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intellectualDime5275
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PathStep 1 Compassion hearts16 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes6 Current upvotes6 Age GroupAdult Last activeNovember, 2026 Member sinceOctober 29, 2026
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What am I doing wrong?! Am I doing too much?
Family & Caregivers / by intellectualDime5275
Last post
 2 days ago
...See more Trigger warnings: contains discussions of addiction, sexual assault, pornography    Background:  I am a 41 yo divorced mom of one. My son turned 18 in the spring and graduated HS with good grades.  He is incredibly smart, AuDHD and struggles with impulse and addiction issues (specifically around porn) Because of this addiction and impulse control issues I dealt with constant lying, manipulation, extreme boundary violation's (ex watching corn on my bed using my computer while I was in the bathroom). He was caught on camera at school forcing a girl to touch him inappropriately.   Because of the lies and behavior I made it clear that he could not live with me after graduation until he took steps to change.   I had tried everything his therapist suggested, I tried everything that I could to get him to just be accountable for his actions.   He saw a psychiatrist who specialized in help for kids and young adults with addiction and sexual impulse issues.   As soon as he turned 18 he decided he was cured of it all and I found out recently that he stopped taking his meds.   Since he graduated high school, he has been living with my parents and taking online courses   I am paying for those courses as long as he maintains his scholarship that covers more than 80% of his tuition. With that promise, he gave me permission to access his Google and school accounts (for observation and accountability purposes)  This week we had to take a long round trip, 14 hours in the car. We left at 1 am and when my son got in the car I made it clear that GParents rules still apply (no device after 1am)    He says they dropped the rule and I told him I noticed his online activity was extending into the early morning hours, but I would not be waiving the rule. We talked about some things that related to school and the way that he is communicating with his GParents and me is causing confusion and issues.   I dropped him off at my parents house at the end of the trip and encouraged him to communicate honestly (w/ me, my parents, his psychiatrist) and to be more active in his own education.   Later in the evening I contact my mom and say. Hey Son said you dropped the phone rule, is that true?   Mom replied that they had not and asked if I knew about something.  So I shared that I had looked at the last 5 days and all but 1, he was using it to as late as 7am. I remind her and my dad this isn’t the first lie he’s been caught in and he isn’t being honest about his treatment with the psychiatrist, or with me and them.   The lying started within days of moving in with them and this is the pattern that I had been trying to address for 4 years before he turned 18.   My dad says looking at his usage and history is disrespectful and an invasive.  When I remind him that my son gave me access to it for this exact reason, my dad then says that my mom was wrong about the rule, they trusted him, my son didn’t lie and he didn’t do anything wrong (but he will be held to account for using his phone after 1am).   By the end of the conversation I was in tears and I was not being heard. I finished it off with, honest communication is not happening with anyone in my son’s life - me, my parents or his psychiatrist and he’s not taking any accountability for his actions (and inactions in school).   If he cannot communicate honestly or take accountability then he is just going to cycle through the same behavior again and again until he destroys the whole relationship    Agree to honesty, accountability - slowly and quietly break agreements until impulse gives way and he gets caught- blame the agreement - blame the other parties - agree to be more honesty and accountability.  Rinse and repeat. Lies ranged from minor (homework, deodorant) to serious things that had some serious consequences. Before he was 18 rules for my house were not crazy  - no porn in public areas of the house(allowed in his bedroom), no phone 90 minutes before lights out, and he set his grade expectations for his classes each semester.  Lights out was based upon reasonable expectations (usually between 10:30 and 12:00 on school days).  If he breaks the rules to watch porn in the living room, he would have restrictions on access to electronic devices in the living room.  So if he was playing on his computer or phone we could monitor his activity.  He got caught looking at porn at school, so we had to restrict all content on his phone to PG13 during school hours.  Restrictions were imposed but mostly temporary and were lifted for him based on modeling positive behavior. Tl;dr: I feel like I’ve been reasonable in my parenting, and sometimes lenient for the situation, but the most reasonable person I know just called me invasive and disrespectful to my son.  Have I been doing too much, am I wrong?  I feel like just walking away from this and not supporting the school accountability system we had, but that feels awful and like I’m abandoning my son.   I want him to succeed but I also know if he doesn’t change, he’s making it harder to do that, if not impossible.   
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