a few months after i finally told him. after we broke up, he said that he still wants me in his life because he wants us to be friends (which i want as well) and that the only reason he broke up with me now is because he didn't want things to get worse to the point where we'd start feeling really resentful of each other and hate each other. we both still care about and love each other. so to briefly explain what happened: i felt like he wasn't spending enough time with me/texting me/calling me, etc. for almost a year and from the very beginning i tried communication how i felt and how i wasn't okay with this. there would always be something or the other because of which he wouldn't be able to be here as often as i wanted (he told me he felt awful about it as well) and that led me to feel constantly unsupported, unloved, uncared for, and just really like he wasn't prioritizing me/us enough. i tried my best to be understanding. i do have a lot of mental health problems and the past year i've had a lot going on, i was pretty depressed and often not in the best headspace so i would get really frustrated with us not spending time together. in december, i hit rock bottom and couldn't even get out of bed most days, he was really busy around this time because he had some important exams so i understood he wouldn't be around much. however, after the exams i thought we'd be able to talk and spend time together which didn't happen, i was so hurt by the constant feeling of rejection and we ended up fighting and arguing every day in the last week of december and he asked me for some space to think about this. later he asked me for a break (which was completely unlike him, whenever i'd ask for a break due to mental health reasons, he wasn't happy about it and wanted me to be open and talk to him, but i did go on breaks whenever i needed) and i genuinely thought we were going to break up. the next day i was in a really bad headspace (as a result of depression and the stress due to our relationship) and did something that seemed harmless in the moment while trying to vent to a few friends, but really i think i was wrong and i know it must have felt like a betrayal. he found out (i wasn't trying to hide it or anything, someone told him about it, but as we were on a break that he wanted i wanted to respect his wishes and would've told him after our break myself had he not found out on his own) and was understandably upset, said he felt like he couldn't trust me and broke up with me but later also said he wanted us to be friends. i'm really conflicted because i'm hurting and i know he is too and i don't know what to do right now, even though i want to be in his life as well. as of now, i've asked him for space for a few weeks so i can mentally be a bit more stable. after this, i suggested we just try to work on our friendship and in a few months we'll get back to talking about how he feels about trusting me. so that's what we're doing. i've been doing a lot of thinking lately and i've realized that i do want him in my life. in my heart, i genuinely believe that we're meant to be together and i know that if that's the case we'll work through this and find our way back to each other. but i also know that right now we are both hurt because of things we said and did to each other and need this time to heal, process and see what our future looks like (staying friends, getting back together, etc.). again, deep down, i know we're meant to be together and i want us to both be in a position where we're happy and feel good and can genuinely say we want to be together instead of it being caused by the pain we're feeling right now. i just feel like to move forward, we both need to talk about the unresolved feelings and problems we've faced (not immediately but eventually when we're ready to start becoming friends again) and i hope that i can move past the hurt i felt all those months and he can find a way to trust me again (of course we will both have to work for each other to feel that way). but also, even though i love him enough to want him to be happy no matter what, i don't know what i'd do if he'd want to move on with someone else. my love for him (even just as my best friend) is unconditional but i'm also selfish enough to want him to be happy with me. and i think if he were to move on with someone else, i wouldn't be able to cope with that, no matter how much time has passed and in that case, i'd have to completely cut him out of my life, which hurts to think about. the thing is i haven't been a complete saint in our relationship, either. due to my mental health problems and trauma caused by my family/childhood/upbringing, i have struggled with telling him what's wrong when i feel upset. he always wanted to be here for me, and help me (and he has helped me a lot in the past four years). he is someone who genuinely cared and was an amazing, loving and understanding person, a constant source of light and happiness in my life. he was incredibly patient with me and i couldn't always communicate very well like he wanted, sometimes i'd get really upset and shut down, sometimes i'd start being passive aggressive with him when i felt upset about something between us. i know i haven't been the best girlfriend. 2022 has been a really difficult year for me mentally and only in december i was able to realize how ungrounded, distracted and suffocated i'd been feeling and i think i did wear him down quite a bit. i know that as a person i'm really sensitive and just a lot overall. i realize that being with me hasn't always been the easiest thing for him. except what i've described^ and the last couple of months in our relationship, he's been an amazing best friend and boyfriend and i couldn't be more grateful to have someone like him in my life. i guess i'm just looking for any help i can get based on my current situation, help with how to process and talk about our relationship (when we're ready) would also be really helpful. feel free to pm me as well. thanks :)

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