intuitiveDog8331 Member Profile

...See more Before you read, I apologize for the wording, length, and clarity. I'm writing this without a clear head so I can't judge my writing well enough right now. I saw a post of someone mentioning their friend not talking as much as they used to and worrying that they'll never be back. I won't reword everything because it was a very long post, but I completely understand everything the friend did in it. I am that friend in my relationships. I withdraw, log off and back on, go quiet without explaination, take down my profiles, change my appearance, etc all the time. Those are some of the only things that make me feel better anymore. I don't have hobbies right now. I spend my time alone in my room, I have an average screentime that ranges from a few hours to all day. I feel like my vision has gotten worse from it. I'll scroll endlessly, listen to music, play games on my phone, or even rearrange my room if I have the energy. This is what I call a good day, unless I sleep through it. The reason why I stay in my room and don't go socialize is because I'm afraid of who will judge me. I've never been popular and I live in a small town. So when I want to leave the house it feels pointless. I don't have friends and the nearest place to go is a gas station across town. As well as some family drama which caused me to move five times in under a year. Which really got to me. I've been asked why I don't care about how I affect other people, but I do. I have a mental block that won't let me be happy or involve myself with other people because I'll drag the mood down. I know it hurts others for me to repeatedly leave but I use the fact that I come back as an excuse. The only thing that feels right is leaving. So, in some attempts at trying to make new friends, I'd join group spaces just to say hi, get ignored, delete all my text, leave, and try again with a new one because I'm so socially regressed the pressure of talking in a conversation now feels impossible. Every day I wake up feeling like a horrible person because I know I'm just getting in my own way and breaking my relationships, but I can't stop. Maybe I'm selfish but I'm so terrified of being hurt that I do everything in my power to stop it. Sometimes I wish I didn't push certain friends away, but another part of me knows it's probably in their best interest. I had painful experiences growing up that wore me down, so now I struggle. My identity shifts a lot so in a desperate attempt to feel like myself, I act on my thoughts without thinking. Rather than, "maybe I should leave my hair alone because I've wanted it to look like this for months" I think, "well hair grows back so why not experiment?". I guess I like to justify my bad actions by watering them down. I don't know what else to add honestly. There's so much more to say but I really want to get my life in order and be a good person. The issue is that I only have one close relationship, everyone else I've blocked or refuse to read the messages of. It pains me that I've gotten this low and I wish I never have. I want to be better but I don't know where to start anymore. I need guidance and motivation. For anyone who has someone like me in their life and needs advice, I'd say it's a tightrope walk between being there and letting them get space without things getting heavier. You really can't tell when you're supposed to go or stay. So, stay and if it's alright, tell them you're there. Keep in mind with some people, the more messages means more stress.

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