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intuitiveFan2816
489 M Embraced 4
PathStep 15 Compassion hearts66 Forum posts16 Forum upvotes44 Current upvotes44 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2023 Member sinceApril 11, 2023
Bio

healing CPTSD.

Recent forum posts
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Lonely and overwhelmed
Depression Support / by intuitiveFan2816
Last post
 August 14th, 2023
...See more I got really sick from COVID, I lost my job, I got evicted and lost most of my things, I am homeless and unable to work. My family sees me as a failure, they do not like to help me and they see me as a burden. Every time I speak of my situation they act like it is my fault this happened to me and I need to “find a life plan” like I didn’t have one going smoothly before I got more sick. I am working on getting on disability, I feel abandoned, I feel like I am not seen, I am so depressed. I feel not worthy of being alive and less than human because of how my family treats me. Is there hope to find people who will be there for me even though I am sick and homeless?
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I spent all day making soup
General Support / by intuitiveFan2816
Last post
 August 15th, 2023
...See more this morning I harvested vegetables and herbs from our gardens, I spent all day preparing soup and bread shaped like ghosts for dinner, I am really proud of everything and how it tastes, it is beautiful. I am feeling down because it is just me at dinner, no one else in the household came. I find myself lonely a lot like this, I try not to hate myself for it but my thoughts always go to self hatred, like I spent all day doing this and constantly nurturing the soup. My partner will not even come sit outside with me while I eat, they will not eat it because there is a zucchini in it and I forgot they do not eat zucchini. The other two people are asleep I think. Everyone knew I was making the soup and when everything would be ready. It is a really good meal and I am super proud of it I just have no one to share it with and that feels upsetting. I come here for solidarity, for recognition of my labor, and for cheering up I love harvest season and cooking to celebrate
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CW: sexual abuse. Recovering from transphobia torture.
LGBTQ+ / MOGII Support / by intuitiveFan2816
Last post
 June 7th, 2023
...See more There was an adult, I feel I remember them staying with my uncle on my moms side. I was a child, I would ask for help with something I feel like was a medical necessity, I felt I could trust them but it turned out I could not, I feel I remember them touching my genitalia inappropriately and forcing me to tell them I was “a girl”, even when I was younger I recognized my genitalia did not define who I am, this adult felt it did and used societal norms to repeatedly sexually assault me. They would make me feel good “helping” relieve a medical issue and calling me beautiful etc. making sure lighting was good, making sure I had pillows, only if I complied to saying back to them I was a girl. It felt all a manipulation to change how I am. I am not a girl because I have certain parts, I would tell them that and they would punish me, if I shut up and took it and complied then I would get praise. It feels like extreme torture perspecticide abuse to make a situation comfortable and nice in ways I asked so I could find relief but then forcing me to say something I am not, forcing me to submit to societal expectations of gender and my body, it broke my spirit, I have no idea how to recover from this. How do I get justice for what was done to me? I feel like I tried when I was a kid but no one took me seriously I feel like they said “we will see how you feel when you are older”, I am older now and I realize what happened to me was evil and bad and no one should ever be subjected to that torture.
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A source of my social anxiety, my fault?🌿
Anxiety Support / by intuitiveFan2816
Last post
 May 10th, 2023
...See more I moved across country to a safe place where I am praying they do not know where I am. I am recovering from burnout, I am reprogramming from perspecticide and reoccurring psychological abuse I had felt unable to escape from. I am learning to find stability and be confident in knowing what I know again. I still feel a deep sense of terror that the person who tried to erase me will find me, they kept coming back and apologizing for how they harmed me and every time I forgave them, even when I was advised to continue to ignore them. I am scared and I do not know how to move on from the abuse and interact with people again without panicking and shutting down. 🌷 this is my story; (for purposes of anonymity all pronouns here are they/them and emojis are names) I met 🧿 when my friend 🌱 introduced them as their new partner. I had a close and joyful friendship with 🌱 and I wanted to support them. 🧿 told us they had nowhere to go, I had space for them to crash for a little while so I welcomed them into my home. The situation turned bad, part of what I have been working on within myself is recovering knowing what I know after being gaslit and fighting perspecicide/psychological abuse from 🧿. They stayed off and on in their relationship with 🌱, I noticed 🌱 becoming unmotivated and depressed, I am sorry to 🌱 that I was unable to see what 🧿 was doing to them, to both of us, I am so sorry. 🧿 was living with me off and on, would show up to move back in whenever they needed it and I always welcomed them despite feeling my boundaries being pushed, I did not want to have them suffer homelessness. They would do awful things to me, continuously push me to drink alcohol when I was trying to become sober and try and get me drunk, and I would break off ties, I tried several times, I would tell them I wish you well; I can not continue this friendship for my heath please leave me alone, every time they found a way to contact me again, even going as far as to show up at my work and my home uninvited, and give a tearful apology and claim they had changed. I kept forgiving them, they have trauma and so do I and I felt “treat others how you want to be treated” fit here and I wanted to show mercy to a struggling person. I am hurt because of the level of manipulation from 🧿 has left my memory distorted, I have been unable to know my reality. There were times after I broke off the relationship for the FINAL time that I believed I could hear 🧿 talking/screaming/crying outside my window, sometimes with other people. I stopped going outside out of fear they might try to get me back. I experienced 🧿 manipulating me into saying things I did not mean or were not true, I feel like a liar, I feel scared that I could be so easily manipulated without knowing what was going on, I thought I was strong and I do not know how I could keep falling for the mess over and over and over. I feel like the abuse I endured is my fault, I believe 🧿 has tried to get other people to hate me, showing people out of context messages where I do not believe I was honest or I was fawning as a trauma response so they would not harm me further or they would not be sad, I felt responsible for their emotions. 