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Day 3 of writing my life down. (p.s.- not my fault, I forgot the password to my 7cups account... finally this permutation worked)

General Support / by inaudibleocean

April 14th, 2024

...See more So, this time its 2 months since day 2, which is less than 4 months, which means I made progress right? I guess. Anyways life is *** as usual, I have my end sems in a month, but I can't study I really can't. I wrote down the date sheet on my desk so it's accessible and I don't know how did my one re-appear exam ended up on 12th June when it actually is on 17 may. I swear I double checked, and it was 12-06-24. How can the dates be updated on a pdf that was downloaded and saved in my laptop? that's messed up, I probably need sleep. I already oversleep anyway. I got a new phone and I thought this would be in the positive list but today, its screen blanked out. It's working but there's no display and there's a possibility I could lose everything on that phone.... everything! All that happened because I tried to change its wallpaper and theme.... I mean that's *** up? why would this make my phone black out??? A new phone that has been used for less than a month. I am doing Electronics engineering and I'm so dumb to pick a weird phone model that stopped in just a month of purchase? I'm already a failed Engineer if nothing else. What else is bad? I'm depressed, the usual... the placement season starts this August, and I don't think any company will pick me with such an empty resume (I know I should start "focusing" and "work hard". guess what? I'm a loser and cannot! that is the whole problem!!). Also, I got a guy finally after being alive on this planet for almost 21 years but here's the deal, my crush of 5 months confessed me on valentines that he likes me but says "that's all". He doesn't want a relationship or anything serious that could affect his perfect 9-point CGPA... (I guess he's right! there's a reason he's a 9 pointer). But that also means that I finally have someone in college that I can call my friend... or a close person. The only person I had as a close friend until before that (and even now I have her) is my childhood bestie whose college has collaboratively decided with my college to never let our *** schedules align! So that's all for the update, but I think now it's time for the "deep sharing paragraph". Remind me again why am I writing this as if I'm an author writing a novel? Anyway, it's not like it's getting published, no one even knows who I am. Maybe you're reading this, and we meet each other daily but you don't know that girl that doesn't look down or depressed or anxious is this INAUDIBLE OCEAN. You know I started digging down in my life to try to understand what's wrong, where did it all go wrong? how did the girl who got all straight 'A's till 10th and got a scholar badge for 6 consecutive years even end up having two failed backlogs and a 6.5 CGPA (I calculated assuming my marks... I don't even know if that's true, it could be lower! a lot lower!). So, I asked myself, what happened in grade 10? and I think that eventually answered some of my questions. For all the non-Indians here, listen up, in India, 10th grade is very important as you give your first ever board examination which is supposed to actually prepare you for the 12th boards.... but they make a huge deal out of it. My mom wanted me to get good in there for which I worked hard. I left my Karate academy, which as my instructor said could even open my gates to Olympics (he believed I had it in me to maybe get there though, I think it's the biggest delusion he was in). I joined tuitions, stopped going outside and just focused on studying still heard from her that I don't study. I was already in the overweight category but had shifted to obese and that obesity led to me having period problems (excess pain, skipped cycles, brown blood clots) too much. I wore 3XL and shopped for in the plus size category. I worked my *** off and gave the exams. the results come by May and the new session for grade 11 started in April. I got in PCM Science (Physics-Chemistry-Mathematics) (Check Day 2 for that story) and was doing good until the result day. Mom didn't expect me to get much, she just prayed I get above 90%, to be fair 92% so it doesn't look like the edge. Here's the deal with her actually, since years she's been always blaming me if I don't get good marks but when I do, saying that God gave you marks and you scored well only because God mercies. I mean I know she has her beliefs but that doesn't mean she should disregard my hard work and efforts. Even the year we had 3 deaths in our family (Grandpa, Grandma and Uncle) which obviously affected me coz I'm a human and still managed being on the edge and mom said I didn't study, God saved me a scholar badge! seriously. So anyway, we were in May and the result was released... I got a whole 96% more than she could expect or think or anything, and she was so happy she couldn't stop smiling and being proud which made me very happy that I finally made mom happy, unless the mother of a friend of mine came home to congratulate me. Her daughter got 96.8%, the other two of my friends got 96.2% and 97.4%, all more than me, I think you can guess what happened next. I saw the smile on my mom's face drop, which broke my heart. She was not happy anymore, even in the scholar badge ceremony, while I was on stage from below the stage, she whispered... you're standing after them all! That was the first stab on the chest of the student inside me who managed to stay alive all along but now was getting murdered. But one stab won't affect right? yeah, she didn't die but certainly got weak which made my grades fall more and made my mom stab more in my chest. The FIITJEE thing, the online classes in lockdown, me being the covid batch who didn't give 12th boards, so the teacher's son got more than me who didn't deserve coz the grades were up to the school to make. All of these were stabs which killed, literally murdered the student in me. And the next thing I knew, the Physics topper of her high school failed Physics in the first semester of engineering college and I'm just trying to survive since, only hoping it would one day get better. Hopefully. Wow this one got a bit big and I understand if no one reads it, I mean to be honest, even I wouldn't read if a post is that *** long. But it's fine... I didn't write this for anyone to read. So, I guess, I'll meet you guys probably at my next meltdown on Day 4 after I guess a few months probably. funny? no I'm bad at comedy too! Peace X, Ocean

