independentBalsam5765 Member Profile

...See more ***Sorry I am always very wordy when writing anything since I never really talk to anyone in person even if I have a lot to say.*** I have felt some form of depression and anxiety for as long as I can remember. I have not had any close relationship with anyone. I am 26 male and dont have anyone I can talk about anything with. I try to bottle all my emotions up and hide it from everyone until it comes pouring out of me; usually through crying myself to self. I have always felt I was not worth taking up other peoples time to talk about my issues so even if I had someone, I was comfortable talking with I would never initialize and talks with them. I have also been very paranoid that if I would mention my feeling to anyone, they would tell others what I would tell them in private. To make things worse, I spend 90% of my time in hotel rooms due to my job, predominantly in the US and Canada. I am usually working on my own. I travel around working on machinery usually in a new location every week. In the first 4 months of 2020 I have spent 98 nights in hotels. I continue to work even with the virus shutdown because my mo achines are in many essential processing plants. While I am on any given job site I become too busy to have time to think about my situation so I feel semi-normal until I get back to my hotel room Today why driving 13hrs to my next customer site I was listening to my usual podcasts when a story came up that brought me to tears while driving. A man lost his son at the young age of 15 and was talking about his process of grieving by finding his sons online presents and scarping any memories of his son he can fid from his social media and friends which he was able to find many things to help him grieve. This really hit me because if anything happened to me there would be nothing that would be found for me. I have no more the 5 photos of myself added anywhere on the internet because I hate having me pictures taken since I can see my pain, I feel in any picture of myself even if no one else can. I dont have any friends that can be talked to that actually know anything about me even though I have many people as friends on my social media. I have made fewer than 10 post anywhere on the internet. I am feeling worse every day and my post shift responsibilities are slipping causing me to not be preforming very well on all of my job responsibilities. I am feeling more overwhelmed with everything right now. The post I see people making about how miserable during these times of social distancing for them does not help at all because it just shows me how I always have felt and I dont think anyone truly knows how I am doing. The only people that check up on me are my parents while I am on my trips and I try to say as little as possible so they dont worry or find out how bad things are. I want to try and use this as a way I can express my true feelings to anyone that wants to read it while staying completely anonymous. I would like to see if this will help me feel any better.

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