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inventiveTortoise5823
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PathStep 1 Compassion hearts12 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes0 Current upvotes0 Age GroupAdult Last activeMay, 2022 Member sinceSeptember 27, 2017
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Need Advice -
Anxiety Support / by inventiveTortoise5823
Last post
 May 28th, 2022
...See more I'm 28 years old and in an online grad social science program. I've job hopped a lot so I took a break from academia. At first, I really liked my classmates and my interactions with them online through WhatsApp and zoom. I've also had a lot of major surgeries throughout this program, had an immediate family member death, and I also work. However, last semester was really toxic for me as I got to know them more and it affected my mental health with some of the students. Disregarding some of the issues, I became closer with someone, lets call them Deborah. I reached out because we lived in the same state. Now I thought this person was nice and we had some things in common at the beginning; work ethic, desire to do well and some sports. Deborah is a recent undergrad with no work experience and has no job. They are only doing school and is very isolated which I can relate to because I have gone through that. I think this person has become attached and is very alone, we live in the same state, but I am tired of interacting as this person is very insecure and has even admitted to me wanting to be validated by me. I feel bad about ghosting but I just had a major medical surgery three weeks ago and I can't be expected to answer her every message. Been in pain and on narcotics the majority of the time. Age does not matter in the grand scheme of things, so I wanted to be open to this person. This person wanted my number and added me on FB so I complied at the time, but I feel like they are waiting for me online all the time. I feel majorly burdened by it at times. Even when I slow down the response rate, this person is always right there. Here are some red flags with Deborah: -Discussing grades like it's the one and the only thing that matters. Talks about getting As/grades a lot. Wants to compare their scores to the class averages, max, and min, and always and says things like, “I wonder who got the low score” or asks me what I got. I lie and/or ignore it. I don't participate in that as it stresses me out. - Admits insecurities by saying they are "scared" about meeting with advisor or about sending an email. Also didn't know what to say when she wasn't able to access her schedule. I had to send her a screenshot of what I said to get access. - Made many complaints about group members to me privately on the chat, even going as far to do this during live zoom meetings, without addressing the issues directly to them. Despite her going out of her way to mention at the beginning of the year during our team contract, we shouldn't talk about people and to address the person first. She brought it up first. however, certain things like faces or names or remembering anything about me goes over their head. - Talking crap about people or puts people down. I am guilty too especially when it was after I had addressed the issues with such people in other groups, and they didn’t listen. I had a hell of a time with another group. However, she didn’t even try to address the situation or deal with it directly. She wanted me to do it. . -Asking me about exams, papers, worries, etc.. despite me announcing I was in the hospital . Very self-absorbed. Lots of, "do you think questions"... or "will this be on the test?" When I've asked for help, I'm given the very bare minimum answers and no help at all. Also asking me if I think it's okay if he/she changes her paper topic. This isn't my problem. The teachers are there for a reason. I've encouraged them to ask for help and they never do. They always wait for me to make the first move. - Deborah graded our project very harshly in another class. Very crummy, when I gave them 100 to give them the benefit of the doubt. I asked her if she wrote that and she even admitted she did. -We worked on a group project together and her part was creamed by the teacher. She also pooped out on it for some reason despite complaining about the other group members not picking it up. We lost the most points on her part. Now I'm wondering if they are even getting all As because this person's work has not been great. -- I was upset with a situation on another group chat because people were asking me to edit sentences, which was not a requirement for me, and she wanted to stir the pot and talk to me about it privately. I said, I was frustrated as it was late at night, and I said I would never want to be friends with them (yes, very immature of me), and she said, “do you think of me as a friend?” It had nothing to do with her so I said yes, of course at the time to not hurt her feelings. But that ticked me off even more. While she sided with me privately, she wouldn’t do it publicly either. She said they like to watch the drama on the group chats and even admitted it in-person on a zoom meeting. - Can't seem to remember anything about me much despite me going through three major surgeries. It goes over her head. - Telling me to rest up after my surgery, and then going on and on about themself. I've tried to hint a lot that I am preoccupied. - Only talking about himself/herself, telling me every little detail about things I don't need to know about like her getting sick, where she sat in an airplane, or an upcoming wedding. Just afraid that this person will lash out at me for not responding. What should I do? I've been pretty direct that I am in pain and not my self.
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