Day 2 of writing my life down. (p.s.- it's been 4 months since day 1 lol)

General Support / by inaudibleocean

February 5th, 2024

...See more So, the 'yyyy' of all my devices changed but I still couldn't manage to write a day 2 of this thing that I started God knows why. Anyway, it's not like I have a very good record of keeping with the things I start, and they eventually are lost somewhere in the void but at least I gave this one a second try, I should be appreciated for this. Also, I have a physical diary (that got an entry yesterday after being lonely since 2021), a pen-drive having a few files also having some vent outs, and then my sketch book, and a doodle diary, a OneNote notebook, and probably some more too that I can't think of right now. In the span of 8 years post teenage, I have occasionally penned down stuff a lot of times, not until now I realized that it can be a good way of looking back at life. Wow I just wrote nonsense till now. So, coming to the point (my life; not exactly a point but let's not get there right now) another puzzle piece about my life is kind of similar actually, I am usually stressed and confused, try multiple things and fail at all, even in my career. When the 14 year old me who was incapable of choosing her outfit for the next day (according to mom) was given the responsibility of choosing her life's career path and just then I casually mumbled 'Science', my entire family cheered in celebration, it was like a festival, mom was happy that I didn't choose humanities because she thought I'd take that as I was very good at it and looked passionate about it (I don't know how it wasn't a concern that I am choosing something I'm not passionate about, but after all its science, a field parents force their kid into in India) . I honestly just chose it because until then it was easy, scoring and got me good grades, and now I regret it. I regret it all. Since then, though eventually my interest in doing things (not only academic but general) started dropping. I didn't realize it then but now I can figure that out, 24/7 distracted brain, zero concentration and along with all that, the pressure from family. And now when I want to try to get into something I just fail, I tried changing careers by learning new skills required for them, but I just can't. I am not able to tolerate anything (idk if it's the correct word to use or not). I start something new, I learn basics, I go little higher, I get triggered and irritated that I can't do it, I get depressed, I quit learning it, I get into my isolating-my-emotions phase, I try to motivate myself, try another new thing and fail again, all in a loop. It's come to a point that I hate talking about careers to anyone. If someone talks about t, I just can't take it and ignore it or change the topic. Also, now I am scared to start another new thing I have developed interest in since a while now, but I can't, I just can't. Well, I tried ending this one at a happy note as well like Day 1 but guess what? I failed in that too. Anyways, I got to go for dinner. Love X, Ocean

Day 1 of writing my life down. (p.s.- I am not always this serious)

General Support / by inaudibleocean

September 25th, 2023

...See more Sometimes you often feel stuck, but you don't know where. Often, it's the people you love who can't get it. I love my family, but they do stuff to PROTECT me that's actually harming me. They usually say that all parents are strict, but as I grow, I have seen other parents mature along with their kids, they understand that their child is growing as well and might face things that were initially NOT ALLOWED. It took me time, but I soon realized my parents are different from all of them. They didn't grow I still have the same rules I had when I was a teenager and yeah, I live with them. Sometimes I feel maybe I will never be able to leave this house and this city, like I'll be stuck here forever, my mom will find probably a good guy and make me marry him to live my life FREELY. I hate to break it to you but yeah, I don't have the control of my life and I think I never will. I am just an AI deployed to control MY life according to the algorithm stored in me by her to an extent that now I don't even need to think to know what she would wasn't from me. I am not saying she's bad, she is good she cares for me but just doesn't know that her CARE is becoming like an invisible leash around me. I don't blame her, she is a middle child whose dad died when she was 8, her mom worked harder to provide her three kids but that deprived my mom any knowledge about parenting. I sometimes feel that maybe I'm just overthinking it and maybe the problem is that I am lazy, but sometimes something in me just tells me otherwise. Well, that's it, I guess. I have a lot to say but I guess the post is already too big for other sides of my life. I don't in any way mean to say that I am the victim here, I am not fully right, I have a lot of shades to myself as well, but I have no clue how to get over it and watching classic rom-com movie and series adaptations isn't the way. Ending on a funny note to conclude with a slight laugh. Peace X, Ocean

loving the vibe here

Newbie Hub / by inaudibleocean

May 26th, 2023

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