🧿 has tried to tell me that I was the one in the wrong, I was bad, and I was doing exactly what they/or other abusers had done when I really thought I was not and have been told by my therapists and psychiatrist that I was not, they told friends of mine I was hurtful and they believed them, I lost those friends, I deleted all of my socials because I feel 🧿 had spies looking for anything to get me. I have been walking on eggshells, I feel I do not know how to exist. I feel 🧿 has worked with others to attempt cursing me, I live in fear of the memories and possibly that 🧿 will find me and drain me. 🧿 hurt my partner and I was too wrapped up in 🧿’s mess to listen to my partner and break ties, 🧿 made me promise I would never leave them because when my partner joined my life they were afraid of getting abandoned. 🧿 would tell my partner all the time how they wished they were together with me and they wanted to have sex with me. 🧿 would tell 🌱 all the time the same thing despite the stress it caused 🌱, I was not interested in 🧿 in that way but it was something they constantly pushed. I feel week and I do not know if I will be able to feel safe around people anymore, I feel anxious every day that 🧿 is continuing to spread false lies about me. I do not have the ability to even defend myself due to the biological stress from perspecticide I endured from 🧿. How do I get the ability to know what I know again? How do I remove 🧿’s influence over me? I am scared and I do not know how to move on. How do I stop blaming myself, is it my fault? Am I bad because I allowed 🧿 to use me in ways that hurt others? I could not see what they were doing and I feel played, I feel miserable and ashamed with myself because of 🧿, I cry because I know my actions under their influence were not good, I feel like I was setting myself on fire to keep them warm. I am scared of this happening again with other people, I do not know how to get people to stop hurting me like this, how do I get them to stop preying on me? I have tried to isolate, I have tried to learn how to be not nice, I have tried to be a different person, I have tried constantly stating my boundaries, ghosting harmful people committed to misunderstanding me, it does not work. I was fragile before 🧿 in my friendships due to having no stable or healthy relationships growing up. I felt I had a close friend for a while and then it turned out it was not what I thought, I feel I hurt that friend with my ignorance on what friendships were supposed to be and with my immaturity. I am sorry for hurting them. I have actively worked since that time to do and be a better person and heal. In my life I have not had the ability to build stable friendships. Both my parents were military, we moved and I changed schools every couple of years, I feel I was always in fight or flight, I was constantly bullied, I have always had problems trusting people and knowing what to do in social situations as someone who has endured multiple reoccurring traumas and as someone who is autistic. I feel like people are out to screw me over. How do I learn to be social without people hurting me? How can I deal with my social anxiety and learn to make friends for real? Thank you for reading 🌷
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How can I trust anyone, how can I live? 🌿
LGBTQ+ / MOGII Support / by intuitiveFan2816
Last post
 May 10th, 2023
...See more My genitalia was mutilated without my consent. I was told to stop talking about it and I would forget, early on I tried to traumatize myself in other ways to try and forget the injustice done to me, I forgot at times but the physical effects of psychological trauma stayed. I remember trying to seek help from my parents some years back and they have expressed anger and resentment towards me, claiming it was a source of trauma for them too and I should keep quiet. I believe there are no records of what was done to me, I believe it has been tried to be covered up, I have been continuously lied to. I have had chronic health issues I believe are due to what was done to me to make my genitalia fit into what is “acceptable within our society”. I do not trust anyone to tell me the truth or help me. I have been in therapy my whole life and I have not found peace from what was done to me. I feel distraught and terrified on a daily basis. I feel my pain and my rage is not valid because it is what has been shown to me by others who do not understand why I can not just “get over it”, I have been gaslit on this topic when I have tried to get help from my family, I believe the doctors lied to them “just extra skin removal” but I still remember the pain, I never forgot the pain. Due to this I feel I have been like a door mat my entire life, I feel I am not allowed to have boundaries or a sense of self, I feel people will always take from me. I want to isolate, I feel I have been disrespected and it is impossible to get justice, I feel I was left in the dark to fend for myself and other people will only ever cause me pain. I regret living. I do not know how to live well with this, I feel like screaming constantly, I feel no one understands my rage, I feel lost, I feel lonely. How do I quiet my rage so I can live a functional life? I am 28 and I feel I have never known peace. I am glad to finally have a safe space to let this out. It is a deep source of pain for me. I feel the binary standards our world has picked to obsess over harms people and prevents people like me from receiving help because “I should be grateful” or “it was so I could live a normal life” I feel people only mean me harm, I feel people will continue to harm me either “out of curiosity” or because of their fear of “differences” it breaks my heart, I loose faith in this world, it is painful to feel and think and live. I do not feel I deserve to be what I want or feel what I want, I do not feel like my life is mine, I crave to recover from the mutilation and disrespect I endured, I am exhausted from living in fear and loathing.
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