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indigohome
302 M Embraced 2
PathStep 6 Compassion hearts13 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes7 Current upvotes7 Age GroupAdult Last activeMarch, 2016 Member sinceMarch 1, 2016
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How do you move on? (explicit content, may trigger)
Trauma Support / by indigohome
Last post
 March 8th, 2016
...See more How do you move on? I would love suggestions.. especially from those who have experienced some of my own experiences .. Or those educated on the subjects.. my sexual assault(s) story begins at age 12 ; I swam competitively from age 10 until 15, on the city's team that I grew up in. I was a very good competitor and trained with some of the older age groups because of this. How well I was doing in the pool and during school hours changed dramatically for me one evening, the late summer before my 13th birthday. I had a giant crush on one guy in particular on the team, I believe he was 16 at the time .. He also lived in my neighbourhood - within a 15 minute walk. We found ourselves chatting one night online as we had done many times in the past.. As I did with most of my team mates. The conversation turned in to a lot of flirting .. Which initiated (his idea) to meet at our nearby old elementary school to 'hang out' . We did so, walked around the school chatting.. Ended up sitting in a wooded area of the yard (most of us playing amongst the big granite rocks as kids at that school). We started to kiss, my second time ever making out with another.. Consensual. Until he drove his left hand down my pants and started quickly feeling around. My off guard reaction of immediately pulling his hand out caused him to get upset with me,and call me disgusting. We both stood up and he left. I half walked half ran home .. Not knowing what to think or feel or do. I buried that so deeply after being tormented by others, after this guy decided to tell his male friends all about the encounter and how disgusting he felt my crotch was... I had forgotten about it for over 10 years before I was triggered in to remembering . i was triggered because it happened again.. After suffering two huge losses within weeks of each other, I moved back to my hometown promptly to be with family and friends .. One particular acquaintance of about 9-10 years was doing his usual gig on a night a group of my friends dragged me out for drinks and music at a regular spot. This guy at the end of the night took my phone, placed his number in it and it was a nightmare from then on. He was all over the map, leading me on his roller coaster ... Lies above and beyond. I have never felt more manipulated by a person I believed to be a decent human. I had enjoyed everything he had shown to me and others for years.. We started to have consensual sex and chat daily, it was fun. He showed up to my place one night after work (a 4-5am hour) and we began to have sex for a second time since this had begun. During the sex [explicit content removed] The swirling storm of lies continued and he again had me at a point where I believed I was doing something wrong .. He did this so well it happened two more times. He tormented me and stalked me online once I pulled myself out of his black hole and called him out despite still being made daily to believe that this was all my doing; that I had done this to him AND brought it on myself .. It was the most trying time of my life... I still suffer daily from the trauma of the entire relationship between us.. I am still too afraid to charge him, although I have a feeling I am not the only woman he has done this too.. It all makes me sick to think about. Due to my own health issue at the time (a discovered blood clot during emergency ultrasound) and finding out I was pregnant during that ultrasound ... I crumbled mentally. I have always supported choice, and still do. I personally did not ever want to have an abortion. I have always taken precaution to prevent pregnancy.... I felt I had no choice but to follow through with the decision to terminate at 2 months along. It still follows me daily as this took place in January, only a day past my birthday. I still have to see him on a very regular basis, and it's hard. I feel like he raped me.. In so many ways. ............. in summary ... and I apologize for length.. I am feeling rather stuck with the weight of it all. Despite all therapy and well being exercises I partake in.. The heavy does not seem to lift . I feel lost . thank you, to all of you reading this... it had to be let out 💙
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